9/09/2010

"This Place Is an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet"

Submitted by Stephanie:

I knew Chris from church, and he always struck me as handsome and nice, but also a bit of a loner.  I was surprised when he joined our youth group's weekend hiking trip.

Eleven of us were signed up, mostly women, and I was really looking forward to it.  We arranged the caravan and headed out late on Friday for the state park, two hours away.  Our plans were to camp until early Sunday afternoon.

Most of us were together in a minivan, and most of us were talking for most of the way.  Chris was sitting next to me, typically, silent.  I began prodding him, asking him a bit about himself, and slowly, he opened up.

He was the one I knew the least about, and also the one about whom I was the most curious.  He was an amateur carpenter, an aspiring actor, and something about his voice made him irresistibly attractive.  At one point, he put his arm around me while we were talking.  It might have been to be more comfortable, or it might have been something else.  I was fine with it, either way.

We arrived at the site, and Chris stayed close to me.  He helped me pitch my tent, and he even started the bonfire.  He sat next to me while we all talked, sang, and enjoyed each other's company.

My first inkling that something was amiss cam when he followed me back to my tent.  "Can I come in with you?" he asked.

I told him, "I think you should sleep in your own tent, but we can talk more tomorrow."  I hugged him goodnight, and he trudged away.

The next day, we all went out for hikes, and Chris was noticeably paying less attention to me.  I didn't mind, but it didn't escape my observation.  He was talking, almost animated, with some of the other girls, like Katie, Jackie, and Kelly.  He seemed to be avoiding me.  It made me a little sad, but I wasn't there to impress a guy.  I was there to have a good time with my friends, which is exactly what I did.

That night, he was absent from the bonfire.  We figured that he was in his tent, and so we didn't bother him.

A few hours later, when we had just put the fire out and gone to bed, there was a scratching at my tent.  I opened it and Chris tumbled in, reeking of alcohol.

"This place is an all-you-can-eat buffet," he said.

"What do you mean?"

He said, "Jackie and Kelly just let me go down on them.  You up for it?"

I stared at him and replayed his last words over a few times in my mind.  Once I was positive that I had heard what I had heard, I asked him to leave my tent.  He did, and I zipped it closed.

He was late coming out of his tent the next morning, so I had a chance to speak with Jackie and Kelly.  They denied doing any such things with Chris, and I'm inclined to believe them.  Mostly because they're my friends, but also because Jackie was sharing a tent with her younger brother, and such an act would be difficult to hide.

We were packing up by the time that someone collected Chris and stuffed him into the van with the rest of us.  He didn't say a word the whole way back. 

He only came back to church once since then, and I haven't seen him in over a year.

23 comments:

  1. "Difficult," yes, but impossible...? Especially if Chris shared some of the sauce with Jackie's brother ahead of time.

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  2. It takes really terrible table manners to leave the buffet and alienated the staff to the poing that you cannot consume even a morsel.

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  3. Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.

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  4. Tiger changed his name to Cheetah.

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  5. hun hate to break it to you, but he ate both those girls clambakes....they knew your lil church girl soul couldn't handle the "good word".

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  6. God damn it people, Tiger woods this, Tiger woods that.. it's getting old, especially when it has little to do with the story.

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  7. Tigarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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    rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr for archer!

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  8. "He helped me pitch my tent"...and then I helped him pitch his. BARUM-BUM-BUM

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  9. So, once more, wasn't a date eh?

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  10. 10:39 - My mind immediately went there too.

    And while it wasn't a date, it was still a pretty funny story about some weirdo getting smashed and hitting on a bunch of church girls in the middle of the woods.

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  11. It's got a vaguely creepy vibe going on, so I think it's a good'un. I was expecting Jackie to reply to the accusation "...you mean that WASN'T my brother last night???" but it's still worth reading.

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  12. I wish my church was this...well. Just not so good. Everyone there are angels. It scares me. I don't think that the 14-year old boy curses. Mostly because I saw him on the street the other day and he tripped on his skateboard and he went, "Oh snap! Oh gosh darnit! My goshdarn feet!" And went about his business...His name was either Jacob or Elijah. He's one of the twins..

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  13. Doesn't she know the cunnilingus is totally not a sin? She missed out.

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  14. 10:17 - Don't feed the trolls

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  15. I've known drunkards to tell the truth far more often than sober church girls the morning after.

    Just sayin'.

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  16. Seven-Thirty9/09/2010 6:55 PM

    Obesity on the rise as a nation cannot resist a third helping.

    The OP is a suspicious one. She did not dismiss the cunnilingus claims out of hand, but mulled them over thoroughly, and was intrigued enough to investigate.

    The smart money says that Jackie and Kelly, those sly born-again tarts, let Chris and the little brother contest each other doing salt licks and tequila shots. Little bro passed out and the girls indulged themselves after he passed out.

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  17. Maybe he mistook you for beavers, being drunk and in the forest and all that.

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  18. A bad case of the rapes.

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  19. Anon 3:20 - . . . and?

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  20. ^ Baku-chan, let it go, don't feed the trolls.

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  21. Dude, I don't even see an Anon 3:20!! Did it get deleted? whomp whomp :(

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  22. 11:49, yes, Jared censors posts. The post said:

    "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you..."

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  23. ^^Did you just Rick Roll that anon?

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