9/04/2011

The Smell of Silence

Story Sent in by Patrick:

Ciara called me up the afternoon before our date to tell me that she had to cancel. She said, "I don't have anything to wear. I've run out of socks."

I replied, "It doesn't matter to me what you wear. I was just looking forward to meeting you."

"Okay, I'm online," she said, "If I find a good outfit at a local store, can you grab it for me and I'll pay you back?"

"No. Just wear whatever you have left. I swear I don't care."

"But I have nothing," she protested, "Literally, nothing. I'm in a bathrobe. You want me to come out in a bathrobe?"

I suggested, "What's been stopping you from doing laundry? You knew we had a date tonight."

She groaned at me over the phone. "Fine. I'll do laundry, but I'll be late."

"How late?" I asked.

"Late," she said, and hung up. We had originally planned to meet at six, but it looked like we probably wouldn't be meeting up anymore. I waited for a bit then called her up again to ask her how things were going.

She said, "Bad. My laundry machine is broken, so I'm washing everything by hand."

I asked, "Is this your way of saying that you'd rather not meet up?"

A pause, then she said, "Of course I want to meet up! Let's say nine. Will nine work?"

"Because we don't have to meet if you'd rather not. Seriously. No hard feelings."

"I want to meet you! No, I do. Really. Nine. I promise. I'm really sorry. My treat, dinner, drinks, whatever. Really. I mean it."

At nine, she showed up at the place, and she looked great. Only she smelled awful. Body odor times a thousand. I must have made a face that reflected her odoriferous state, because she asked, "What is it?" before we even made it inside.

I said, "Nothing. I just… er…"

"What? What? What is it?" she said, raising her voice.

"Nothing," I said unconvincingly, "Nothing at all."

"You're a liar," she said, "It's me. I know it's me. Well if I wasn't so busy doing my laundry to satisfy someone, then I might have had time to take a shower! But no, I had to come out tonight to please you!"

I replied, "I told you that I'd be fine with canceling. You didn't have to come out and–"

"You practically forced me. You wouldn't shut up about me coming out tonight. 'Are you meeting me tonight?' 'When are you meeting me tonight?' 'I hope to meet you tonight.' You should've shut up about it! Now I'm here and that's it. Are we going inside or not?"

I shook my head. "No. Good night." I turned and left.

"That's it?" she asked, "That's it?" behind me. That was it, and I went home, not to waste another moment smelling her.

11 comments:

  1. Normally, I would say she was doing it just to cancel (especially when she said she wanted to in the beginning), but when the OP offered later on, she said no. The only explanation that I can come up with is that she wanted a new outfit, but that sounds a bit far-fetched.

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  2. This is not true, there is just no way that would happen in this world.

    I call for rebuttal

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  3. I'm guessing the date in this story was a candidate for A&E's 'Hoarders'.

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  4. Yeah, this doesn't really sound like something that would happen in reality. You can literally shower in one minute if you really need to, and it's hard to imagine a woman not willing to be an extra minute late (especially when late already) to shower.

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  5. Not to mention, that most girls I know wouldn't smell that bad if they didn't shower that day. Makes me wonder how long it had been since she DID shower.

    I think this comes under the category of 'crazy'.

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  6. My theory: she has a body odour problem and wanted an excuse for the first date. Then she could gauge OP's reaction and play it by ear for future dates.

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  7. I think this girl was just bat shit crazy. If this was a guy you all would be saying oh dodged a bullet. I've seen girls who are just as nasty and disturbed as this girl.

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  8. Other curious bit: she had to wash some clothes in order to have something to wear, but her laundry machine was broken and thus did the washing by hand. But doesn't that mean that she only needed to wash one outfit, which would take only a few minutes, rather than three hours?

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  9. ^ Perhaps she had to dry them with a blow dryer?

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  10. ^She didn't say her dryer was broken. It sounded like it was just here washer. It's too bad that public laundry mats are in decline these days, could have saved that girl some time.

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  11. ^ I know; I was trying to be funny.

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