Zoo Suit Riot

Story Sent in by Becky:

Tom and I had been going out for about a month when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, which was about a week away. As my birthday fell on a weekday, and I work on weekdays, I told him, "You don't have to get me anything special. We can just go out to dinner."

He said, "That's girl-speak. I know what that means."

I thought he was just kidding around, and so I made no further mention of it. When the day of my birthday arrived, though, I was in for a shock.

I woke up to a literal farm in my front yard. Tom had apparently called up a party company and contracted with a petting zoo to set up animal pens, complete with two goats, two sheep, and a crate full of rabbits. It was their braying, in fact, that woke me up at seven in the morning.

I burst outside in my bathrobe and Tom stood there, beaming at me. "Surprise!" he said, "A little farm for your birthday!"

I said, "Thanks, but they're going to ruin my lawn, and I have to go to work in an hour and a half."

He said, "I figured you'd take the day off, since it's your birthday. We can spend it together. I contracted them for a few hours."

I felt awful, but I didn't like the idea of farm animals walking, eating, and defecating on my lawn while I was away at work. Never mind the noise and consideration for the neighbors. I asked Tom, as politely as possible, "I think these guys might have to pack up."

Tom replied, "They can't. I've already paid them in full, and the attendants are going to need bathrooms. You kind of have to stay. I'm sorry."

I replied, "I don't 'kind of have to' do anything. I appreciate this gesture, but I'm going to work today, and these guys have to leave."

Tom said, "What if we don't leave?"

I said, "I want them gone by an hour and a half, or I'm calling the cops. Seriously."

"Holy God," Tom said, "You're such a bitch."

He then turned back to the attendants and asked, loudly, if he could get his money back. I went inside and locked the door, peered out at the activity for a little bit, and then readied for work.

Every few minutes, I looked out a front-facing window, and it looked like the farm people were packing the animals and pens back into their two trucks.

I was almost ready when there was a knocking at my door. I opened it. It was Tom. The farm people had left, and my lawn looked okay, aside from a long divot that looked like something heavy had been dragged across it.

"I'm sorry…" Tom said.

I replied, "Tom, it's okay. I just have to get to work. Were you able to get your money back?"

"…but you're a bitch," he finished, and stomped away from my house.

"Don't come back!" I yelled after him, and slammed the door. Immature of me, perhaps, but for goodness' sake, who orders up a front yard zoo as a surprise for someone's birthday?


  1. Maybe you shouldn't have told him, "I sure do love goats. And sheep. And rabbits. And my front yard. If only there was some way I could combine them."

  2. The only part I had a problem with was:

    "I figured you'd take the day off, since it's your birthday."

    That is something that could easily have been figured out prior to her birthday and the answer may have resolved this whole mess.

  3. ^ In addition to that, I also didn't like the whole "That's girl-speak" thing. Who the fuck is he to assume that all women lie about what they want?

  4. Sometimes a simple "Let's go to dinner" really does mean just that.

  5. ^ Baku, if it's not true, us men have to revise our MANual on girl-speak. Here is a peak below:

    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do It.

    (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question, or faint; just say you're welcome. I want to add in a clause here: This is true unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" in this case, for that will bring on a "whatever").

    (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying screw YOU!

    (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

  6. I'm finding this one just a wee bit hard to believe. Okay, a whole lot hard to believe. Okay, I don't believe a single fucking word of this one.

  7. Howie you hit it dead on my man and I am a woman. Also am I the only one that though the OP was a bitch. I guess maybe I'm weird b/c if someone had done that for me I'd be super excited. I'd love to hear this from his POV.

  8. As a woman who HATES the games women play, I told myself that I would NEVER do any of Howie's post to my husband. But occasionally, I find myself saying #9. [hangs head in shame]

  9. I think the OP had exactly the right reaction. Leaving aside that this guy expected her to drop everything for him, it struck me as strange that a petting zoo was his first choice for entertainment. She's a grown woman with a career. She isn't eight.

    Romantic comedy cliches, in real life, are awkward and off-putting.

  10. It's okay ladies... ^ ^^
    Us men still love ya...besides, you have the vagina and will always be in in control with the last say.

  11. ^I'm with you.

    Also, I'm not a fan of the "what I say is the opposite of what I mean," but I implement the "girlfriend sigh" often and loudly. When I add the "girlfriend eyeroll," it gets my point across clearly and succinctly.

  12. To clarify: Howie's comment wasn't there when I posted. I'm agreeing with *Metaleaf*. Although Howie's not wrong on that last point.

  13. You always say apparently when you're mad.

  14. Sorry Baku, but as Howie has aliterated, that much is mostly true (in part at the very least).

  15. ^ Actually, none of what Howie says applies to me at all. I guess I'm just a freak.

  16. ^Or maybe you've just never had sufficient opportunity to notice.


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