12/07/2011

Whipping Boy

Story Sent in by Stacie:

My first date with Jay, who I met online, went well up until a certain point. The only indication I had that he had something ulterior planned was the plastic grocery bag that he had brought in with him to the restaurant. Beyond thinking, why didn't he leave it in his car before coming here, it didn't cross my mind again until later.

It was still early evening when we left the restaurant. We took a walk and he took my hand. I thought it was a little too fast for that, so I sat us down on a park bench. I took my hand back without making things awkward.

We were quiet for a few moments, and then he said, "Ooh! I have an idea!" He took a can of whipped cream out from the otherwise empty shopping bag and showed it to me.

I asked, "What's that for?"

He shook it, took off its cap, and sprayed it all over my chest.

I jumped away, off the bench. He pointed at me and said, "Nom noms! Nom noms!"

I froze where I was. Oddly, Jay also seemed shocked, as if he truly didn't anticipate my reaction. He shook the can again, shot a gob of whipped cream into his mouth, plunked the can back into his grocery bag, then stood and said, "I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

I replied, "Just stay the hell away from me."

He made a sad face and whimpered, "But… nom noms…"

I took that as my cue to exit. I booked it for my car, wiping away as much of the whipped cream from myself as I could along the way. He shouted, "Nom noms! Nom noms!" after me louder and louder, but he didn't follow me and I made it home safe, sound, and uneaten.

An email arrived from him. When I saw it, I expected a short apology. What I received was:

Dear Nom Noms:

Can I really be blamed, here? Let's look at the facts: I covered you with whipped cream. You agreed, implicitly, to be my nom noms. I didn't get any on your skin, excluding skin from nommage. If anything it would have been worse for me, since I would've gotten fibers from your shirt all over my teeth and gums. Can we just split the difference here?

Let me know. I'll be waiting.

Nom,
Jay
**********************************

Not now. Not later. Not ever.

22 comments:

  1. I know i have said this before, and I know that this site is for the worst of the worst... but what... the ... eff.. Seriously, are all these people just so mentally damaged that they think this kind of behavior is acceptable?

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  2. I think that Jay is implicitly agreeing to be kicked in the balls by one of the next people he tries that on.

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  3. My guess? A dare, although that doesn't explain why he'd bother with a follow-up email. Unless he was just that hungry.

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  4. "Not now. Not later. Not ever." is exactly what some of the Dunmer say when they don't like you in... Morrowind? Maybe Oblivion. Either way, it pleased me to read it in that voice.

    Especially since if he tried that on my I'd really want to throw a fireball at him, but I'd probably settle for kicking him, as above.

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  5. Is it bad that I actually think the guy is pretty funny?

    I agree on it probably being a dare, and I bet he's not mentally ill... just a bit sadistic perhaps (with the followup email).

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  6. I was wondering how long it was gonna take before someone said that the guy was harmless, just a dork, playful, etc. and that the OP needs to lighten up, go with the flow, get a sense of humor, etc.

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  7. Even if that was socially acceptable, which it definitely is not, "nom noms" is really dumb and not funny. And a grown man pulling the whimpering is so annoying.

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  8. "You agreed, implicitly, to be my nom noms."
    Proof that some guys truly believe that a woman's mere existance constitutes her consent.

    That mindset is so pathetic, sickening, and sad all at the same time, that it practically needs it's own word.

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  9. Hmm... I could consider the story believable up until:

    'He made a sad face and whimpered, "But… nom noms…"'

    Up until that point, it seemed like a guy who wanted to play a practical joke which completely screwed up, apologised, utterly embarrassed about it. While weird, it's believable. But I don't believe someone would continue a joke they already acknowledged wasn't as funny as they had hoped and had actually apologised for.

    Summary: probably based on a true story, then heavily embellished for the purposes of entertainment. End of the day, I don't know who I should feel more sorry for; Jay for being so socially retarded or Stacie for feeling the need to make stuff up on a more-or-less anonymous-submission website.

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  10. Nom now. Nom Later. Nom ever.

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  11. Or, maybe people really are that screwed up.

    Summary: Maybe people really are that screwed up.

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  12. Actually, I think OP was telling the truth, because I know guys like that. I refer to them as "Anti-Lex's" in my head because they're the exact opposite of me. They get women (usually younger women)counterintuitively - not by being focused people who aggressively pursue what they want - but rather by being playful and childlike. Usually it works until they hit 30, then it just gets REALLY creepy.

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  13. Wolfy: your name is Lex? Are you a supervillain?

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  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  15. @JMG: Honestly I always thought of Superman as being the bad guy. I mean, he's a bullying jock who takes the chance to show off his muscles every chance he gets. Also, leading a "double life" where he parades around in his underwear? That man is DEEPLY closeted.

    But no, I'm not Lex Luthor - that would just be silly. As I've already said in earlier threads, I'm just a dog who sneaks onto the computer while his owner is away. (The "L" was a typo, I meant to write "Rex") And BTW, you humans think YOU have bad dating stories?!? Let me tell you, *I've* met some REAL bitches...

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  16. I think a lot of these stories are about people who start believing their own fantasies. They try to act out their fantasies in the real world and then are genuinely surprised when their date doesn't immediately step into their fantasy world.

    I wonder if heavy use of the internet is causing more people to be socially unaware?

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  17. JML,
    You should know wolfdream's name. You guys meet all the time in person (and are fb friends)

    Wolfenstein! Err I mean Wolfdreams.
    Is it possible you only feel that way because you, in some way, physically resemble Lex Luther? (you did say you were bald)

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  18. On the internet we can be anybody! But in real life, I'm a dog whose real name is Rex Woofer! I just pretend to be a person when I'm online so I can troll the dating sites. ;-)

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  19. So now we've got an armadillo, a dinosaur, and a dog with atavistic dreams of being a wolf. I love the diversity of this site's readership!

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  20. This is a guy who seems to confuse getting a girl's attention with getting her interest. It is the adult (sic) version of teasing someone you like on the playground.

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  21. What kind of adult worthy of being so labeled WHIMPERS? And what kind of adult worthy of being so labeled says non-noms instead of food in a social situation? And what kind of adult worthy of being so labeled pulls that kind of cr@ppy stunt on someone he just met?

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