Submitted by Zachary:
My first and only time trying online dating was back in 2005. I've never been on it since, and this story is why.
Emma's profile hit all the marks. She worked in marketing for an ad agency, she seemed smart, had a lot to say, and was damn fine. I wrote her a message, we went back and forth for a little while, graduated to phone calls, and ultimately made plans for a date.
I wasn't expecting to find someone I liked online so quickly, so I was pretty nervous. I bought a new shirt. I hadn't remembered the last time I felt such happy, anticipatory butterflies. She laughed at my jokes. She was a great conversationalist. It was going to be awesome.
Hoooooo... it wasn't. Not too long after sitting down at dinner, she asked me a bit more about my past. I told her that I had been steady with a girl, Alana, throughout college, but that it had ended after Alana had moved away for a job. I mentioned that Alana and I were still in touch, and Emma cut in, "Well, that would have to stop."
I asked her, "Stop? What do you mean?"
Emma explained, like to a 3-year-old, that she wouldn't let a boyfriend speak with any former girlfriend. She repeated, "It's too dangerous," over and over. It was really off-putting. Even after I said that Alana and I were just friends at this point, Emma repeated, "It's too dangerous," and asked me how far I had gone with Alana.
"Um... sex? We were together for over three years."
Emma looked ready to explode. What else was she expecting? Did she want me to say, "We kissed on the cheek once, because that's all her daddy allowed us to do"?
Emma said, "No, no, no, no, no. That's got to stop."
I said, "Alana and I haven't been together for over five years. Are you still in touch with any of the guys you've had sex with?"
Emma said, "None of your business. And that's different, anyway. I'm a girl."
I thought about pointing out the hypocrisy of her argument, but opted to not get sucked into the whirlpool. I changed the subject. "On your profile, you said that you're into skiing?"
She cut in, "Don't change the subject. If you don't cut ties with Alana, then I don't want to go out with you."
At this point, my definition of "good date" had gone from, "having a good time with Emma" to "escaping Emma."
Then came the best line of all. She asked, "Am I being unreasonable, here?"
I said. "You're not. You're right. I'll cut ties with her. I can see it from your perspective."
Once dinner was over, I made up some bull about having to leave because I had to go into work early the next morning. Emma was all over that. "You don't have to go," she pleaded, "Just an hour longer."
I'd rather put a bullet through my head, you crazy Internet psycho bitch. Why did I waste all of this time getting to know you? How come you weren't this crazy a week ago? Or two weeks ago? Or three? If you felt justified in acting this way, then WHY NOT ACT THIS WAY FROM THE BEGINNING?
Politely but firmly, I ended the date, and I severed all communications with her shortly afterward. Alana and I still talk, and I have regular sex. Not with Alana, true, but most importantly, not with Emma.
Submitted by Zachary: