9/10/2011

He Probably Thought it Was Guinness

Story Sent in by Isabelle:

I had been on a few dates with Pete already and things were going well. One weekend, I asked him to join me at my friend Robert's barbecue.

The party was BYOB, so on our way there, we stopped at a liquor store. I bought myself a small bottle of rye and some ginger ale. He only bought a four pack of micro brew beer.

On a prior date, I had seen him down three beers with dinner, so I asked him, "Will that be enough for you?"

He replied, "Yeah."

"If you're not planning to drink a lot, would you mind driving, then? It would save us a bus ride and the taxi it would take us to get there."

"I don't want to drive. Let's just do the bus and taxi thing."

We did. At the barbecue, my friends all seemed to like Pete and everyone was having a good time. At one point, I was in the basement playing Rock Band while Pete was upstairs playing poker with the boys. When I heard Pete yelling, I ran upstairs. He said, "One of your stupid friends stole my money!" I tried to calm him down and explain that this was highly unlikely, but he was adamant.

I dragged him through the sliding glass doors onto the back patio. He was obviously wasted but seemed sincere that his money had been stolen. I asked him to wait there while I sorted things out.

I went inside and spoke to Robert. Robert said, "Pete's been obnoxious and insulting. He goes to the bathroom or out for a smoke every three minutes and holds us up. To top it off, he's been stealing people's drinks, downing every open beer he can find."

I asked, "Did you take his money?"

"Yeah, but only because we wanted him to think he was out. We don't want him playing with us anymore. Give me a minute and I'll go talk to him."

Robert left the room, then returned a moment later, carrying an open beer can. He brought it outside with him when he went to talk to Pete. Robert told Pete that the money thing was just a prank, that they were sorry about the money, and that they would give him back his 20-dollar buy-in.

Robert left his beer can outside with Pete and he came back in. Pete stayed outside to smoke, and when Robert returned, he shut the sliding door behind him and told everyone, "I urinated in the beer can I left out there. I want to see if he'll return it to me or if he's going to drink it."

I stood there frozen, on the one hand thinking that I should run out there and move it away from him. But on the other hand, well, I guess that I just wanted to see if he would in fact grab a drink that wasn't his and drink the pee.

Sure enough, less than a minute later, we all watched him guzzle it down.

He came back in and apologized for getting mad. He then asked if anyone could bring him a beer. Everyone erupted in laughter, and someone said, "I'll get you one," and headed off in the direction of the bathroom. I knew it was time for him to go, and time for me to never see him again.

I called him a taxi. When it arrived, I led him to it and he tried to kiss me. I said, "I'm sorry, I can't."

"What the hell? Why not?"

"Because you just guzzled down a can full of urine!"

The taxi driver overheard and said, "He what?"

Pete gave me a stunned look and puked. The taxi drove off. I told Pete to wait there while I called him another cab. It finally arrived and took him away.

When he texted me the next day, I sent him a link to Alcoholics Anonymous and wished him all the best. I never heard from him again.

36 comments:

  1. "Want some rye? 'Course ya do."

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  2. Amazing- a story in which the drink-stealing messy drunk doesn't come off as the biggest douchebag!

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  3. Hoo boy. Your friends are charming. Steal the guy's money, let him drink urine, then try to get him to drink urine again? And you did nothing to stop it? There was a bad date here, but it wasn't him.

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  4. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that everyone at the party was a raging douchebag. Sounds like a bunch of stupid college sophomores having a sloppy kegger.

    ...I was gonna make a really bitchy comment, but then thought, "No, I'll be better than that."

    Then I thought, "Fuck it, this is my glorious first comment back. Let 'er rip."

    I wonder how many of the guys at the party OP had sloppy, black-out drunken sex with after she finally got Pete to go. Probably all of them. Golden showers from every last one.

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  5. Also, Jared, out of ALL the piss-beers that America sells - Budweiser, Old Milwaukee, PBR, Natty Boh, Coors Light, Michelob Ultra, etc. etc. etc. - you went with Guinness as the titular pee beer? It's too thick to be piss beer, Jared; that's science. I'm ashamed to know you.

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  6. I wholeheartedly agree with the previous statement.

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  7. OP and her friends sound like a bunch of passive-aggressive assholes. If you have a problem, tell the person to their face instead of being sneaky pussies.

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  8. Nikki, Nikki's Armadillo/Mongoose thing, Dr. M:

    If I have to put up with the grossness that is Guinness and then I complain about it, then you're just going to have to sit at your computers and take it. Or else point me toward some non-uric variant.

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  9. ...you DO realize that you don't HAVE to drink Guinness, right? Also, you live in New England, which, as far as I can tell, has a strong beer-making community. Go find something you like.

    Also, Claire is most decidedly NOT a mongoose. Looks nothing like one!!

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  10. I don't know what to think. Everyone was a fucking idiot. OP because he was your date and you just let him drink piss and be ridicularized. There was no mediation, no support to your company, simply "fuck it".

    Pete, OP's date, because let's be clear here, randomly drinking other unknown people's drinks is not only a dick move and disrespectful, but also quite disgusting. The guy also couldn't hold his liquor, but since this story reeks of bias, I don't think it was that bad.

    And everyone in the fucking party because I seriously doubt he was having smoke and bathroom breaks so often that it destroyed the flow of anything, to which they stole his money - I would be seriously pissed off also, what the fuck, people don't just "forget" how much they have on a poker table.

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  11. I'm surprised no one has commented on the "You're only bringing four beers and drank three with lunch so can you drive?"
    I wouldn't feel comfortable with drinking even one and driving.

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  12. "I had been on a few dates with Pete already and things were going well."

    "I stood there frozen, on the one hand thinking that I should run out there and move it away from him. But on the other hand, well, I guess that I just wanted to see if he would in fact grab a drink that wasn't his and drink the pee."

    ...I'm speechless, OP. You're a horrible human being, and while Pete may have an alcoholism problem, he's an angel compared to you and your friends. I mean, I'm all for hurting random douchebags, but when things are "going well" with somebody maybe possibly it's a dick move to let your friends do something like that.

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    1. THIS. What the eff? Even if he was a drunken idiot, how could you humiliate some poor moron like that? That, btw, makes you the bad date case, not him.

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  13. No Ashley, I was here thinking about the 3 beers thing too... What the hell, he was supposed to want to drive after 3 beers? Absolutely everyone in this is story was a jerk, holy crap.

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  14. He didn't drink three beers with lunch. She says, "On a prior date, I had seen him down three beers with dinner." It was on a prior date. Not this one.

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  15. JMG, but it sounds like she thought that he could drive them back as well. At least that's what I assumed, if you're driving there you are most likely driving back after the party (and the beers).

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  16. Yep, I was thinking the same thing about the drinking/driving. I'll assume that OP thought that designated driver = drinking 4 beers. At least OP's date had enough sense to shoot that down. And I agree that there was douchebaggery all around - from OP, the date and her friends.

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  17. I don't think he's an alcoholic. The fact that he didn't go apeshit upon finding out about the urine-lager says he has quite a bit of self control. I've watched the piss beer prank before and it never ends with the victim laughing it off.

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  18. I bet the OP felt particularly witty for sending the AA link.

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  20. Sounds like the OP and her date were both kind of indiscriminate drinkers, so it's not all that surprising to see where things went. Anytime alcohol's involved, especially if everyone's had some drinks, the potential for stupidity increases tenfold.

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  21. Isabelle liked her friends more than her date. End of story.

    They might have taken the pranks too far, but I really can't care much for this guy. Anyone who has so little self-respect as to guzzle any open alcohol he can find lying around gets no respect from me.

    I would have stood back and let him get what was coming to him as well. For stealing other people's drinks, he was lucky that he didn't end up ejected from the party through the nearest window.

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  23. They didn't do anything to him until after he started pulling his own dumb shit. They acted in retaliation.

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  24. Three things about the amount of beer:

    1) The party could have been long. Playing poker can take several hours. In that amount of time, four small cans of beer wouldn't be a ton.

    2) If he's a bigger guy, it would take more alcohol to affect him. I'm a bit overweight and four beers *might* get me buzzed, but also might do nothing at all if I had eaten recently.

    3) If he's an alcoholic, the beers are even less likely to affect him easily. His body is used to alcohol and doesn't respond the same.

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  26. ^i suppose they didn't need to stoop that low. They should have just made him leave. The likelihood of the drunk asshole stealing people's drinks stopping after being told to is 0.

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  27. Hey folks, this is Isabelle. The OP. Yes, for real.

    I found it interesting reading everyone's comments. I knew when I sent this story in that it might get a mixed reaction. In fact I was debating between two stories to send in and decided on the one where there was some grey area about who was at fault.

    With many stories on here there is one person who is obviously quite nuts, so I thought it might be interesting to share a story that was a little bit different. I wasn't sure if my story would be right for this site but am very thankful that Jared posted it.

    So if some of you think that I was a bitch or that my friends were douchebags, I am totally fine with that and I understand.

    I was trying to present a bad scenario as it happened and let you folks decide for yourselves, hopefully without my own bias. If I was trying to make myself a saint, I certainly would not have admitted my hesitation about letting "Pete" drink the pee,
    Although no ones comments offended me ( I am pretty thick skinned) I will say this to Nikki (whose comments I quite often enjoy).
    I promise that I didn't have sloppy drunken black out sex with ALL of the guys at the party and let them give me golden showers. I do have standards.

    I feel I should address one point about the drinking and driving. My original story was quite a little longer and I knew Jared would have to edit it, (He did a fantastic job by the way). One sentence that was omitted indicated that the barbecue started late afternoon and would go quite late. If "Pete" had only drank 4 beers in the eight or more hours we were planning on being there, I would have had no problems with him driving. I do not in any way condone drinking and driving. Thank you, Taco Dave, for picking up on that.

    Which brings me to my last point. Since "Pete" knew we would be there all day and only brought 4 beers , he either planned all along to steal other peoples drinks, or he hoped he would only drink what he brought yet knew he might not be able to stop himself. Either way he had some issues with alcohol. If we were a little further along in our relationship I may have stuck by him , but we weren't at that point yet. I will also mention that I am no longer friends with "Robert".

    Anyways, That's all I have to say. I hope some of you enjoyed the story.

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  28. Thanks, Isabelle! I enjoyed your story very much. Send in your other one, sometime.

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  29. Jared, I will send you the other story I was thinking about sometime soon. Just out of curiosity, have any other OP's ever commented on their own stories?

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  30. Yes. Most through email. Most feedback is positive.

    Most.

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  32. ^Was that supposed to add something to what I already said?

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