10/03/2012

Powdered Toast Man?

(Eight steps to solid characters, this week on Jared's Inkwell - JMG)


Story Sent in by Phoebe:

Ron wrote me over a dating site, and he was charming and sweet enough for me to write him back. He also had some good-looking pictures, although he was a little shorter than my ideal height. Still, I liked what I saw and read, and so when he asked me out, a couple of weeks after that first message, I was on board for a first date.

Okay, yeah. So when he showed up at the restaurant, he was so tanned that I didn't recognize him at first. He was browner than a tater tot. "Hey!" he shouted, and pulled me into a hug.

"Ron?" I asked, "What... uh..."

"What is it?" he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Um... nothing. You're... it's great to see you."

I'm serious: the guy was so tanned that he looked like someone completely different. Maybe there's such a thing as a healthy tan, but this went way beyond. It wasn't at all attractive, and I found that it preoccupied me too much to have an enjoyable time.

We sat down to dinner, and not long after we ordered drinks, I said to him, "So, you're... tan."

He stretched out his arms in front of himself and looked them up and down. "You think so? I go tanning sometimes."

So you're saying that fluorescent burnt umber isn't a color found in nature? Whoa. "Sometimes?" I asked, "You're really tan."

"Is that okay?"

It was... but, I mean, he looked ridiculous. I wasn't attracted to him at all, in that state. Maybe I was being superficial, but I'm also being honest.

"It's fine," I said.

"Good."

I did my best to be engaging for the rest of dinner. I really did. I tried so hard to ignore his tan, but he definitely picked up on my lack of enthusiasm. In the middle of a conversation about something that had nothing to do with his tan, he blurted, "You really have a problem with my tan, don't you?"

"Uh–I–well, it, I mean, you, it–"

"I'm really pale without it," he explained, "You've seen my profile photos."

"They looked good."

"No, they sucked. I'm retaking them all to show me how I look, now."

"...okay."

"Because you're one of the one-in-a-thousand women who apparently doesn't find a tanned guy attractive."

"I guess."

"Maybe you should go see a therapist," he suggested, "That's not normal."

"Okay, Ron. You're just so freaking tan."

He put his fork down a little too hard, leaned in, and said, "We're splitting this, okay?"

"Okay."

Dinner was essentially a done deal, after that. The waitress came by, we took care of the check, and went on our ways. Sure enough, less than a week later, all of Ron's profile pictures were replaced with newer, tanner ones. They looked so funny, and I can't imagine that he ended up attracting more women as a result. But who knows?

17 comments:

  1. Phoebe's the bad date here. Not only does she come off as pitifully superficial, if she freaks out like that over a tanned guy, I hope she never crosses paths with a hispanic or black person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah! Oompa Loompas have feelings too!

      Delete
    2. Excessively tanned people, especially the orange ones, just look bad. They look even worse 20 years later...

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    3. This makes me question whether or not you've actually seen a person who tans too much. There is a difference between the orange shoe-leather look and a Hispanic or black person. To jump to racism is asinine. I don't particularly find tans attractive at all, but that doesn't mean I'm racist. It means I prefer people in their natural state, whatever color that may be.

      Delete
  2. I think that the only thing that the writer is guilty of is not being good at having a poker face. People go off the pictures you post online. If you've lost/gain weight, cut hair, or do anything else to alter your looks I can see how someone could be misled. I doubt it was intentional.

    Either way it wasn't a good match.

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  3. Team OP. Haven't you seen TanMom? Wouldn't want to date someone who looked like that, or who made looking like that a priority in their activities.

    Though that "too short" comment at the top has nothing to do with anything.

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    Replies
    1. A large proportion of women don't like guys to be shorter than themselves. The same goes in reverse, many guys dont like girls taller than themselves.

      (im not the same Jason, folks, btw).

      Delete
  4. When Gingers rebel!
    I don't like fake n bakes either...so I agree with the OP.

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  5. I also dislike fake tans. It's sooo unhealthy for your skin. Give me a nice porcelain, pasty, chalky gal any day of the week!

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    Replies
    1. Not pasty, not chalky. Snowy. Like SNOW WHITE

      Delete
  6. After the too short comment, im surprised she even went at all! I mean, too short?! Yuck! /end sarcasm

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  7. Rahn stahp. Stop it Rahn. Rahn, yer trauhmetizin me!

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  8. Team OP. There is a difference between the old-boot look of a hyper-tanner and the complexion of an African-American or a Latino. Think of Mary's roommate Magda in THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY or the Tanning Mom, only with huevos

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  9. Did this date happen in the Jersey shore or something? lol.. Glad you got that freak out of the way. There's no way in hell someone should put up with creepy shit like that.

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  10. I'm on OPs side. If you don't find someone attractive then you don't find someone attractive. That doesn't mean that she is superficial.

    ReplyDelete

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