9/15/2011

Cheer Up, Droopy Jeans

Story Sent in by Steve:

I had become acquainted with Maryann online. She was adorable, and could've passed for a young Rita Hayworth. She was also very bright, having earned two master's degrees. To say that I was excited about scoring a date with her was an understatement.

I took her out for coffee on a warm spring night. She was in a pair of dark jeans and a floral blouse, and she looked great. We had a good chat together, and I asked her if she wanted to take a walk.

While strolling through town and through a park, I couldn't help but notice that her pants were practically falling down. I thought that it would be the polite thing to inform her (before they fell down even further) and I said, "You might want to pull your pants up."

She gasped, her eyes widened, her face went blood red, and she yanked her pants up far higher than was necessary. "Oh my God," she said, "You weren't supposed to see that."

I said, "It's not a big deal. It's not like I'm offended. I just thought you'd probably want to know."

"You weren't supposed to see that. Oh my God. Oh my God. You weren't supposed to see that."

I joked, "See what? I didn't see anything, although I probably would have if I had waited another minute."

She stopped walking and readjusted herself so that her pants were riding stupidly high, way above her stomach.

I laughed a bit and said, "That can't be comfortable."

She asked, "Are they not high enough?" and then pulled them up even further, which I hadn't thought possible.

I said, "Maryann, I don't think you're really helping matters. They've been fine for most of the evening. Just keep them regular and be conscious of them and I'm sure you'll be fine."

She kept her fingers curled tightly around the waist of her jeans and walked around like that for the rest of the night. She cringed a couple of times as if in some sort of pain, but I tried my best to not indulge her performance with "Are you okay?" or "Why are you doing that?"

At the end of our walk, I finally turned to her to say, "Are you trying to prove some sort of point?"

In answer, she stuffed her arms down her jeans. Now they weren't going anywhere. I said, "Okay, then. I'm probably going to go. Have a good night."

"I'd hug you," she said, "But my arms are kind of down my pants."

"Don't worry about it."

Neither of us contacted the other after that. I hope she bought a belt.

24 comments:

  1. Does everybody really say they're "probably" going to go, or is that an edit you make, Jared? I don't know why it bugs me, but it does. Llike, own your decisions people.

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  2. Does anyone else think he crossed the line from "Helpful" to "should have minded his own business"?

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  3. Maybe. I think he wouldn't have made such a big deal about it had she not kept fidgeting with her pants and repeating "oh my god", so it seems kinda reasonable.

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  4. Who the fuck uses a diva from 1918 as the benchmark for a girl?

    Is the OP 70 years old?

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  5. @Joshua: Yes. The joke was in poor taste but he probably could have recovered from it. (This would have required him to apologize, however, which I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have considered.) Continuing to joke at her expense when she was obviously embarrassed pretty much killed it.

    Sure, she swung over to a bit unreasonable, but he took it there first, so he shouldn't be too surprised it went that direction.

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  6. ^What joke? Asking "See what?" at an obviously confusing reaction isn't a joke, it's an appropriate response. And again, remarking "that can't be comfortable" when someone yanks their pants up past their navel, isn't a joke, it's an observation.

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  7. theMediator must have read the story posted and not the one from whence the conclusion was made that it was the OP who made a big deal and was one who failed.

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  8. This guy was too tolerant and this chick was wacky.
    Guaranteed after yanking her pants up so high, she suffered a severe case of "camel-toe-itis"...or "moose-knuckle-itis" if you're Canadian, eh.

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  9. @Agnes:

    That's how it came in. Probably.

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  10. I am confused as to why such a small incident managed to screw up the whole date. But then again, I get confused easily.

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  11. @churro

    What the hell are you talking about?

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  12. I love reading y'all's comments...almost as much as the stories.

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  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  14. If she really looked like a young Rita Hayworth, he should have just enjoyed the show!

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  15. I don't know about you guys, but when my jeans start to fall, I can feel it. How could she not know?

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  16. Mediator, I was agreeing with you, but I think I'm gonna stop visiting this site. People seem to be losing it around here.

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  17. Don't go churro...
    the only person losing something is the OP's dates jeans

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  18. My guess: she was going commando - either to feel sexy or because she didn't have clean undies.

    When he mentioned her pants, she thought that he had seen her kibbles and bits and was profoundly embarrassed.

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  19. Even more reason he was dumb to mention anything!

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  20. Back in the day I went to my family friend Diane's wedding and escorted her friend Beth, who was pretty and a bit chubby. When we parked at the reception, another friend's mom met us in the parking lot. We all said hello then Mom, who had never met Beth before, said "How long have you been pregnant, dear?" I immediately exclaimed "I didn't do it!" before Beth turned red and said "I'm not." Mom look horrified and apologized profusely. I think we all giggled nervously, and Beth took it all like a champion.

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    Replies
    1. Why did you exclaim that? And your friend didn't say anything? Ugh.

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  21. Jared, I probably guess that I can eventually sublimate my disappointment at the failures of world into the burning volcano of rage in my soul. AGAIN. Sigh.

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  22. @churro

    Sorry, I read that one the wrong way. Thought you were saying something about how I should have inferred something based on the other posts. Hence my confusion.

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