2/01/2013

Glu-Eight, Glu-Nine...

Story Sent in by Jake:

I have a gluten allergy. On the scale of one to 10, I'd rate it a solid seven. It gives me bad gastrointestinal issues that you'd be much happier not knowing.

Tamara and I spoke online for a few weeks before meeting in person. When we were discussing where to meet for our first date, I told her that I was gluten-free, although I could almost always find something to eat anywhere. She said she'd keep it in mind, and we ended up picking a cafe that was one of my own recommendations, a place that made its own gluten-free wraps.

To my surprise, when Tamara appeared, she carried with her a plastic container with nine cranberry muffins that she said she had made for me.

I was taken aback and really grateful, but I had to ask, "Are they gluten-free?"

"Yep!" was her instant answer. How sweet!

After lunch, we took a walk and had an impromptu picnic in a nearby park, where we split one of her muffins. It was really, really good. I asked her what she had used for the ingredients.

"Oh, flour, sugar, milk, eggs–"

"What kind of flour?"

"Muffin flour."

I asked, a bit more seriously, "What kind of flour?"

"I don't know. Regular flour."

A slight panic overtook me. You have to understand, I was and still am not a fan of the sorts of cramps that were unstoppably on their way. I said to her, "I told you I was gluten-free! You said these muffins didn't have gluten!"

"They don't. I didn't use gluten. I told you: flour, sugar, milk, eggs–"

"Flour has gluten in it!"

Her eyes went wide and she said, "I didn't know. You never told me that."

I gave a tremendous sigh and informed her that I'd likely be suffering from debilitating cramps within a half-hour or so. She said, "Well, that isn't my fault. You never told me you couldn't eat flour. Just gluten."

She didn't apologize or seem to care one bit for my soon-to-be-plight. I ended the date pretty quickly, and as predicted, the cramps hit hard, but likely not as bad as they would've been if I had eaten more than half of a muffin.

I didn't write to her after that for a day or two, but before I could, she wrote me, "You forgot your muffins. Maybe I can bring them to you?"

I declined the offer. Dating Tamara was hazardous to my health.

37 comments:

  1. Another muffin-bluffin' story?

    So, was this girl sweet but naive, or calculating and sadistical? The fact that she wanted to bring him additional muffins after she was informed that they had gluten in them seems to indicate the latter...

    Even if I could give her the benefit of the doubt about not knowing the muffins in fact had gluten, I'd be very upset about how she refused to accept any responsibility for it. Who would want to date someone who never is wrong or sympathetic about anything, ever?

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    1. Maybe I unconsciously posted them because I had a really tasty muffin earlier this week.

      Not a euphemism.

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    2. red velvet? don't tell me you got your red wings, stevie?

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    3. I prefer warm apple cinnamon...

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  2. Man, I just can't agree. Looks, its shit that this happened, and she was naive, but her intentions seemed good enough. A bit of an air head. All in all, a mistake.

    Seems it wasn't a refusal of responsibility, more like the kicking in of stress overdrive and self-protective behaviour. Unfortunate, but this story (or Steve) seems to want to paint her as a demon out for blood. And as a pre-emptive answer to "why not say sorry after?", I interpret the muffin offer as a coy extension of the peace pipe in itself - maybe they were gluten free this time.

    Such a splash.

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    1. It's not like muffin is the only thing left in the world for peace offering.
      Or may be Op just added that as to make out more dramatic. I can't believe anybody world be that unsympathetic.

      Delete
  3. I'd love to read this story from the other perspective:

    I met this cute guy, Jake, for our first date at a cafe. I was looking super cute in my favorite outfit and I had even baked him some muffins. No man can resist my muffin ;-) He was asking all these weird questions about the muffins..."Do they have glutton in them?" What the hell is glutton? Isn't that like a fat thing? I assured him I hadn't used any "glutton" and he gladly took the muffins.

    We had a great lunch and decided to have a little muffin picnic in a near by park. As we munched our muffin, he asked what I made the muffins with so I told him the ingredients. He lost his mind! He started screaming at me about some disease he made up and saying that flour has "glutton" in it. I think I know what's in flour, thank you very much! It's just ground up wheat for Christ's sake! Anyway, he kept screaming and then took off. I was pretty disappointed that the date went so badly. He even forgot his muffins! I called him up a day or so later and offered to bring them to him but he blew me off.

    Guess I dodged a bullet on this nut job.

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    Replies
    1. Why don't any super cute girls let ME munch on their muffin?...

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    2. So Steve, the ugly ones let you? Maybe you should use less teeth and more tongue. Muffins like the tongue.

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    3. Next time, I'll take my dentures OUT before proceeding...

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    4. I, as a woman, am just honored that you try. ;)

      Delete
  4. Is there ever a happy ending when a date shows up bearing homemade food gifts on a date? Unless you know the person relatively well or they requested to try your *insert name of awesome dish you can make here*, this is never a good idea. I know people are trying to show off their domesticated sides to impress someone but it rarely ever works out that way. You're either going to make them sick or they're going to hurt your feelings because your cooking sucks (remember the undercooked, gelatinous pork chop lady?). There should be a universal law about this kind of thing so people will stop getting the shits and amateur cooks can stop embarrassing themselves.

