7/13/2012

Think This Has Ever Worked for a Guy?

Story Sent in by Kimberly:

I was set up on a date with Thomas by a mutual friend who I no longer allow to set me up on dates. Her judgment, up until this guy, was usually spot-on, but Thomas sufficiently ruined it for the rest of them.

Thomas was easy on the eyes. He took me out to a nice restaurant, and after trading vital facts about each other for a few minutes, he asked me, "Ready to see my dick?"

A hesitation on my part, just for a moment, to playback what he had just said, then an automatic, "No. Thanks. I'm good without dick."

He sat back with a smile. "Have you ever seen a dick before? It might look different than you think. You might be surprised."

I replied, "No dick is going to surprise me. Not tonight. Not ever. Let's talk about something else."

He didn't press the issue, and I felt that I at least owed it to my friend to see things through. Thomas was a mutual friend, as I said, and I didn't want to create drama just over something he said. If he tried anything, though, then all bets would be off.

The only other hint that he was in fact planning to try something came not long before dinner was over. He asked me, "You like surprises?"

I replied, "Of the pleasant variety."

He nodded, and that ended our discussion about surprises.

After dinner, we went outside. It was just after sundown, but darkening rapidly. He asked if I wanted to take a walk around the village green, and I didn't think any harm of it.

As we rounded a corner, near a line of houses, he unzipped his pants and stretched out his floppy junk. "Meet the dick," he said.

I screamed and booked it away, yelling, "Have a good night!" over my shoulder.

My friend called me the next morning to ask how it went. She said, "Thomas told me that he had a really good time with you."

I replied, "Did he mention the part where he yanked out his wiener?"

Turns out, Thomas hadn't mentioned that. No hard feelings for my friend, but I felt better finding my own dates after that nonsense.

15 comments:

  1. If her friends judgment was spot on, why was she single in the first place? Perhaps she REALLY doesn't like dick. I would love to see the rebuttal "She kept asking to see my dick like she had never seen one before!"

    ReplyDelete
  2. ALTERNATE UNIVERSE ENDING:

    "It might look different than you think."

    *unzip*

    I gasped, "I don't believe it! It looks like ice cream and sunshine and the spirits of all my dead ancestors!"

    He glanced down at it. "It does?"

    I said, "No. But it does resemble your dad's."

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  3. Why on earth would you stick around with someone you've known for 5 minutes after he pulls something like that? I can't say I saw a long, happy future for the two of you.

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  4. A golden rule of dating deportment is, never introduce an unwilling date to the One Eyed Emperor (unless you want to be crowned Emperor of the @$$hats that is).

    The OP could have thrown a witty remark like, Who asked you to draw your sword, Zorro?

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  5. "Oh look. It resembles a penis, only smaller."

    ReplyDelete
  6. If your friend's judgement was usually 'spot on'...how come those past dates didn't work out? Maybe it's time to look in the mirror, you cock tease!

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Hi Dick! Allow me to introduce taser. Taser, dick."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would be an electric moment.

      Delete
  8. Should have punched him in the nuts and yelled something about giving him a hand. And then run like hell.

    ReplyDelete
  9. So after dude offered to show the OP his junk, and after he asked her if she liked surprises, AND after he asked her to take a walk nearby as it was getting dark... she still couldn't guess where things were going.

    Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but this was so predictable. I hope the OP is young and inexperienced 'cause it was obvious all along how the story was going to end.

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  10. Doesn't anyone remember this from that episode of Seinfeld? "He took.... it... out."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was totally about to mention out. He took it out? He took it out? He He took took it it out. So funny! Andrew, you are my hero!

      Delete
  11. Doesn't anyone remember this from that episode of Seinfeld? "He took.... it... out."

    ReplyDelete
  12. "Ready to see my dick?"

    And you stayed after this question? Fucking moron!

    ReplyDelete

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