8/24/2012

Engendered Intercourse

Story Sent in by Lillian:

At our first date dinner, Paul was very excited to tell me something. "I had a vision," he began, "Of us."

"A vision?" I asked, hoping for a punchline.

He said, "Yep. This morning, after I woke up and shaved, I pulled on my pants and it suddenly hit me. It involved dinner, then a bedroom."

I choked on my ziti and said, "A bedroom?"

He replied, "Oh, you thought I meant bedroom sex? Ha! No, I pictured the two of us painting a bedroom."

"Okay..."

He cleared his throat. "And then, you know, having sex."

I sighed. Another online dud. He was quick to catch my disappointment and jumped right in with, "Oh, you though I meant intercourse sex? No, no. I meant discourse sex, as in a discourse, a talk, about gender. As in, we paint the bedroom, then talk about gender... issues."

"All right, Paul. I don't–"

"Then you suck me off."

I stood up. He laughed and said, "You don't get it! I said that if you suck, then me go off! You know, if you suck then I'll go, you know, somewhere else!"

I left him there, with the food and with the check. I had hardly eaten, in all honesty, but I wasn't going to sit there and be disrespected by some bonehead with no common sense or decency.

8 comments:

  1. Was this the same guy who kept muttering "with a condom"? Because this guy was clearly just trying to see how many times he could say you had sex and then take it back.

    Good on the OP for walking out on him.

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  2. Wish she'd gone all Lisbeth Salander on him with an ink gun... how about "Dick" on his forehead?

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  3. Terrible date, great story!

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  4. Terrible date, great story!

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  5. This sounds exactly like an asshat who comes into my work all the time. Does this crap in regular conversation every chance he gets.

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  6. Walking was definitely called for, what a douchebag.

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  7. Sheesh, one wonders why Internet dating is so dicey.

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  8. This was one clever douche haha

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