6/08/2011

Something to Eschew

Story Sent in by Tim:

Margaret and I were out on our first date, having our dinners, when she asked me, "Hey, could you chew softer? I can hear you chewing from here."

I tried chewing softer. We talked about a few other topics, then she interrupted again: "Hey, maybe you could chew just a little softer. I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really grossing me out."

"Uh, sorry. I'm doing my very best."

She groaned, put her silverware down, wiped her mouth, and said, "I'll be right back."

She left the table and exited the restaurant. I had no idea what she was up to, and I wondered if she'd ever be back at all. I continued my meal, chewing as I normally do. No one had ever complained about my chewing before, so what else was there to do?

She returned about ten minutes later and shoved into my face a photo she had taken with the camera on her phone. It was of a food processor, and likely taken in a nearby housewares store.

"You need one of these," she said, "You can suck your food down and no one will have to listen to your chewing anymore."

I stared at her in disbelief, and she sealed it by saying, "You can at least thank me."

To thank her, I chewed my food as loudly as possible for the rest of our unimaginably short date.

18 comments:

  1. ...she wouldn't be complaining about your chewing noises if you lips were hanging off her beef curtain.

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  2. ^ "Beef curtain"?! *gags*

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  3. ^ sigh...sorry Baku..upon further review, perhaps I shouldn't have referred to a woman's piss flaps as beef curtains. Next time I'll be more mature and call it the cum toilet. Thanks for your understanding in this matter and again, I do apologize!

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  4. Should have gotten up and left. Why sit through insults and still split the cheque?

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  5. She most likely suffers from misophonia which is a legitimate mental condition. She needs treatment.

    I personally suffer from Howiephonia, where all of Howie's "jokes" feel flat and juvenile to me. Go figure.

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  6. And some people just chew like a horse as if they don't know what lips are for.

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  7. Aw Howie, you know I love ya! XD

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  8. Dear TacoDave...

    You cannot imagine the immensity of the shit, I don't give!

    Besides, I can't take a 'man?' with his nipples showing and a wrestler mask seriously? I mean, c'mon.... Use that photo on your gay dating site...not here. It creeps me out.

    Best,
    Howie

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  9. ^^ Baku....righ back atcha!
    You help rock this site!

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  10. Aw, Howie, did you get your feewings hurt? Rise above the trolling, my love!

    Although, seriously, if you ever describe a woman's vjj with those terms again, I might hunt you down and throw up on you. <3

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  11. It's not the first time I've heard that terminology so it didn't really bother me. Then again, Howie might just be repeating himself.

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  12. I don't mind Howie's humor. It's the "I say things that are so shocking!" bit that has my panties in a bunch.

    What IS shocking is that my manly nipples are offensive. You can't really see them in the thumbnail, so *someone* must have embiggened the pic to take a closer look...

    :-)

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  13. Thanks Nikki...my ritalin® has kicked in and I'm all good again. Rise up! I can always count on you to set me straight!

    And Mediator...I am offened! I may have used:
    cooter, beaver, fish lips, taco dave, camel toe, muff, snatch, fuck hole, penis glove, cock pocket, sperm bottle, goop chute, slit, trim, pooter, love rug, poontang, cooch, vertical bacon sandwich, bearded clam, honey pot or cunny...but not cum toilet...at least to my recollection! ...mmm...Howie is hungry now.

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  14. LOL. Thanks for including me, Howie. the love is mutual.

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  15. hehe howiephonia.

    and caps are for losers, at least for today

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  16. Not the one I was referring to, Howie.

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  17. Howie, you missed 'Badly-packed kebab'.

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