4/21/2012

No One Messes with the Jesus

Story Sent in by Roberta:

Alex and I met on the Internet. Our first time meeting in person was at a park, and we talked together as we walked.

It was when we were on the sidewalk, on our way to lunch, when he pointed up at a telephone pole. It was a wooden one, shaped like a cross.

He asked, "Do these remind you of where the Jesus died, or is it me?"

I said, "I guess so. I don't really give it that much thought."

"They're designed that way on purpose. During the apocalypse, they'll be used once more. For followers of the Jesus."

I nodded and gave him a smirk. "All right." I was ready to move on to dinner.

"You think I'm joking?" he turned to the pole, "We could've made them any shape imaginable. But we made them into crosses!"

"Maybe they're made that way so that they can hold more wires."

"They were made that way to hold Jesuses. You'll see. Enjoy your time with me now. When the road is lined with Jesuses, you'll see that I was right."

I sighed. "Okay. Ready for dinner?"

"This whole road," he went on, pointing up and down the street, "Paved with the Jesuses. It'll rain the Jesi from the sky. Jesi on crosses, right onto your pretty little head. Then what will you say?"

"...Ouch?"

"The Jesus on a telephone pole, growing right outside your head. Does that answer your question?"

"I never asked you a question."

"You asked if I wanted dinner."

"Yes. And you went on about Jesus. Remember?"

"Well, we'll all be going on about the Jesus, soon enough."

"So, dinner?" I asked, but I didn't really mean it. I said it to be polite.

We ended up at dinner, and he picked his nose the whole time and spoke to the boogers. What a great night.

13 comments:

  1. You said it, man. He's a pederass.

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  2. A Jesus freak who talks to his own mucus. It figures. The guy has the IQ of mucus. It's official. The Empire of the @$$hats has crowned its new emperor

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  3. "Lined with Jesuses"? Did he mean other prophets, sons of god, suspected criminals, Jews, or all of the above?

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  4. What a moron! His plural form of Jesus was "Jesi" as though Jesus were a cactus or a hippopotamus?!? Jesus is obviously affiliated with shapes more than animals (e.g. the cross), so it's much more correct to use a shape-associated pluralization, like radius --> radii. Therefore the proper plurality of Jesus should be "Jesii", DUH!

    Oh yeah, and that apocalypse thing was pretty stupid also.

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  5. As usual. Another case of a chick sticking through a shitty, horrible date for a free dinner.

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    1. I was thinking the same thing

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    2. Ugh - I couldn't enjoy a dinner with someone I found repellent, even if I wasn't paying for it.

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    3. I've stuck it out for sheer entertainment value, also because I had nothing better to do (hence why I was dating), AND so that I could have a good story to tell all my pals on the ABCotD.

      Some women who stick it out aren't always lacking money for their own dinner. Even if they are, sometimes I can't blame them -- depends if they sound like a shallow jerk. If someone is going to unleash the crazy on a first date, the least they owe the other person is a pasta dish. Crazy. Pasta. Everyone wins.

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  6. Are any of the stories on this website true? if so can you put a little description on the bottom saying so. Because most of these stories are so out of wack that its not even fun to read anymore because its obviously made up.

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    Replies
    1. The stories might be out of wack because people might be out of wack (click here to see what George Carlin says about it!). We like to give the story authors the benefit of the doubt, and we're certainly not forcing you to read anything here (but if someone else was forcing you to read this site, then I heartily endorse that).

      For every story that ends up on here, there's far more we receive that are some variant of, "He took me out and complimented my outfit and said I was funny and he said he liked how I looked and I could tell he was lying and it was boring and the end."

      If you want boredom and certifiable fiction, go watch Fox News. We don't publish crap.

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    2. Very polite, intelligent response to a pretty dumb question. Typical of Jared.

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    3. Does it really matter if they are true or not? They are certainly entertaining. Part of me hopes to have a abcd story one day to tell myself, but no such luck. lol.

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