You Couldn't Use a Hydrant Like the Rest of Us?

Story Sent in by Jeff:

I was with Andrea at her parents' house, and we were on our second date. We were planning to watch a movie when I had to use her bathroom.

She directed me, "It's just down the hall. Third door on your left."

I walked down her first floor hallway, came to a closed door, and tried to open it. It was locked. I thought that we were the only ones in her house, but thinking that I might have been wrong, I knocked. No response.

I returned to Andrea and told her, "The bathroom's locked. Is someone else home?"

She said, "Never mind. Try the upstairs bathroom. First door when you get up there."

I went upstairs and tried that door. It was also closed and locked. When I returned to Andrea, I asked her, "That door's locked, too."

She darted her eyes around and said, "Yeah. Maybe my parents locked them."

I replied, "Where's the key? They can't have locked you out of their bathrooms."

She looked everywhere but at me and said, "Yeah, I do have it… but is it cool if you don't use it? I mean, do you really have to go?"

I said, "Kind of. Yeah. You don't want me using your bathroom?"

She frowned as if she hated to say it, but she went ahead and said it anyway. "Yeah. That's… yeah. Would you hold it? Do you have to go bad? There's a gas station right down the road if you really have to go."

"You're serious? You won't let me use your bathrooms? Why not?"

She stood up and said, "Just calm down. I just… yeah, would you mind maybe either holding it or running down to the gas station?"

"Why don't you want me to use your bathrooms?"

"I just… just don't use them, okay? Just go to the gas station. I'll make us some hot chocolate while you're gone, okay?"

I stared at her, but her blank, expressionless face gave me no answers. I put on my coat, went outside without a word, closed the door behind me, walked around to the back of her house, and peed in a secluded spot by a gutter. I felt awful, but all that talk about bathrooms made me have to go even more. I was thankful that peeing was all I had to do.

I zipped myself up and went back inside. That was my big mistake. If I wanted to keep things civil, I should have had the foresight to take a bit more time, as if I had actually gone to the gas station. Well, it was too late for that.

She walked into the living room at the same time that I did. She said, "That didn't take long. Did you not go there?"

I said, "Don't worry about it."

"I'm worried about it. It's not a long walk, and if you really have to go–"

"I'm all set."

She narrowed her eyes at me, and at once, I knew I was caught. She guessed, "You didn't… oh my God, you didn't go outside, did you?"

I shrugged. "It was just a pee. I can't really understand why you didn't let me use your bathroom but–"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," she said, raising her voice, "You pissed outside my house? Are you serious?"


"Get out! Are you some bum? Leave right now!"

She stomped around me and opened up her front door, through which I had just entered. I said, "Andrea, come on. Are you really going to do this? We can still have a nice night. I'll wash my hands and–"

"Get out. I want you out. Get out."

I said, "You're nuts."

"Get out!"

I left without further fuss. When I made it home, I made some hot chocolate for myself, used my own bathroom, and then, when I woke up in the morning, I used it again.

It was awesome.


  1. Forbidding someone to use a bathroom with no explanation is fine, but peeing outside is awful? OP was being a tad lame, so his writing about going home and using his own loo without fuss sounds lamer.

  2. Thought he was being clever by going outside, wasn't clever enough to think the plan all the way through.

  3. I find myself wondering what's in the bathrooms. I'm wavering back and forth between an intricate meth lab, the family heirlooms, and terrified young girls struggling with their gags. Why didn't you bust down a door and save the kidnap victims (or at least appease my curiosity)?

  4. Dead bodies in the bathtub. OBVIOUSLY.

    Off topic (mostly): my friend K., a tall, intelligent, buxom, half-Asian girl, lives in San Francisco and HATES using public toilets. Instead, she pees outside. All the time. Tiniest bladder that one. She'll pee in people's bushes and alleys. Scientist Fiance was alarmed and slightly amused by all the al fresco peeing K. did.

  5. I'm not sure what 'buxom' had to do with your story but I'm glad you added to it...I suffer from 'Yellow Fevah'...and it has nothing to do with warm piss. Ew

  6. Why on earth would he come back? Just pee outside and go home, it's one thing to say "I'm not comfortable with people using my bathrooms", it's another to direct him to two different ones when she knew they were locked.

  7. ^^That.

    And germophobe. Didn't want someone else's ass germs / bodily fluids on their toilet.

  8. I am praying for a rebuttal entry from the bathroom sentinel.

  9. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out why he would even go back after she dicked him around. I would have just gone home.

  10. Shoulda peed on the mat and left.

  11. ^ What Howie said.

    She just didn't want him peeing in the sink, that's all...

  12. Did she expect him to give up and decide to hold it upon discovering the bathrooms were locked?

  13. No way I'd have gone to the gas station, men's restrooms are disgusting. When you enter it's like walking into a mist mixture of urine, chlorine & despair.

    True story, men's restrooms were used in the testing of the affectiveness of hazmat suits. However it proved too dangerous & unnecessary since such conditions didn't exist anywhere else in the world.

    .. except Charlie Sheen's crotch ~zing~!

  14. Depends on the gas station - some of them are wonderful and clean. Others...the gutter is cleaner. Either way, dodged that bullet.

  15. Jared, I wish you had a superpower that let you figure out how the bad dates were so you could contact them and force them to give their side of the story. I agree...having a rebuttal post to this one would be great!!

  16. OP should have just bailed.


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