11/12/2012

Farmed to the Teeth

Story Sent in by Vince:

Matilda made a big deal out of the fact that she was a farmer. Her profile pictures were almost all of her in fields, posing next to produce. And boy oh boy, could she yap about farming. Once you started her off, she wouldn't shut up! She wrote me a novella, online, about the different crops that you harvest at different times of year, all in response to my simple question. I had asked it because I was slightly interested, but she didn't seem to understand that not everyone shared her level of interest.

On our date, I took her out to a place that she recommended, a local chain that bought from local farms. She informed me that a lot of what was on the menu was probably stuff she had grown, herself. That was cool.

She invited me back to her place, after dinner. She lived near the farm at which she worked, although she didn't live on the farm, proper. We strolled around her property, then crossed the fence over to the farm, itself.

There was a scarecrow in the middle of a harvested field, complete with pumpkin head, straw, and overalls. She asked me to help her take it down.

"The birds are gone for the season," she said, "We can take it down, now."

We took it down and carried it, together, to a darkened farmhouse. As we approached it, she broke into a steady jog, and as I was also carrying the scarecrow, I jogged to keep up with her.

She broke into a run, and I kept up, and when we arrived at the farm, she squealed, grabbed the scarecrow from me, and launched it through a glass window in the farmhouse.

It didn't go all the way inside. Its top had shattered the window, but most of it still hung outside. Matilda laughed and clapped.

A light went on inside the farmhouse. I had planned on asking her what she was thinking, but didn't have a chance before she took off at a run. I followed her, ended up losing her in the dark, waited for her back at her place for a little while, then finally gave up and drove home. We didn't go out again, after that.

15 comments:

  1. I liked the part where she took some photos in a field, then lied about being a farmer, sent you an email of the Farmer's Almanac, and then tricked you into vandalizing some poor old people's farm house. Good times......

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  2. Honestly, if it were a guy, she wouldn't have made it past the I love farming bit. But wow, property damage and trespassing. Way to go!

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  3. Disgruntled ex-fake farmers are the worst.

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  4. You really didn't go back, apologize, and pay for the window you broke or call the police and explain why you tresspassed and destroyed someone's window? I can't say that I even feel bad for the bad date.

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    1. uhhh why should he be the one to pay for anything?? SHE threw the scarecrow! sheesh. although i guess he could have left a note saying it was her that did it in case they wanted to file a report or something.

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    2. You really need an answer to that question? He was an accomplice to the crime, it's the same thing as a thief saying after the robbery "Well, Chuck's the one that actually carried the tv, I was just standing there with him". You're still guilty! And even if he didn't want to get in trouble, he should have at least left a note in the mailbox explaining the situation and giving up the girl's name so the homeowner could get compensated.

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  5. omg you moron op! your finger prints are over the scarecrow! If someone ask me to take down a scarecrow i would have said no. Now the cops can come after you! and her cause her finger prints are on it too! smart move!

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    1. Having finger prints is not an automatic 'oh the police will get you now' because in order to be able to do anything with the prints they have to have your finger prints on file already to get a match. Or at least that's what I thought.
      I would have said no too, even if you believed her story, she was only a worker not the owner.

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    2. Well Ashley, I know that they need it on file. But i never meant they get you now! I just meant that if the owner chosen to report it he could be charged.

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  6. BB you've been watching way too many CSI shows. First, I doubt that fingerprints are going to be checked over vandalism. They don't even check them for most home robberies. Secondly, fingerprint identification is not as easy as movies make it out to be. They search for possible matches and have analysts look for similarities. Often prints are smudged or imperfect. Plus not all material is as conducive for useful finger prints. Also, given how many prints might be found on any object, they are more likely to be used to bolster the case against an already identified suspect than to find someone who wasn't in the picture. Given his lack of connection to the farm its unlikely that he'd even be considered a suspect should police actually make the effort.(which is doubtful

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    1. 325081aa-d193-11e0-9f0f-000bcdcb5194 I know that it takes time and everything else, but he could be charged with an accessory to crime. We don't know where they live to know if the police in that state, town, city, or whatever actually makes the effort.

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  7. Vandalism is a big problem for farmers. Idiots and urban rats think it's funny to destroy property out in the country because they think there's less chance of being caught. Just be glad the farmer wasn't ready with a shotgun.

    I'm betting there are now game cameras watching for you to return.

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  8. I suspect that the farm was her ex-boyfriend's...

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  9. He knew he was going out with a whack job, but the promise of free nookie led him to overlook her nuttiness so he agreed to go back to her place, and to go along with whatever else she wanted to do...?

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