3/05/2012

Hit the Dirt

Story Sent in by Ryan:

I went to college at a colossal school in an otherwise one-horse town, and so anyone who you met on a dating site in the area was likely affiliated with the university. Such was the case with Anna. I met her online, although we were both students at the same school. She was an English major, her profile essays were well-written, and her photos were terrific. We made plans to meet.

I almost didn't recognize her when we met in-person, as she was a bit... heavier. She gave me a bear hug and broached the topic, herself:

"So, forget that freshman 15: I'm packin' the freshman 50!"

I thought, Agreed that you're much heavier than your photos indicated, so bye, but there was no nice way to say it. As I stood there, trying to think of what to do, she gave me another big hug and asked, "Want to go dirt-sledding?"

Dirt-sledding consisted of taking a sled (or cafeteria tray) and sailing it down one of the hills around campus. I had done it twice before, neither of which were too enjoyable, as dirt and rocks are only fun to sled over when they're covered in snow.

I said, "Maybe we could grab a quick dinner, instead."

Anna replied, "Oh, come on. Let's do something fun."

"I'd rather not. Last time I did it, I almost broke... everything."

She groaned and said, "Fine, then you can watch me do it once or twice, then we can do dinner."

We went to the cafeteria, she grabbed a tray, and we walked out to the top of one of the hills. It was best to ride while seated on your rear, as that gave you the most cushioning. Anna, however, opted to kneel on the tray. I told her, "Try sitting on it, instead, it'll–"

She was off. Slide, bounce, bounce, scream, airtime, smash, roll, roll, roll... roll... stop.

I ran down the hill to where she lay, moaning and groaning. I asked her if she was okay, she said that she wasn't, and so I called campus safety. They took her away on a stretcher, and our date was over.

I visited her in the campus clinic before they moved her to a hospital. She ended up all right, but we never went on another date.

8 comments:

  1. I have to say when I was in college (18 - 22) I had this happen to me a time or two, It is a big disappointment in the pit of your stomach that colors the rest of the date when someone misrepresents themselves. What makes it somewhat worse is that she immediately acknowledged that she misrepresented her self. Perhaps she was looking for a closet chubby chaser? Me personally, My fiance is a little more full figured, but she didn't pretend she wasn't before we met.

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  2. Fatty, Fatty Boom-ba-latty
    Slid down the hill
    And she went splatty!

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  3. How is this a bad date? You got to see a morbidly obese idiot hurt themselves in a hilarious way, and you didn't even have to pay for dinner! Best of all, you didn't even have to feel guilty about being amused since she lied to you earlier. I think this was an awesome date! Yeesh, some people are NEVER happy. :-P

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    Replies
    1. What I don't get is, of all the possible date activities, he offers to take her to DINNER? That's like giving Whitney Houston some crack for a date. Why not take her ass to the gym instead??

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    2. I knew somebody would say this. So unoriginal, Steve. I'm a fatty fat myself, but one of my favorite dates that I've been on was sledding down "snow mountains" near the lake. I didn't hurt myself, though. And I've never misrepresented myself on profiles.

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  4. You get more ass with crack than exercise.

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  5. I don't always go sledding, but when I do, I use trays from CJ's.

    ReplyDelete

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