6/01/2011

The Moleman Prophecies

Story Sent in by Karen:

Manny contacted me through a dating site. His messages seemed intelligently written and articulate, so we quickly set up a dinner date at a local restaurant. The pictures on his profile showed that he was a reasonably good looking, swarthy, Mediterranean-type. None of the pictures were close-ups of his face, but I didn't think anything of it until we met.

When we met at the restaurant, the first thing I noticed was the collection of large moles on his face, each of which boasted several dark, bristly hairs. The worst one was nestled right under his eyebrow, on the side of his nose. It had so many hairs growing out of it that it looked like he had glued a spider upside-down on his face. Every time he made a facial expression, the "legs" kicked and danced, which caught my eye and made maintaining eye contact difficult.

I spent the first 20 minutes with him trying to think of ways of getting my hands on some roofies so I could knock him unconscious, pluck out all the hairs, cut off the moles and burn them in a bonfire so they could never crawl their way onto another face again. Reluctantly, I came back to my senses and I decided that I should get to know Manny a little better, and if our personalities clicked, maybe I'd slip him a gift certificate for electrolysis on our one month anniversary or something.

It seemed that Manny hadn't even noticed my disgraceful lack of attention. He was deep in a story that went something like, "Most women I know are dumbasses. My mother burned my supper on Tuesday, my office manager is dumber than an asshole on a starship, and my goddamn fat neighbor bitch wears spandex that would be tight on a toothpick whenever she gardens. Freakin' fat roll smorgasbord."

By that time I knew I wasn't interested. When dinner came to a close, he suggested returning to his mother's house for a drink.

"No thanks," I said.

He smashed his fist down on the table, said, "Fuck it," and stormed out of the restaurant without paying for his own meal.

I quickly paid the tab and went home. I still see his profile up but I've never heard from him, or his moles, again.

11 comments:

  1. The mole. A freckles ugly cousin.

    You sound like you handled this very well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Dumber than an asshole on a starship". Anyone feel like explaining this one to me, or does that make me dumber than an asshole on a starship?
    One would think that anyone holding a position on a starship would be quite smart, but maybe it's some kind of weird lingo I'm not hip to yet.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Am I the only one here who feels this was a set-up? Tell insulting stories about women to offend her, storm out when she refuses to continue the date, get a free meal. Why in God's name did you pay for his meal, OP?!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe he said "dumber than that asshole on a starship" meaning Rimmer on Red Dwarf.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anyone else reminded of Fred Savage's cameo in the second (third?) "Austin Powers" movie?

    Fun fact: Fred Savage and I are born on the same day as OJ Simpson!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sounds like she missed an opportunity for some grade-A hilarity.

    For the novice, one could always recycle the "mole. mo-o-ole. moleymoleymoley... etc." bit from Austin Powers.

    For more advanced amusement, come up with something new, like "I'm working on an important project at work, and we're really concerned about information leaks. It seems like I'm surrounded by moles. [slowly, with emphasis:] I. See. Moles. EVERYWHERE."

    ReplyDelete
  7. I stopped drinking OJ

    I heard it kills.

    Boo-ya

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Here's a quarter. Go downtown and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!"

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Baku-Chan I just watched Uncle Buck the other day too, awesome line LOVE IT

    ReplyDelete
  10. As for the asshole line, maybe it's a reference to Spaceballs? "How many Assholes do we have on this ship?"

    ReplyDelete
  11. Only a fat chick on a date would think "If our personalities clicked I'd get him a gift certificate for electrolysis". hahahaha....

    ReplyDelete

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