Story Sent in by Fern:
David was a guy I met online. If his profile was any indicator, he was a calm, composed, straight-laced guy who had been too busy establishing his career (he was an attorney in a big firm) to pay attention to his love life.
"Forgive me if this is blunt," he wrote in his introductory message, "I've been out of the 'game' for awhile, but your profile has seriously interested me more than anyone else's. In the spirit of full disclosure, I've written to two other people, but I have to confess that you've generated a very clear picture of yourself through your words."
He was nice, and he was handsome, and so we talked for a little while, first by email and then by phone. He asked me out a little less than a month after his first message. He was nervous and so awkward that I couldn't help but say yes. He made me smile.
We agreed to meet outdoors, in front of a town library. I wore a nice first-date outfit, but he showed up in a full suit and tie. I had to laugh.
"You didn't have to go all formal," I reassured him, "A date isn't like going to a job."
He looked down at his clothes and smiled back. "Sorry," he replied, "I really wanted to look good for you."
I said, "I think you look great."
We took a walk for about 20 minutes to nowhere in particular, just up and down the main street and side roads. He barely spoke at all, and he seemed seriously put off. I did my best to make him feel comfortable, cracking jokes, asking about his work, and so on. He answered me, but always as if he didn't really want to.
It was almost dinnertime, and I asked him where he wanted to go. He stopped walking and turned to me. He said, "I'm sorry. This is my first date in years. I feel like I'm really disappointing you."
I was sympathetic, but couldn't stop myself from losing some interest. I replied, "It's okay. Try to relax. I'm not judging you."
He said, "There's one thing I can think of to do, to relax."
He raised his hands, then put them on my shoulders. I thought that he was going to try and force a kiss, and I was ready to turn my face away, but instead, he shook me. He shook me like a rag doll. He shook me like he wanted to win first prize at the international shaking contest. He shook me like he wanted to hurt me.
I spun from his grasp, landing an open palm on his face. We were both too shocked to say anything, but he ran away, on his heels, down the street.
I never heard from him again, not even an apology. His profile vanished from the site shortly thereafter. I guess that's when happens when you learn first-date etiquette from gorilla documentaries.
Story Sent in by Fern: