8/11/2011

Mad Man

Story Sent in by Jean:

I used to work at an ad agency, and when I left there, Lyle was really the only coworker with whom I stayed in touch. He was my age, a funny guy, and we had both disliked the same things about the company.

Not long after I left there, he called me up to ask me out. We met up at a bar and grill and spent most of the time catching up and trading work horror stories.

He asked me, "What are you doing now that you're lucky enough to  be out?"

I replied, "I'm chasing down a few leads, although I'm thinking of starting my own business."

"Really? Me too. What's yours about?"

"Editorial service and copywriting. You?"

He leaned in closer and said, "Actually, I'm thinking about hiring you in particular for this job."

"What sort of work?"

He lowered his voice and said, "Work of a sexual nature."

I nearly snorted my drink out my nose, it was so funny. I laughed and asked, "Sure. I'm in. Seriously, what sort of business are you thinking about starting?"

He said, "Seriously, that. I'd pay you for discreet services. I figure you could use the money, now that you're out of work. You can use it to fund your editorial gig. Everyone wins."

I laughed again, but it was more of a sad laugh, since he said that he was serious. I replied, "I don't think that would be a good deal for me. I–"

"Name your price. I'm dead serious."

I said, "You couldn't afford it." He sighed and looked genuinely disappointed. I asked him, "You're seriously propositioning me?"

He said, "It's not like you'd be a prostitute or something."

"That's the definition of prostitution: sex for money."

"How much do you want?"

I laughed again and said, "Can we change the subject, please?"

"Can I at least grab your ass?"

"Absolutely not."

He sat back, defeated, and said, "So how about those Cubs?"

Not being a sports fan, I replied, "How about them?"

He asked, "Can we go outside? Real quick?"

"I'm fine right here."

He stared at me, then stood up and walked to my side of the table. He looked down at me and sighed again. He said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to belittle you."

I knew that he was under a lot of stress, and in all of our prior conversations, he had been a good guy. While I didn't really want to spend any more time with him, I didn't want to end our friendship over something silly like this. I started, "It's okay, Lyle. You just–"

"Your ass!" he said, then grabbed for it. Too slow, as I hit his arm out of the way and shoved him away from myself.

I shouted, "Get the away from me!" loud enough to attract attention and hopefully dissuade him from trying anything else. He looked around, into the faces of the nearby staring people, then he fled. He didn't contact me again.

5 comments:

  1. Sexual Tourette's is a debilitating condition — so many uncomfortable urges, so much misunderstanding. "Must... grab... ass!"

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  2. I don't get it. She was into him. If he could have just done things the normal way, talked to her, taken her out a couple of times he would probably be grabbing her ass for free. Idiot.

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  3. Yes, but if he hadn't been such an idiot, it would have taken OP MUCH longer to realize what a jerk he was.

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  4. Exactly. Him being an obvious idiot was the best thing that could have happened to the OP, no disappointments later when you're already attached to the guy. But what I don't get is why some guys go with the over-the-top idiocy route, do they ever get what they want? That's the mystery to me.

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  5. Why? Because some people are over-the-top idiots.

    ReplyDelete

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