11/15/2011

'Ol Meat Lap

Story Sent in by Jillian:

Pete invited me out to dinner at the fanciest place I had ever seen. There were five forks at each place setting.

When we sat down, a waiter and wine steward attended to us immediately. It wasn't at all what I was used to, but it was nice to be there, I won't lie.

After the waitstaff left, he nudged me and asked, "You been here before?"

"No."

"I have. The food's shit. And the portions are small. Here," he reached into his trench coat pocket and pulled out two flattened Burger King hamburgers.

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"I bought them. For us. With my money. For you and me." He placed one of the burgers on my lap, like he was a secret agent.

"Take it back," I said.

"Why?"

"First of all, I'm not about to eat fast food in a place like this. Second of all, I know I've mentioned that I'm vegetarian. I appreciate the thought, but—"

I stopped because he chose that moment to engulf, to inhale, his burger. It took him no longer than five seconds to devour the entire thing. Once he was done, he looked me in the eyes, glanced down at my lap, then grabbed the other burger, unwrapped it, and slipped the whole thing into his mouth, just as fast.

"Mmm," he said, swallowing it all down, "More for me!" and he gave me a wink.

I ordered mushroom and squash ravioli, he ordered filet mignon. When it was delivered to the table, he pointed at mine and said, "See? What did I tell you? Small portions." I thought that my portion was well-sized. He helped himself to a forkful of my ravioli before I was able to slide my plate away from him.

In the middle of a silence (and they were numerous), he ripped out such a loud fart that someone at a nearby table took notice.

Finally, the check came. He asked, "Would I be asking too much if I asked you to cover this? Seeing as how I got the burgers and all."

"That would be asking too much, yes," I replied.

"Fuck," he said, then dug into his pockets for his wallet, "I guess this is our last date, then."

Sweeter music, my ears had never heard.

9 comments:

  1. "I bought them. For us. With my money. For you and me."

    At this point, you should have anticipated him wanting you to pay for the expensive dinner, because he paid last time. You should have left.

    Also, if it were a choice between vegetarianism and Burger King, I would go vegetarian so fast.

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  2. Amanda: ONE OF US, ONE OF US!!!!!!!!!!! Eschew meat!

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  3. I know this site is for the worst of the worst... but It still boggles my mind that some people are so social inept... I blame the parents...

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  4. Joshua: I believe some people end up like this because they've been "enabled" all their lives - their parents spoiled them, they endured no discipline, etc. and no one has ever challenged their b.s. so they can't see what they're doing.

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  5. If I was her I would have left as soon as he pulled the burgers out, you could tell what kind of night it was going to be by that action and it turned out to be exactly the case.

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  6. Ugh, here comes the vegetarian wambulance...

    Don't eschew the meat, it's better when chewed properly.

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  7. ^Wambulance? I missed the part where I called whine-one-one.

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  8. Nothing wrong with a little veggie brigade, as long as no one challenges my idea of what a meal should include then it doesn't bother me.

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  9. Ugh.. I sincerely hope she paid for her half. Asking her to cover the entire bill was stupid, but if she didn't put down her half, she's, in my eyes, just as bad as him.

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