6/01/2011

A River in Egypt

Story Sent in by Owen:

Mary and I met in our college library and I asked her out on a coffee date for a Thursday evening. While we were sitting down together, she confessed, "I lost my virginity two weeks ago."

Unsure of how to respond, I said a hasty, "That's great," and didn't press the issue any further.

"With a teaching assistant. One I had last semester."

"Are you going to pursue a relationship with him?" I asked.

She said, "Of course. We had sex."

"Oh. Of course."

She nodded. "I've been trying to reach him, but he's had his phone turned off for like, a week."

Suddenly, a thought struck me. I asked, "What's the TA's name?"

"John Prendergast."

I knew John Prendergast. He was the older brother of one of my college friends. Before prudence could step in, I heard myself say, "I know him."

Mary at once fixated on me. "Can you remind him to call me back? I'm sure he's just forgotten."

"Erm... maybe he's not calling you back on purpose?"

"No way. He said he loved me. He's been really busy, I guess, but even a short hello would be good to hear."

I excused myself to use the bathroom, and I shot John a text to let him know that I was out with Mary. He wrote back almost instantly to warn me, "Dude, stay far away from her. She's insane."

She didn't seem that insane to me, but I wasn't about to jump into the middle of things. When I returned to my seat, she asked me, "I was thinking of bringing John some flowers. Do you think he'd like that?"

"I—"

"What kind of flowers do you think he'd like? Tell me about him."

"Well—"

"All about him."

I shot off a few superficial John facts and after a couple of minutes, Mary pulled out her phone and dialed John, herself. It went to his voicemail.

"Damn," she muttered, "he must be so busy. Poor thing."

"Maybe you should wait for him to call you."

"But I want him to know that I care and that I'm thinking about him." With that, she stood up and said, "I'm really sorry to do this, but I'm going to go make something special for him. Poor thing is so busy."

"Maybe you should leave him alone for a bit."

She replied, "Maybe you should shut the hell up and mind your business!"

I had no response for that, and she went on, "Look, I'm sorry. I'm really worried about him. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

I bid her goodbye, and she left. Poor, deluded thing.

7 comments:

  1. HAHAHA she thought somebody loved her!

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  2. Bring him two-lips. Men love to receive two-lips.

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  3. If he really did tell her he loved her, then it's his own fault. He made her believe there was something between them, I assume, to get some ass. Not cool. Unfortunately, she turned out to be a clingy, obsessive girl.

    Then again, she could be one of those girls who hears what she wants to hear.

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  4. I'd love to hear her side of this not so much the date part but the John part b/c it sounds like dude just screwed her and dumped her. I mean the girl lost her virginity to this guy and then he didn't call her again that is harsh and she's probably just naive and thought he loved her b/c you know sex means love in her mind. Poor girl

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  5. As an experienced cherry-popper and someone who once had her cherry popped, you NEVER not call them back after taking their v-card. And you certainly don't do it if you just want some ass. You do NOT take someone's virginity if you just wanna get laid and s/he is available. As Dan Savage says: virgins are like campsites; you want to leave them better than you found them.

    Also, all virgins go crazy if their first breaks up with them. ALL.

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  6. ^ I heard that applies to anal sex too.

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  7. "I lost my virginity two weeks ago."

    Unsure of how to respond, I said a hasty, "That's great," and didn't press the issue any further.

    "With a teaching assistant. One I had last semester."

    "Are you going to pursue a relationship with him?" I asked.

    She said, "Of course. We had sex."

    "Well, good luck with that. BYE!"

    ReplyDelete

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