2/06/2012

Cow and Chicken

Story Sent in by Lewis:

Amber and I were out to dinner together on a date. She scanned the menu then slapped it down on the table. "Their beef here is great," she said, "I'm getting their beef."

"Cool," I replied. I decided on a chicken cacciatore and put the menu down.

"Getting the beef?" she asked.

"The chicken cacciatore," I replied, "But I'll try some of your beef, if that's okay."

"You should just get your own. It's that good," she said.

The waitress came by. Amber said, "We're both getting the beef!"

I cut in, "I actually want the chicken cacciatore."

"We both want the beef," Amber said, raising her voice.

I smiled, then repeated to the waitress, "The chicken cacciatore, please."

Amber gave me a look as if I had just slapped her in the face. The waitress left, and Amber said, "You're seriously not getting the beef? Their beef is outstanding."

"I'll trade you some of my chicken for your beef. Sound fair?"

"No! I'm not parting with a single shred of my precious beef."

"Suit yourself."

"I'd rather self-guillotine then part with a shred of it."

"Got it."

Conversation was awkward after her admission, and she didn't seem that interested in me, anymore. When dinner came, she cleaned her plate well beyond what I had expected. Every bit of mashed potatoes, beans, beef, and sauce, was gone within 10 minutes.

"I love their beef!" she repeated, "You should've gotten it."

"But I didn't. Want some chicken?"

"Sure, but you're not getting any of my beef."

I looked at her empty plate. "I'd assume not, since you'd have to open yourself up to give it to me."

"I'd open myself up, just to eat it again. Beef!" she said.

"I'll have to come back here and try it."

She gave me a stare, then said, "You're a jerk, you know that?"

"Because I want to try the beef here, sometime?"

She replied, "The more you eat here, the less will be left for me."

"They'll find more."

"Whatever. Jerk. I'm not going to open myself up for anyone. Least of all you."

"What if I ordered some of their beef, right now? Would you open yourself up for me if I gave it to you?"

"Probably. It's that good."

I called the waitress over and ordered some of their beef to go. Amber was excited. "You'll give it to me? You really will?"

I replied, "If you open up your insides for me. Only then."

She went noticeably rigid, then said, "I wasn't really going to open myself up."

I shrugged. "Then I guess I'll keep the beef for myself."

"Can I have some?"

"No."

She didn't say another word. My to-go order arrived, the check came, I paid for my chicken and beef, and she paid for her own meal. Without another word, she picked up her purse and left as soon as she threw in her cash.

I had the beef for dinner the following night. Tasted sour and awful.

11 comments:

  1. You may have confused the flavor of the beef with your personality.

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  2. Agreed. You sound fair, logical, and way too patient. Prick.

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    Replies
    1. I was Team OP until the end when he decided to unnecessarily match her jerkiness with his own dickishness. You DO realize you don't have to defend every OP, right, Jared?

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    2. Yeah I have to agree, he was so sleazy at the end I was surprised (but impressed!) that there was anything left for Howie to say.

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    3. Jared didn't. I think he called OP a prick.

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  3. Jared's right, I don't believe you. How could you do this to the poor girl? People like you should be locked up. Being all tolerant and agreeable and shit...

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    Replies
    1. She's obviously a simpleton. When he told her he'd get the beef and share with her, he got her stupid little hopes all raised and ready to go. Then, like a human who fakes throwing a ball to his dog, OP yanked away the promise of beef from his date. Poor, simple thing.

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  4. Hmm, sounds like Amber did a drive-by on these here comments...

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  5. So Amber offered to "open herself up" in otder to "take your beef," then immediately changed her mind? You must have been very disappointed.

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  6. The sexual innuendos and overtones in that story made my beef stick go north and spout out man gravy.

    ReplyDelete

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