5/31/2011

The Butcher, the Baker, the Sandwich Maker

Story Sent in by Giacomo:

Anna and I met online, and we spoke for a few weeks before she invited me to a pool party at her house. She had invited four other friends, two sets of couples, and so I went into it with high hopes. Anna herself was in a bikini top and sarong skirt, and she gave me a big hug hello.

We were all sitting out by the pool, and hadn't been getting to know each other for too long when one of Anna's friends, Tony, handed his empty lemonade glass to me. He said, "Hey man, be a friend and fill this up for me?"

I wanted to make a good impression on Anna and her friends, so I did the friendly thing and took Tony's glass inside, filled it, and brought it back to him.

When I returned, one of the girls, Marissa, asked me, "While you're up, would you make me a sandwich? Anna said that she has ham, Swiss, and mayo. That sounds good."

"And one for me, too," Tony said.

"And me," another friend, Stacy, said.

I replied, "Maybe we can all go in and make sandwiches together."

Anna put a hand on my shoulder and said to me, "Would you mind making the sandwiches? I'm just catching up with my friends."

I whispered to her, "I assumed that you'd want to catch up with me, too."

She said, "Maybe later. Right now, we're all pretty hungry, so if you could go ahead and make us those sandwiches, that would be great. And make yourself one, too, while you're at it."

I went inside and found all of the sandwich-making materials, but discovered that Anna only had enough slices of bread for five sandwiches. I had the idea to cut them in half so that everyone could have at least one.

Once I made them, I returned outside to find everyone laughing and playing in the pool.

Anna called to me, "Just set them down on the table."

I did that, then sat down to eat one. "What are you doing?" Anna yelled at me, "Can't you wait for us?"

I replied, "Does it matter? Anyone can come and grab one when they're ready."

She called back, "Are those half-sandwiches?"

"Yes."

She climbed out of the pool in a rage, as her friends watched. She looked down at the sandwiches, picked one up, and said, "What the hell school of sandwich-making did you go to, that you cut these so small?"

I answered, "You only had enough bread for five full sandwiches, and there are six of us."

"Um, hello!" she said, "So you come out here and tell me, and I give you the money to go out and buy more bread! Are you stupid?"

Before I could reply, she picked up the plate of sandwiches, but I jumped from my chair and grabbed as many as I could.

She tossed the remaining ones into the pool and then turned to me and made a grab for the ones that I held.

I stuffed one into my mouth and carried the rest away. She chased me around the pool, screaming, "Thief! Thief! Give those back!"

I was faster and flew from the backyard and her house. Once in my car, I drove away, the Res used sandwiches thrown hastily in my front passenger seat.

She wrote me a long, long email about what an disrespectful asshole I was. I replied to inform her that I was there as her date, not as a servant. No response to that.

20 comments:

  1. "I wanted to make a good impression on Anna and her friends, so I did the friendly thing and took Tony's glass inside, filled it, and brought it back to him."

    Glad that worked out well for you.

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  2. Wow. Ok, the girl was nuts. I, however, have a few problems with the way the OP handled things.
    1) Unless I was getting up and going inside I would not have gone in to get anyone anything or made the sandwiches.
    2) Had I decided to make the sandwiches and realized that there was not enough bread, I would have gone outside and told her.
    3) Had I made the sandwiches the way the OP did, when she through her fit I would have let her do what she wanted with them and calmly left. Yeah, he made them, but they were groceries that she paid for and she can destroy them if she wants to.
    Instead of her looking crazy and the OP looking like a mature, helpful adult, they both look immature.

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  3. The OP was in the right. He acted well.

    1) The event was a pool party, things were nice and relaxing and the OP was enjoying the company of new people.
    2) They should have been grateful that he even bothered to make sandwiches for them.
    3) Don't you remember kids? They are taught to behave and politely accept gifts and presents even if it is not what they were expecting?
    4) Good for him for leaving. Imagine how uncomfortable he felt at the time.

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  4. What sucks about this whole exchange is that to them, he will come off as the dick.

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  5. Something something lol pr0n.

    pickleorsomething.com.net

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  6. She was a bitch, sure, but OP brought much of it on himself. Getting a drink for some random dude is bad enough, but why in the seven circles of hell did he ever agree to make sandwiches? I suspect there never was a 'date' at all, and the whole situation was just to mess with him... after the sandwiches she would have asked for something even more outlandish and they all would have had a further laugh as he obediently shuffled off to do it.

    It's kind of like a sadistic psychopathic version of "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie".

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  7. I want to read the email she sent him.

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  8. "Hey man, be a friend and fill this up for me?"...

    Right..

    Doing this sort of errands for women can, on specific situations (and not all), be seem as gentleman'y. Going out of your way and doing it for a guy you barely know, for no reason out of his behalf? Prison bitch.

    If you are all in a social group talking, even if the guy was already a good friend, asking for it that way would be complete disrespect.

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  9. @Amanda: Bravo. Golf clap.

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  10. Children, today's lesson is that no matter how friendly & good natured you are, if you behave like a spineless manservant, the sadistic, psychobitch & her friends will treat you like one.

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  11. ^Thank you for saying what I didn't have time to say, precious.

    Also, I've noted that "pickles in my ass" is the new "fat bitch."

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  12. ^ Indeed. Burn the troll!

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  13. 1. I was kind of hoping it would be a bigger event, and she'd told everyone he was helping cater, similar to all the people trying to convince dates to help them do stuff that we've had on here, and Tony doesn't know how to treat "friends" (he could've at least said please)

    2. Bitches Bee Crazy (people give me odd looks for trying to work that into casual conversation about crazy things ladies do, probably less odd than trying to use ass pickles, so I will stick with Bees)

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  14. He had to take them sandwiches away from her because you know, she's fat. Fat bitch with a pickle in her ass.

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  15. One thing that really works for me when I'm put in situations like this (where I want to look nice but at the same time not be a pushover) is to agree to do the favor, but on my own timetable. For example, if I had been in that situation and Tony handed me the glass, I'd have said "Hey, no problem dude! I'll be getting a drink for myself pretty soon anyway, so I'd be happy to refill your glass while I'm there."

    The key is to not actually DO the favor for a while, but just keep enjoying the party. When Tony asks "So, how about that drink?" just smile and hang on to the glass, saying "Eh, I'm not thirsty yet. But dude, like I said, I've totally got this. Just, you know, try to survive a bit longer if you can." (wink playfully)

    This strategy outwardly makes me seem like a nice guy (because I agreed to do the favor) but at the same time lowers the social status of whomever asked me for the favor, since I am making them put their physical needs on my timetable. (For maximum giggles, reassure them that you're totally going to do the favor "real soon" and see how long you can make them wait.)

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  16. That's a good idea wolfdreams.
    I'm surprised no one (i.e. Howie) has suggested he interpret "Hey man, be a friend and fill this up for me?" as you would when a doctor asks you...

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  17. Jared, this has been bothering me all night: It should be

    The Butcher, the Baker, the Sandawich Maker.

    You're fucking up the meter!!!

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  18. ^ I thought the proper word was "Sammich"

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  19. jonaldson, you cracked me up :D

    gherkinsinmyvagina.blogspot.com

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  20. I guess the lesson is, never go on a first date if it's more than just you and the date.

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