11/04/2011

Conflatulations

Story Sent in by Gwen:

Rich and I were out to dinner on a first date when we somehow got on the topic of stupid human tricks. I showed him that I could touch my nose with my tongue and do a frighteningly compelling seagull impersonation.

He told me, "I can fart a hole through bread."

"That's great," I said, for lack of anything better to say, "How did you figure that out?"

"A lot of boredom, and a weekend with my brother."

I laughed it off and we moved on to other topics. After dinner, we were on a stroll and he asked me to do my seagull impression. We were outside, and there were other people milling around, so it was a little embarrassing, but I didn't really mind, so I gave him the best seagull impression that he had ever heard.

He clapped his hands and laughed. "Awesome!" he said.

I replied, "Thanks. I won't ask you to perform your… talent."

He held up a finger. "Hold on. Wait right here."

I seriously didn't want to see him go through with it. The mental image was enough. I called after him as he took off for a little deli across the street, but he didn't hear or didn't want to. He came back with a couple of slices of white bread and held them up like trophies.

"Ready?" he asked, "Let's get out of sight."

"I really don't need to see this."

"No, you do. I really want to show–"

"No, I don't. I'm really okay."

He said, "I'm ready to fart all over the place. Let me show you. I promise you won't regret it. I can't do it through my pants. I have to take them off, and not here. Let's go off a little ways."

I said, "No, Rich. I don't want to see you fart through a slice of bread."

"Two slices," he said, and held them up, "I can fart through two."

"I don't care if you could fart a hole through a whole loaf! I'm not watching it."

He shoved the slices down the back of his pants, arranged them slightly, farted, and yanked them out of his pants. There was a small tear through them, but it could have happened as he was taking the slices out of his slacks.

"See?" he said, "It would've been better if I did it without pants on, but you can at least see it, right?"

"Yes. Great. Thank you."

He brought the bread close to my face. "Want a bite?" he asked.

I jumped away. "No!" I shouted.

He grinned. "I was just kidding," and he threw them away. I brought the date to a close shortly thereafter. Definitely one of the grossest things I've ever seen/heard/nearly tasted.

5 comments:

  1. Rich was a big fail for assuming his date had the mindset of a pre-teen boy.

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  2. Wow and some people wonder why they are still single? I'm surprised he didn't show her that he could light his farts as well.

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  3. That's how Nutella® was invented.

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  4. Oh Howie, that's priceless!

    ReplyDelete

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