3/19/2012

A Drive-By Pork-Choppin'

Story Sent in by Eddie:

Diane and I were supposed to do dinner out together, but she had other ideas. When we met up at the restaurant we had arranged, she asked me to follow her to her car for a moment.

We climbed inside. She sat in the driver's seat, and I in the passenger. She reached into the back seat and handed me a big, plastic container that was cool to the touch. She told me to open it, and I did.

At some point during our introductory conversations, I had mentioned to her that I liked pork chops. She had gone on to say that she made killer pork chops, I half-joked that I wanted to try them sometime, and that had been that.

Back in the car, I opened the container, and discovered within something that can be described as an opaque, jiggly, gelatinous substrate that was a curious shade of greenish brownish reddish pink. Something dark was suspended in the mix, just under the surface. Was it a bone? Impossible to tell.

"Yum!" Diane said, "Dig in!"

The mix smelled like pizza. My instincts said no, and I followed them. "These are... these aren't your pork chops?" I asked.

She laughed. "They are! I promise. Here." She reached in with her bare hand, grabbed a gloppy handful, and threw it into her mouth. "Mmm! Go for it!"

I didn't want to give insult, but take my word for it that these looked like just about anything but pork chops. As she had just eaten some, I figured that it wouldn't kill me, so I took a tiny bit and ate it. It tasted, well, like pork chops, but inexplicably liquefied and made into a paste.

"Have more!" she said.

"I couldn't," I replied, "I don't want to ruin my appetite for dinner. Thank you so much for making them, though."

She must not have liked my tone, because she said, "Whatever. You obviously don't like them." She grabbed the container out of my lap, tossed it into her back seat, turned her car on, and jolted it forward about a foot from where it had been parked.

"Uh..." I began.

"Get out," she said, "Or I'll kick you out while the car's moving, and that would kill you."

"If the pork chops don't kill me first," I said, then opened the door.

It was an unfortunate choice of words, because she blasted away as I stepped out of the car, nearly sending me to the pavement, and I stumbled out pretty badly. Still, I was in one piece, although dazed. Thankfully, I had escaped the evening nearly none the worse.

12 comments:

  1. I'm team nobody; Diane overreacted to him not liking her cooking, and Eddie acted like a jerk (albeit after her overreaction). I kind of think he deserved that stumble.

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    1. Eddie acted somewhat inconsiderate, but only AFTER Diane turned mean and threatened him. I think we need to coin an expression: "justified jerkiness." If somebody behaves horribly towards you, you're entirely justified in throwing some back to them.

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    2. I don't think the issue was at all him "not liking her cooking" as it was the bizarre way she expected him to eat a big cold tub of the stuff in her car right before a meal. Even if it was sweet ambrosia from the gods that would be a dreadfully inconsiderate way to present it to him.

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  2. Team OP... No matter how much I liked Pork chops... Pork Chop Jello is... not right.

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    Replies
    1. Team OP, too. She knew he had planned a dinner in a restaurant, yet she expected him to sit in her car and eat cold, congealed pork chops that had been in that container who knows how long. He could've gotten food poisoning. Her reaction to his reticence was as spoiled as those chops probably were.

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  3. Hmm are you sure it wasn't pork chop flavored ice cream? *Reference to similiar story

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  4. I gagged a little just reading that. Liquid pork chops? *retch*

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  5. She clearly wanted to Pork him.

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  6. At least faux-meat porkchops have the decency of looking vaguely like the food they're imitating.

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  7. Maybe she got the recipe from Les Claypool...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHZ9tGJz_gQ

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  8. Team OP all the way here. You don't ask a stranger to eat an unidentified food moments after you just met them in your car. It might be different if she had just baked him some cookies. I think she was self-sabotaging herself. There could have been roofies in that stuff!

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