4/27/2012

That Not-So-Fresh Feeling

Story Sent in by Jess:

Before our date, Nick promised me "four hours of non-stop fun." The first thing on his list, in person, was to break out a bottle of mouthwash, down some, swish it around, spit it out on the sidewalk, and offer me some.

"No thanks," I said.

"It's got no roofies in it," he said, "Watch." He brought the bottle again to his lips, but this time. He actually swallowed some.

"Ahhh!" he said, then held the bottle out to me.

"No thanks."

He said, "Let me bring the bottle back to my car, then."

I followed him for a few blocks, up and down streets. After a little while, I asked him, "Why are you taking us in circles? Where's your car?"

He said, "It must have been abducted! We must go on a quest to find it!"

I said, "Maybe we could have dinner? Aren't you hungry?"

He said, "I just drank a tub of mouthwash, honey. I don't think anything's staying down. Help me find my car, instead."

"Do you seriously not know where your car is?"

He replied, "Maybe. You don't know what my car looks like, so I might be lying and you wouldn't know it!" He shook his mouthwash bottle around and took another drink. "I have the sweetest-smelling breath in the nation!"

I said, "Let's just do dinner. Come on." I turned and walked back toward the main road.

He grabbed my dress and pulled it hard, toward him. I swung at his face and missed, but he let go, all the same. He stared at me, though, as if I had, in fact, hit him.

He said, "Well, I can see that you don't want an evening of fun. Bye." He opened up the closest parked car to us and drove away.

8 comments:

  1. "I found out later that that wasn't even his car."

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  2. I never understand why the "victim" of the bad date keeps trying to have dinner with the weirdo in question.

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  3. yeah.... there are some hungry as dinner whores on this site

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  4. I can imagine the rebuttal for this story;
    "I wanted a date that wasn't the usual boring dinner out so I invited Jess out with a plan to adventure looking for my car dude where's my car style. She didn't like the plan and just wanted a boring dinner and then she swung for me, dodged a bullet I can tell you."

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  5. Alternate rebuttal story:

    "My date had seriously bad breath. I don't even know how to describe it. Like car exhaust lovingly mixed with dog food and just a hint of rollie cigarettes. I know it wasn't subtle of me but I offered her some mouthwash, because at this stage I thought the date was salvageable and only a second date would tell whether this dragon-breath thing was a one-off.

    She refused the mouthwash which threw me a bit, but I figured maybe she was worried it was drugged or poisoned or something, I suppose you can't be too careful. Hoping to allay her fears and get me a minty-fresh date, I swallowed some and offered it to her again but she wasn't having it. I figured willful halitosis was grounds enough to leave so I said I would take the mouthwash back to my car.

    Unfortunately the foul breathfiend followed me. I clearly wasn't going to escape that easily. I eyed my car longingly out of the corner of my eye as I led her past it, hoping my face would not betray my plans for escape. I was about to suggest we split up to look for my car so I could make a dash back to it when I thought about how unfair I was being. She seemed like a nice enough girl, it wasn't right to hold something that may well be a medical condition against her. If only I could get her to gargle some damn mouthwash this could still happen.

    I had another swig. "I have the sweetest-smelling breath in the nation!" I joked, hoping against hope that this time the hint would take. No such luck. She turned back towards my car and I freaked out, thinking she must know I was going to do a runner. Was she going to slash my tires? Could I even stop her if she tried or would the mighty stink of her breath overpower me?

    I grabbed her dress, pulling her towards me. It was time to find out what I was made of. I would fight the dragon and I would win. Bards would regale future generations with tales and songs of our epic battle, a lone man against the most mighty and sulfurous breath that was ever smelled, with only my minty freshness to protect me.

    But then she took a swing at me and I remembered that violence frightens me, so I fled. You win this round, dragon."

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