10/06/2012

Fearful Symmetry

Story Sent in by Donald:

Deanna and I were having coffee on an outdoor patio on our first date. It was going well, until she opened up her backpack and pulled out a stack of papers. She put them on the table, and I caught the words, "Last Will and Testament" on top of the topmost page.

"Wills?" I asked her.

"Wills of famous dead people," she said, "Kurt Cobain, FDR, Michael Jackson, Mario Puzo, Weird Al... it's a hobby."

"Weird Al isn't dead," I told her.

Ignoring that, she flipped through the stack and pulled out a stapled, photocopied will. "This is Michael Jackson's," she said, "Did you know that he owned a wallet made out of tiger skin?"

"I... no. Who'd he bequeath it to?"

"Oh, his kids. Everything went to them. And look here," she pulled out another stapled will, "This one's from Dan Evins, the founder of Cracker Barrel. He also owned a wallet of tiger skin. He bequeathed it to someone named E.G.B. Isn't that mysterious?"

She cackled to herself, and I tried to be interested in her hobby. I asked her, "What's the weirdest thing in FDR's will?"

She said, "Nothing's weird in FDR's will. In Walter Payton's will, though... check this out..." she flipped through the wills, and went through the stack a few times before pulling it out, flipping to a page, and pointing at a particular line.

There, a little more than halfway down the page, was the mention of a wallet made out of, you guessed it, tiger skin.

I asked Deanna, "Why do so many celebrities own tiger skin wallets?"

She said, "I don't know. They're probably, like, the ultimate status symbol, or something. Do you have one?"

"Do I? Have a tiger skin wallet? No."

She stared at me for a few seconds, then gathered up her papers and said, "Then I guess we're just wasting time here." She shoved the papers into her backpack, stood, and stuck out a hand in my direction. "It was nice meeting you."

"Are you... serious?" I asked. "We just–"

"It was nice meeting you," she said, "I'm sorry about your wallet." She retracted her hand and took off. I was so surprised, I didn't know what to do or say. At least I got the experience out of it.

7 comments:

  1. Well this was an odd one. It seems so much like she's leading up to an attempt to sell you a (fake) tiger skin wallet at some outrageous price. But she never even tried. Strange.

    Also, since tiger products are illegal in the US there's no way it would show up on a will anyway. Sometimes people use euphemisms to get around this (a case of illegal Cuban cigars listed as a "rare cigar collection", for example) but just putting it on there in plain language would never fly.

    Also also, I'm pretty sure I remember that Kurt Cobain didn't have a will.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So i guess all the wills were fake. Sorry OP you just stumbled upon someone weird.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear Howie has a fore skin wallet...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nice Watchmen reference there, JMG.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, although it was a William Blake reference. I'll take any credit you want to give me, though.

      Delete
    2. William Blake!! Maybe 0.01% of your audience will know who that dude is... Watchmen, on the other hand...!! lololol

      Delete
    3. What do you mean only 0.01% will recognize it? It was in an episode of Batman: The Animated Series.

      Tyger, Tyger burning bright
      In the forests of the night
      What immortal hand or eye
      Could frame thy fearful symmetry

      Delete

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.