7/02/2011

Chews Wisely

Story Sent in by Nathaniel:

I met Karissa on a dating site, and things went well for a little while.  In one of her email responses to me, she asked, "Are you dating anyone else?"

I replied, "Yes.  I don't usually go exclusive with someone unless I'm really sure about them.  Is that okay?"

She wrote back, "That's fine."  I took her word for it, and not long after, I asked her out to a restaurant for dinner.

At dinner, everything went as expected, but about midway through, something strange happened. It was so fast that I doubted it, but it looked like Karissa, who had one hand on the table and one under it, had peeled off a wad of used gum from under the table and popped it into her mouth.

She had definitely made the motion, her hand had gone from under the table to her mouth, and it looked like she had placed a small white mass within. Still, maybe I had imagined it. It simply couldn't have happened, or else I mistook it for something else. However, from that point on, she chewed as if gum was in her mouth. Perhaps she already had it in her hand and I just didn't see it.

After dinner, we took a walk through a nearby park. As we strolled on a concrete walkway by a bridge, we passed a patch of pavement, peppered with old, black spots of gum.

She sighed when she saw it and said, "It really pisses me off when people leave their gum on the sidewalk.  I mean, come on, really?"

Joking around, I said, "How about under tables?"

She lowered her voice and said, "That's not as gross."

I asked her, still curious from before, "Ever chewed someone else's gum from under a table?"

In response, she reared her head back and spat her gum at me.  It hit my upper left cheek and splatted onto the ground.

I shouted in surprise and asked her, "What was that for?"

She replied, "It's not a big deal.  I mean, you'll date more than one person at a time, but me chewing table gum and spitting it at you is gross?  Hello double standards!"

I tried to work out her logic, but when I found that it wasn't that of a sane person, I said, "Okay.  Goodbye," and I left her there.

"You're just leaving?" she called after me, but I didn't stop.  What she was thinking, I'll never know.

8 comments:

  1. She did actually leave her gum on the sidewalk. "Hello double standards!"

    ReplyDelete
  2. Whatever standards she has, I would want nothing to do with them.

    This is so completely gross.

    ReplyDelete
  3. *vomits under desk*

    Say hello to any of our fine friends, mono, strep throat, CMV (a form of herpes), influenza, meningitis, hep B, KSHV (another form of herpes, this one cancer-like), and possibly even HIV.

    And no, I'm not talking about the cute and cuddly versions.
    http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/6708/

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm pretty sure you can't get HIV from someone else's gum. I remember hearing that you would need to drink 9 gallons of someone's saliva before there was any real risk of getting HIV from them. Unless both you and the original chewer had open wounds in their moths, in which case all bets are off.

    I wouldn't like to have been a part of that experiment. "Here's 9 gallons of a stranger's saliva. Drink it all and then we'll test you for HIV."

    ReplyDelete
  5. ^ mouths*. If you have moths then that's a whole other problem.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @c82a83

    And that would be why I said "possibly". I really don't get what you were tying to do there.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Her logic was sound; she just didn't "spit it out" very well.

    If he is dating more than one woman and if he makes out with more than one woman, he is basically receiving saliva into his mouth from multiple people. It's true that there isn't much chance of cross-contamination (unless he makes out with Amy, then immediately goes on a date with Susie and makes out with her) but the idea is similar to chewing someone else's used gum.

    Or I'm just bored...

    ReplyDelete

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