11/23/2011

Second Place Is First Winner

Story Sent in by Spencer:

Jen and I were out on our second date, at a museum, when we bumped into a friend of hers, Nathan. He seemed like a good guy, and he and Jen seemed close. It didn't bother me. If anything, it makes me feel better to see that a woman has friends.

It was when she invited him along to lunch that I raised an eyebrow. This was a date, right?

Luckily, Nathan politely refused, and we parted ways from him. It was afterward that I noticed that Jen fell mostly silent.

I try not to let issues fall by the wayside, so at lunch, I asked her, "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing," she replied.

"What's really on your mind?"

She sighed several times, then said, "You ever have to make a decision in your life?"

I waited for additional qualifiers, but there weren't any. I asked her, "Like which brand of toothpaste to buy?"

"No. Like which guy I'd rather sleep with."

I replied, "I've never had to decide between two guys. Why do you bring it up?"

She said, "I don't know. Seeing Nathan just now... I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be saying this... I've always been attracted to him."

It was only a second date. She was giving me an out. More than giving. Shoving it at me with a frothing mouth. I could have fought for her, but based on her admission, I didn't really want to. Well, it was fun while it lasted. I said, "Then go for him."

She said, "I like you too, though. I couldn't sleep with both of you at once, could I?" she asked hopefully.

I replied, "I don't know about Nathan, but I'd probably have a problem with that. Seriously, go for him. No hard feelings."

"But I like you, too," she said, "Did I just royally screw this up?"

I nodded. "Kind of. Yeah. But it's really okay. I'm not going to scream and shout about it. I'm glad I know now, rather than a year from now."

"I could see myself sleeping with both of you. Is that bad?"

"No, but—"

"But I could see myself having much crazier sex with Nathan. Does that make sense?"

Where was that waiter with the check? Yes, we had just sat down and ordered drinks, but I had the rest of my Jen-less life to lead.

She went on, "I can't decide. I'm sorry. Could I, I don't know... would it be weird if...?" she laughed.

"Out with it," I said, losing patience. I was a moment away from putting money down on the table and jetting.

"Would it be weird if I slept with Nathan, just to see if I liked it, and then, if I didn't, I'd sleep with you?"

As I had imagined myself doing, I put my money on the table and jetted.

She wrote me an email about four days later to let me know that Nathan had rejected her and that she was "willing to give [me] another chance." Such a generous offer deserved all the silence it received in return.

25 comments:

  1. Never thought I'd say this about a woman but...

    ...what a creeper.

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  2. Creeper? I was thinking "what a giant bastardface".

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  3. Hm, someone should learn never to put all her eggs in one basket.

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  4. Well now, somebody likes to have her cake and eat it, too. I would LOVE to see how she'd react if the OP said he had another girl he wanted to sleep with.

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  5. ^It's amazing how often the hypocrites don't even understand why it's ok for them and not for other people.

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  6. Sounds like this was just the tip of the iceberg - methinks this chick loves to sleep around lots.

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  7. Now if she had been smart she could have worked it out so that she got both of them at the same time and had a little fun. I mean she is obviously a little whore (nothing wrong with that) so why not get your cake and eat it too (jsut be smart about it LOL)

    Hey ABCOTD Readers: Have a Great Thanksgiving! BostonGirl

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  8. There are much smoother ways to ask for a threesome.

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  9. Argh. This girl frustrates me. Why do people think monogamy is the only answer? She needs to find someone who will have an open relationship with her, since that's obviously what she wants. Unless she is just a hypocrite who only wants the double dipping to go one way, which is likely.

    Cheating doesn't have to be a factor. Open communication and multiple partners is not a myth. Polyamory woman, look it up.

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    1. Yes, I was thinking much the same thing. (I'm very happily polyamorous myself, and while I totally respect monogamy as a viable choice for some people, I'm always a little sad for people who think they *have to* be monogamous even if it's not suiting them well.)