    I don't think Tamara set out to make the OP crap his pants (or whatever happens) with her devil cranberry muffins. She likely doesn't know what gluten is or where it lurks. Unless you have a gluten allergy or are close to someone who is, odds are good you don't know what the hell it is because you don't need to know (yes, I know...some people who are neither afflicted or know someone who is still know what gluten is.) Tamara did come off as kind of shitty for not apologizing when she had the chance. The fact that she sent an email offering to bring back the devil muffins indicates that she's either really diabolical or just a moron.

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    1. It's not that there aren't any homemade food gifts stories with happy endings out there... It's just that we don't hear about them because they have happy endings :D .

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    2. Oh! Oh! I vote for moron. My friend and I are cracking up over this story.

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  5. Someone with that allergy should be asking the "what's in them?" question BEFORE eating too-good-to-be-true baked goods from someone you don't really know.

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    Replies
    1. Someone with any allergy should learn to ask that, it's a survival skill. And not just from people you don't really know, but from anyone who tries to give you food.

      I'm allergic to pepper. I can't count the number of times I've heard "But I didn't put pepper in it, I just used (name of pre-mixed seasoning blend, which ALWAYS contains pepper)."

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    2. Jason and Ellendra be smart.

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    3. this reminds me of mrs. doubtfire's shenanigans.

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    4. In the last couple of years I developed a shellfish allergy. My job is to hand out free samples, and I learned the hard way to inspect the ingredients on EVERYTHING I'm scheduled to hand out. Shortly after the allergy was discovered, my boss had me doing cheese dip, and I had a reaction. Looked at the ingredients, and bam. Shellfish. Who puts shellfish in cheese dip?

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    5. I put shellfish in cheese dip.

      Wait. I mean nachos. The shellfish of the snack world.

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    6. Huh, this thing ate my comment.

      villyjean, I've seen frozen chicken wings that list bacon fat as an ingredient. You wouldn't think you'd need to make sure that chicken doesn't have pork in it but there you go.

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  6. screw that. this is why i don't date vegans or supporters of freeing the glutens. they are annoying and whiny, just like jake. i mean, i can't eat fried food without doubling over in pain, so i don't eat it. i don't blather on and on about it to other people. i just select something else from the menu.

    jake sounds like a little bxtch, with an entitled gluten free attitude, and his date just a bit uniformed. however, just because his life revolves around avoiding all things gluten, doesn't mean EVERYBODY else knows what gluten is and what is likely to contain it. this is why vegans have to specify that they can't have refined sugar because of the practice of filtering it with bone char. he should have asked for specifics before he ate it.

    on the other hand, maybe she was just trying to see if he was being dramatic or really had a gluten allergy. something i would do... what's this girl's number? i like her style.

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    Replies
    1. You would try to determine whether or not someone actually had an allergy by tricking them into eating it? That's a dick move.

      Delete
    2. So if someone offers you fried food you eat it or do you refuse without explaining why? Surely you don't start blathering about how you don't eat fried food? How was Jake supposed to ask for specifics without blathering?

      I like how it's Jake's fault for both talking about it too much and not enough at the same time.

      @Villy - It's assault or attempted murder (assuming he doesn't actually kill them) depending on how severe the allergy is.

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    3. 1. thank you for assuming my gender.
      2. i don't accept food from strangers off the internets. who knows where that dirty bxtch's hands have been.
      3. real talk. "no thank you." it's not that hard to say.

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  7. This date reminds me of one my best friend had with a guy who had "dietary" needs. They spent half the day walking around a theme park looking for something this guy could eat. She said they finally settled on pizza. When I asked her if she wanted to pursue it further-she stated, I couldn't put him up with that sort of issue everytime it was time to make dinner.

    In all honesty-I doubt the girl even realized the muffins had glutton in them. I understand the OP has a glutton allergy but he could have simply taken the muffins, said thank you, and not eaten one if he wasn't sure.

    I'd say this time, the girl dodged a bullet. I understand the guy has a food issue, be proactive, don't be whiny about it.

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    Replies
    1. i too am allergic to gluttons. and fat-phobic to boot!

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  8. Wow, Jake, you are so whiny. Why don't you just choose NOT to be allergic to gluten? That would totally solve everyone's problem.

    Some of you commenters here are fucking retarded. You make it sound like he's at fault for having his allergies. It's true that his questions should be more specific as to what is in the foods that are offered to him. But requiring a special diet should not be considered needy or whiny.

    That's like me saying I don't want to date a girl because she has her period once a month. And during that week she has cramps, mood swings, and more needs than usual and is too hard to deal with.

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    Replies
    1. for someone who doles out the sarcasm handily, you're slow to detect it. consider me well fed.

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  9. I'm guessing that OP has only recently been diagnosed with a gluten intolerance. Otherwise, he'd already know that most people have no idea what "gluten" means, and not to eat anything bread-related that he didn't purchase or make himself. And he'd already know that people are often unsympathetic to allergies/intolerances; they think it's an attention-getting ploy.

    Jake - best thing to do is refuse anything and everything that may contain gluten, but do so VERY POLITELY.

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    Replies
    1. The other extreme could be responsible too: He's had it so long and been around people who knew what it was that he's forgotten how many people don't know what it is. Or he's used to people asking what gluten is if they haven't heard of it.

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  10. Clearly the muffins were made by Chunky Horse. She was just a minion doing his evil stomach-exploding work.

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  11. Maybe her other muffin, the one that tastes like pumpkin pie, held the antidote. Now we'll never know.

    Srsly, I agree he should have drilled down on the gluten. Not a euphemism.

    ReplyDelete

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