11/03/2011

This Is What All Lawyers Are Like

Story Sent in by Sharon:

Will took me out to a great neighborhood burger place for our first meeting. It was during the summer, and they had about a half dozen picnic tables set up outside. We ordered our burgers and side dishes, then brought our meals to one of the picnic tables.

My side dish was corn and beans. He ordered mashed potatoes, and they had supplied us with plastic cutlery. As I dug into my burger, something thick and white smacked against my chest (no, not that, you sickos). It was a gob of mashed potatoes.

I looked up to see Will holding one of the plastic spoons like a miniature catapult, and wearing a very mischievous grin. Yes, it was a burger place, but it was also a first date, and I had worn a nice blouse.

"What was that for?" I asked him.

He replied, "Food fight?"

I'm not against fun, but I think that there's a time and a place for it. I wiped the potatoes off. "Maybe some other time."

He rolled his eyes, "Okay, Mom."

I ignored the comment and tried to make conversation. He was an attorney, so I asked him, "What do you consider to be your biggest success as a litigator?"

He sighed and said, "I'm cruising for a burnout. Don't know why I went into it in the first place." He then scooped up another spoonful of mashed potatoes and launched it at my face.

I blocked with my arm, but some of it landed on my chin and mouth. Wiping it off with a napkin, I said, "Cut it out! I'm not in the mood for a stupid little food fight."

Most people, admittedly, would have left by that point, but we had spent a couple of weeks talking to each other online, and he seemed as though he had been under a lot of stress (work-related, so he said) during that time. I gave him one more chance.

He said, "Whatever, Mom," and went back to his burger.

Soon enough, I saw him readying another volley. I said, "Let it fly, and I walk."

He frowned, then aimed the potatoes at himself and launched them into his face. "Agh, a direct hit!" he yelled, then fell off the picnic bench, hit the ground, and rolled around in the dirt a bit. I quickly finished my burger, then stood up, thanked him for meeting me, and left.

He wrote me an email afterward to say, "You broke your promise! You said that you'd only leave if I hit you with the potatoes. I thought that by hitting myself, it would make you stay. I thought that was the only way to get you to stay. Next time, please stay…" etc.

I had no idea that being a lawyer was that stressful, and I really hope that he found some more constructive ways to deal with it.

7 comments:

  1. Technically, you said "let it fly, and I walk," which would include him launching it at himself. As a lawyer, he should have understood the implications of your verbal contract.

    Incidentally, do you know what lawyers use for birth control?

    Their personality.

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  2. "Yes, it was a burger place, but it was also a first date, and I had worn a nice blouse."

    Hmm, did your blouse look similar to this?

    http://www.zazzle.com/doormat_tshirt-235224879154079960

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  3. Not excusing the guys behavior but I call foul. Sounds like he was on a date and she was on an interview for a trophy man. What's with the "What do you consider to be your biggest success as a litigator?" after being on the receiving end of a spoonful of mashed potatoes. One more chance for what? Goodness, this sounds like a job interview question. Seems like OP was looking to score a high income dude.

    Also if the guy had already alluded to being stressed about work why is this even brought up on the first date? They had been corresponding for a few weeks before the date so why the "job interview" questions? I think there is the hint of the gold digger here which explains the doormat behavior. Wonder if he sensed this too and started with the shenanigans.

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Mmmmm, yes, I only bring up work on a date when I want to know how much money I can suck out of them. Fuck yes.

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  6. "I gave him one more chance... to pay for dinner, then buy me something nice." Is what I think she meant to say.

    No woman without some kind of investment in this guy would have put up with that.

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  7. Throwing mashed potatoes on me and still even talking to him? I would have instantly stood up, grabbed my stuff and left, and no I'll let him get stuck with the bill too :P

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