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  11. This incident seems completely pointless. It was a SECOND date. It's not like she was obligated to be exclusive after seeing him once. It was her tackiness that was insulting. If the OP felt that was it problematic for her to date another guy after only one date then it would have indicated an insecurity on his part. If had they started dating exclusively or had been dating for months, then it might be worth talking about

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  12. @Lime-Coco: the trouble with polyamory is there are so many opportunities for misunderstanding. For example, I hate providing any sort of emotional or financial support unless a woman is exclusive with me. Otherwise I feel like I'm getting ripped off - somebody else is getting the ride while I'm paying for the ticket. So I make a great secondary but a HORRIBLE primary, and that's why I generally prefer monogamy.

    When is it generally accepted for polyamorous people to discuss these things? I hate getting the news that a girl is poly after I've already started to care about her. How long is safe to wait before forming an emotional bond?

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    1. Responsible poly people generally alert potential partners pretty early, precisely so they can make an informed decision.

      Also, if you make a good secondary partner, but a bad primary one, a poly situation where you're not *expected* to be a primary partner might actually suit you better than a monogamous relationship.

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  13. I was in an open relationship for five years, though I never ended up having another lover and can safely say at the end of the experience that I really really want monogamy next time. Give it to me now.

    But, we lived together and I never had a problem with the financial side personally. Our money was pooled, and what went into the house was ours, what he did with his other lovers was his, and yeah. Our finances went to hell in a handbasket, but that's another story ;-)

    Polyamory needs to be discussed up front. One of the reasons I loved my ex so much and stayed with him so long was that I trusted him completely, I never knew him to lie to me. The moment he wanted other people he told me, we discussed it (and everything) at length. For new online dating purposes I think it should be on your profile, or at least disclosed in correspondence before meeting.

    I'm probably giving her too much credit though. I'm guessing she doesn't really want an open relationship, just to have sex with whoever she wants to with no backlash. But if the guy asked for the same thing how dare he, rawr.

    I'm a little conflicted with the thought that she should have just had sex with the guy she wanted because of no obligation to the guy she'd been on dates with. So...should she not have told him at all? If you're genuinely interested in someone, and want to build a relationship, even if it's really early, shouldn't you not mess around on them and put other pursuits on hold till you know you want to move on? Confused.

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  14. ^ My personal guideline is to consider the first two months a penalty-free zone because at that point you're still figuring out what you want from the other person, whether it be a brief hookup, monogamous relationship, friends with benefits, or horrible argument exploding into recriminations and regret. After two months, though, any person with even mild decision-making capability ought to know what they want from the other person and talk to them about it (unless of course the other person brings it up sooner).

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  15. ^ Caveat to the above: at the same time, it's probably a bad idea to flaunt the fact that you're dating other people. Some girls think that making guys jealous (or vice-versa) demonstrates their value and makes the other person more eager to have them, but it usually ends up just biting them in the butt later. People DO keep mental scorecards, you know.

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  16. @lime-coconut

    "I was in an open relationship for five years, though I never ended up having another lover and can safely say at the end of the experience that I really really want monogamy next time. Give it to me now."

    But I guess you'll be choosing to have a relationship where each of you is sexually exclusive with each other rather than simply assuming it as most people do, won't you?

    "I'm probably giving her too much credit though. I'm guessing she doesn't really want an open relationship, just to have sex with whoever she wants to with no backlash. But if the guy asked for the same thing how dare he, rawr."

    We don't know: she might have been quite OK about her prospective BFs having other partners too. Could be that she just didn't know about Poly and that one can be out about it, but knew that the signing up to exclusive ownership of each others' sexuality wasn't for her.

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  17. Guess I'm the only one who thought she just really wanted a threesome and NOT some kind of polyamorous love triangle. Girl was a skank-ass ho, plain and simple. I'm with Agnes: there are better ways of asking for a threesome.

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    1. Just as long as you aren't saying that all women who enjoy threesomes are skank-ass hos because I take offense to that. ;)

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  18. Mouth agape, head shaking slowly from side to side.. What a fruitcake!

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  19. PS: guys usually never accept mmf threesomes

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    1. I know from experience that that's not true. Man I'm slutty. lol.

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    2. I love MMF threesomes. Watch your stereotypes.

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