8/16/2012

Has He Read it, Himself?

Story Sent in by Paula:

Kevin and I met through a speed dating service, and out of the six guys I met at the event, he was the only one who could make consistent eye contact with me, so when he called to ask me out, I said yes.

He took me to a bar and grill, where he obviously was a regular. He recommended various meals on the menu, and told me about the beers that the place apparently brewed in-house. Taking his advice, I ordered one, as did he, and everything started off just fine.

"I've had lots of sex," he said, not long after he had finished half of his beer.

"That's wonderful," I replied, hoping he wouldn't elaborate.

"I've done it with models, musicians, even a married elected official."

"Okay."

"Some have asked me what my secrets are. I tell them, 'No secret. It's a simple, two-step process: step one is knowing what a woman wants, step two is giving it to her.'"

The speech sounded rehearsed. Dinner was on its way, but I already wanted out.

He continued, "But finding out what a woman wants is difficult! If you ask them, they clam up like a clenched asshole. Am I right?" He laughed, slapped the table, laughed some more, and went on, "So I have a way of doing it."

"Okay..." I said, racking my brain for a quick way out of the situation.

He said, "For only three easy payments of $29.95, I'll part with my secrets in book form: Finding Out What Women Want. It's a trove of examples, real-world situations, and emergency lines to use in order to get any woman at the bar, the beach, the subway, the street."

"I-I think I'm good."

"Well, what if I threw in a $5 Toys R Us gift card?"

I asked, "What makes you think I'd be interested in this?"

He sat back. "Playing hard-to-get? All right. I'll spill. I could tell within a minute of meeting you that you're a smart woman who admires success. Am I wrong? And what if I told you that my program's been translated into Spanish, for sale in Spanish territories?"

He paused, as if waiting for the amazement that never came, then went on, "Incredible, but true. This product works. And it's yours for three easy installments of $29.95. Small price to pay, considering that that's only about two or three dinner dates. What do you have to lose?"

"I don't know. Dignity? $89.85?"

He replied, "Well, don't forget that $5 Toys R Us gift card."

"I haven't forgotten it. I think I'll pass. I'm not your target audience. At all."

He smiled and leaned closer, "But what about those guy friends of yours, you know the type, the ones who have no game whatsoever?"

Guys like you? I thought.

"Imagine their faces when they see something like this. 'Finally, what I've been waiting for!' they'll say. Guaranteed! Guaranteed!"

I stood up. "I'm sorry. I don't think this is going to work. I'm not a fan of having stuff sold to me, and this isn't really a date, to me. It's like a sales meeting."

"All right," he said, "I understand. Still not good enough. Tell me what I could do to sweeten the pot."

I shook my head. "Nothing, at this point. I'm sorry." I walked out on him, even though I felt terrible about it. I had never walked out on a date before, but this guy was so clueless, so delusional, that I thought it was justified.

4 comments:

  1. Shamwow! What a story!
    When Vince Shlomi dates!
    ...you're lucky he didn't beat you like a two-bit hooker!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So much for consistent eye contact.

    ReplyDelete

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