6/30/2011

If Dr. Seuss and Tarzan Mated

Email Sent in by Ben:

(Ben says: "I went on two dates with Charlotte.  After the second one, I didn't hear from her until this message arrived a few days later.")


Ben,

Thanks for the good time last Friday.  The thing is, I think you're just too perfect for me to continue to date.  Your life is all together, you have a tight-knit family, and you get along with everybody.  It makes me want to cry myself inside out.

The thing is, nothing has ever gone well for me.  I'm bad luck.  People die around me all the time.  People lose money.  People sad.  Me go away.

Away maybe to basement.  Rats in basement.  Me raise rats.  Train rats.  Train rats on trains.  Little hats on rats.  Rat hats.  Thin rats.  Fat rats.  Hats for fat rats.  Maybe bats.  Hats on bats.  Bat hats.

Bat hats cat rats?  Rat bat cat sats.

BATSHATSCATSHATSHATSRATSBATHATS.

Charlotte

10 comments:

  1. Dr. Seuss's mildly retarded granddaughter begins dating...

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Fat rats. Hats for fat rats."

    Should probably read:
    "Fat bitch rats. Hats for fat bitch rats."

    The end of that e-mail comes off as either a bad case of the drugs or a good case of the trolls.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I suppose if you have to tell somebody that you don't want to date them anymore, convincing them that they're genuinely just too perfect to date your poor insane self is a REALLY considerate way to let them down!

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Fragmented thinking is characteristic of schizophrenia [...]
    Clang – Meaningless use of rhyming words (“I said the bread and read the shed and fed Ned at the head")."

    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/schizophrenia_symptom.htm

    ReplyDelete
  5. ^ That seems a little harsh - I mean, you basically just described 90% of the lyrics to Bon Iver songs. Maybe this girl's just a superfan. ;-)

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  6. Reminds me of that episode of Hoarders where that guy had over 1,000 rats living in his house...

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  7. Talk about self esteem and depression problems rolled into one package. You should have hit that, seriously I bet she would have done anything you asked.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yeah, I'm a bad person.

    ReplyDelete

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