11/20/2011

Time to Wrap it Up

Story Sent in by Pearl:

Bruce wrote to me online, and his mind moved a million miles an hour. He seemed interested in everything I said and came across as very engaging. He invited me out for a date, and I asked him in an email, "What would you like to do?"

He replied back, "I have some great plans. Surprise plans. Enormous surprise plans. You will experience them soon."

He was different from anyone I had encountered online before and it had been a bit since I had gone out on any sort of date. He was coy about details, but I was excited to meet him.

He asked me to meet him at a particular tree in a town park. He was already there when I arrived. He produced a long yellow ribbon and a pushpin, then attached an end of the ribbon to the tree and took up the other end.

"It's May Day!" he said, "Help me tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old birch tree."

I looked at the pushpin in the tree and said, "I don't think that's good for the tree."

He asked, "Are you going to help me here, or not?"

He walked around the tree a few times, wrapping the ribbon around it, and humming Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree. Once he was done, he looked at me, as if for approval. I said, "Great. What's next?"

He said, "What do you mean? That's all I had. Your turn to come up with something."

I glanced at the ribbon-wrapped tree, then back at Bruce. I said, "Um, okay. Dinner?"

He stuck his tongue out at me and said, "Dumb! Next?"

"You aren't hungry?" It was right around dinnertime.

He said, "Not for food. Next?"

"Want to take a walk?"

"Dumb! Next?"

"A movie? Mini-golf? Bowling?"

"All stupid! Next?"

"Then you tell me what you think isn't stupid."

In answer, he unwrapped the ribbon from the tree, pushed the pin further in, then whistled Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round to Old Oak Tree again as he wrapped it, once more, around the tree.

"Bruce, I don't really get what you're doing."

He said, "I want you to suggest something different. That's all."

I suggested, "Okay, let's hop on one leg in a circle."

He said, "No, that's too different. Something I'd feel comfortable doing."

"What are my limits?"

He said, "I'm not going to tell you. You have to figure them out, yourself."

I said, "I'm a little tired of this, and I came out tonight to get to know you better. Can we talk over dinner so that maybe I can have a better idea for next time?"

"No time like the present," he said, then repeated, "No time like the present." He took the ribbon off the tree and tore it away from the pushpin that he left in there. He then wrapped the ribbon around me lightly and made a bow. "See? You're a present. No time like the present!"

I took the bow off of myself and handed it to him. "Thanks!" he said.

"Bruce, I'm going to dinner. You can come with me if you want."

"You still don't get it," he said.

"What don't I get?" I asked.

He reattached the ribbon to the tree, then once again whistled the Tie a Yellow Ribbon song as he wrapped the ribbon around it.

I stepped away and said, "Call me if you want to do dinner."

"I do want to do dinner," he said sadly, "But you just don't get it."

He unwrapped then re-wrapped the tree once more before I gave up on him and left to grab takeout Chinese. He never contacted me after that, and I sure wasn't going to reach out to him. Not long after that, though, I was back through the same park (on another date) and found that Bruce had left the pushpin in the tree. I pulled it out and tossed it in the trash.

8 comments:

  1. The guy was an ass, but the OP stuck around waaaaay too long. The second he stuck his tongue out like a toddler and called you "Dumb" for wanting to go to dinner was the second you should have left his ass there.

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  2. I obviously also don't get what he kept saying the OP didn't get. I know, though, that May Day is based on fertility rituals, so maybe he was saying you should make some babies right there in the park? But that's moving awfully fast for a first date...

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  3. I don't think Bruce understands the meaning of tying a yellow ribbon around a tree...

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  4. Maybe he was trying to say that he was just out of jail?

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  5. Maybe it was to do with fertility, he said she was the "present". Sounds like he was trying to get her to suggest sex.

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  6. I agree with Osaka, I mean Fodder. The moment he said he wasn't hungry for food, I immediately thought that he was trying to get her to suggest sex.

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  7. "Tree" = penis, and yellow is the color of the condom in his pocket. Get it?

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  8. she should have started singing"stay on the bus,forget about us,put the blame on you..." but then maybe she isn't up on the lyrics to lameass 70's songs by Tony Orlando

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