11/11/2011

To Keep and Bear Arms

Story Sent in by Ginny:

Craig brought a stuffed animal along on our first date: a sizable bear, although it wasn't an adorable, doe-eyed teddy bear: it was shaped like a grizzly. He had it tucked under his arm as he gave me an introductory, one-armed hug.

"Who's this?" I asked him, making light of it at first.

"General Warren Banderhock."

I giggled. "Is he our chaperone?"

He looked down at the bear and said, "I guess so."

"Why's he here?"

He looked up at the sky and said, "Why are any of us here?"

"I know, right? But why did you bring Mr. Benderhock–"

"General Warren Banderhock."

"Why'd you bring him along?"

He looked at the bear, then cast his eyes to the ground. "I just wanted to, I guess. Is it going to be a big issue?"

I thought about it for a few moments, then said, "Okay, whatever. Where do you want to go for dinner?"

He asked, "Is it seriously a big deal that I brought the general to dinner?"

I sighed. "No, Craig. Where do you and General Bünderbock want to–"

"Banderhock!" he snapped, "It's General Warren fucking Banderhock!"

I was going to apologize, as placation is my usual response when people yell, but instead, I yelled back, "Why did you bring a stuffed animal teddy bear with you on our date?"

Craig turned bright red, clamped both of his hands onto the general's rump, and shook him in my direction. "Raaaaagh!" Craig roared, I assumed, as the general himself would have. What a sad little boy he was. Once he was through shaking and roaring, he said, "I'm going to call it a night. I've never met someone so disagreeable."

I shook my head, then turned to go, myself. I had spent time talking to him online, looking forward to the date, and preparing for it, and to have it end so quickly because he pulled out the crazy so soon… I couldn't help but give him a parting, "Bye, General Blanderbuck."

"General Warren Banderhock!" he yelled, "Can't you remember a fucking name?"

I was already three-quarters of a block away by then, and thankfully, neither Craig nor the general followed me or reached out to me ever again.

17 comments:

  1. The General's got a yiff zipper for his favorite little private, doesn't he?

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  2. It is weird that I found this guy really adorable? Crazy, and a terrible date, but also adorable. Who doesn't want to have a cuddly bear around to protect you when your date goes wrong?

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  3. "Who doesn't want to have a cuddly bear around to protect you when your date goes wrong?"

    Most people over the age of five.

    Twenty bucks this guy was a plush fucker, a troll, or a couple of five year olds standing on each others' shoulders disguised as an adult.

    OP, was the guy wearing trenchcoat and hat (maybe a fake beard, too) and did he seem really wobbly when walking around?

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  4. This is what cartoons like Thundercats are doing to our society. How many other impressionable young boys see Cheetara and start getting warped into thinking that fur is sexy?

    Personally, the one I pity most here is General Blenderblock.

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  5. I'm of two minds on this one. Craig was clearly being a goofball, and generally being all "LOL waxky random!" isn't the best way to make a first impression on a date.

    On the other hand, OP seems to just dig into it and won't let it go, and seems confrontational before Craig is.

    Here's what I think happened: Craig brought the General FOR YOU as a gift, but decided to keep it to himself when you started making fun of it, and when you kept it up he decided he'd had enough and left.

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  6. rawr's comment really got me, I found it quite funny - sorry Howie, but some dinosaur outdid ya this time. =)

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  7. ^ Rawr is good! I often find the large lizard's comments amusing too!

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  8. Morgan, yeah. I don't generally think men who would yell at me for getting the name of their stuffed toy wrong adorable.

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  9. Hmph! Lizard indeed! I'll have you know that I'm not only endothermic but an ancestor of birds. Try and see a squamate do that.

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  10. I agree, the yelling isn't adorable.

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  11. Waitaminuite, Rawr's comment? What'd you think a yiff zipper was?

    I swear, these kids today, not keeping up on their furry culture and their terminology. They're gonna be the ones responsible for pro-furry legislation getting snuck into our laws, just because they didn't know that zoophilia isn't enjoying checking out the reptile exhibits.

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  12. I'm with Andrew on this one, he may have been a bit odd but OP was the one who stood out as the bad guy to me.

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  13. Thirded with Ashley and Andrew. OP was a right bitch, and seriously, it's not such a difficult name to remember.

    Then again, I'm biased because I sleep with a stuffed teddy bear named Cocoabob the Lesbian Bear. ...no, I don't have sex with her. We're just friends.

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  14. The OP didn't do anything until after he yelled at her - it's very easy to get a name mixed up if a) you weren't prepared to hear it the one time it was mentioned and b) because it was a freakin' teddy bear and you didn't think he'd throw a fit if you got it wrong.

    He just seems emotionally retarded.

    Also, his "why are any of us here" line (which I couldn't read without rolling my eyes) didn't help.

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  15. Andrew Lenahan - Good theory but only problem is she didn't start being mean until a few minutes into the conversation.. A normal guy would greet her with a hug and hang her the bear (or flowers, or whatever.. If they still do those kinds of things nowa days lol)

    My thoery is he has an escape plan. He brings some random stuffed animal.. Figures if he likes the lady, he'll give it to her.. If he's not feeling the girl in real life he puts on a act like he did in this story.. I mean, what else could it be? Could he be seriously that pathetic and nuts?

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