Trick or Treat

Submitted by Alex

Vanessa, my girlfriend of three months, heard about a Halloween party being thrown by someone at where she worked and announced to me that we were going.  This was about ten minutes before she planned to leave my place for the party, so I had about that much time to find a costume.  She was going as a nurse.  Yes, that kind of nurse.

I found an old sheet and made a toga.

She knew everyone at the party, or so it seemed.  She quickly absorbed herself in the packed apartment, leaving me to fend for myself, which was fine.  I'm good in social situations and soon had my own group of people to talk to.

People were hooking up on the couch and one or two in corners.  I went back to the makeshift bar for another drink.  On my way there, I saw a guy humping a broom handle.  Drink 'til she's hot, I say.

While pouring myself more... whatever it was I was pouring myself, I heard some yells from one of the other rooms.  "Get a room, you two!" and similar.

I had a vague feeling that, if I investigated, I wouldn't like what I would discover.  Turns out that I was right!  My girlfriend of three months was practically fastened, airtight to some douchebag's mouth.  This guy was dressed up like one member of a barbershop quartet.  Where are your other three members, douchebag?  Oh yeah.  You're a douchebag, so they're probably out somewhere without you.  Somewhere that doesn't allow douchebags.  Douchebag.

I removed my sheet, put it over them, said, "Get a room!" and left the party.  We didn't live together, but she still had stuff at my place, so when I made it home, I moved all of her stuff onto the front porch.

Maybe some kids would mistake her birth control pills for candy.

Lovers and Traitors

Submitted by Christopher

Dana and I were on a fourth date. We were going to start the evening with dinner at my place, and then go out to meet up with some friends.

After dinner, we ended up talking and making out on my couch. Our conversation followed no real path, although she asked me about some of my kinks. I thought, "Hot. Here's a way to strengthen the relationship," so I told her a few of my turn-ons, which I don't usually make public knowledge.

When I asked her to name some of hers, she answered by kissing me. Well, plenty of time to learn them later on.

We were out with our friends later on in the evening, and with barely half a drink behind her, she blabbed everything that I had told her, to my friends. Everything. It didn't even come up in conversation. We were talking about work or sports or the news and out she came with it all.

My friends all gave me a look, to which I replied, "Dana wouldn't know, since Dana and I are just going to stay friends after she told me about all the guys she slept with."

That didn't please her at all, and in retrospect I shouldn't have said it, but I wasn't pleased with her unprovoked betrayal.

The part about us staying friends didn't end up happening, either.

Teenage Wasteland

Submitted by Dave:

I met Rachel, 26, out at a local dive bar and we hit it off. She was in her second year of med school and I'm a chemical engineer for a local biotech. I'm 28.

We went to dinner and she began the evening by telling me about her past relationships, which I usually don't like to hear about on a first date, but it's not a dealbreaker.

She mentioned that I was the oldest guy that she had ever had a date with. She said that she was normally attracted to younger men. Okay. Whatever. At least the conversation flowed, and she seemed attracted enough to me.

Later in dinner, when she was in the middle of telling me about Steve, one of her more recent boyfriends, she let it slip that, "...and we had a bad fight, which was cut short because of his curfew."

Confused, I asked her to elaborate. She said that, as Steve was 14 YEARS OLD, he still had a curfew.

I asked, "When was this relationship?"

She told me that it was a little over a year ago. Oh my god.

She was quick to assure me that it was nothing sexual, but that she preferred dating younger (REALLY younger) men because she found them, ironically, more mature.  It took a friend of hers to convince her to try someone in her own age range.

Then she started describing how wonderful it was to kiss him, and at that point I had had enough. Sorry. Not my thing.

Called on Account of Rain

Submitted by Sarah

I decided to try out Internet dating and started talking to Dan.  He seemed nice and he had a couple of good phone conversations before I agreed to go out with him.  He said that he was new to the city (so was I) and that he didn’t know where my work was so I should come meet him. I had only lived in the city for two weeks but I thought I knew the way.  It was raining and the walk was long, but I finally made it to the place he described.

I knew what he looked like from his photos so I started looking around for him.  When I couldn’t see him anywhere I gave him a call.

I said “I’m here, have you arrived yet?”

He replied in an angry sarcastic tone, “Yes! You walked straight passed me.”

A little taken aback I apologised but I did ask “Why didn’t you stop me?”

He replied, “I'm walking towards you now.”

Okay, I am not shallow, but the photo he sent me must have been the best photo he has ever taken because it looked hardly anything like him.  No wonder I hadn’t recognized him.

We sat down and he pulled out his phone.  He started talking about its good and bad points and played with it for about 10 minutes without looking up at me once.  I figured that he was a little shy and asked him about his work.  This initiated another 10-minute ramble, whilst still playing with his phone, about his crappy job, bad boss, etc.

I decided that I had had enough.  I was cold, I had just walked miles in the rain, and this guy couldn't even look at me, let alone asked me a single question.  I told him that I had to go and he agreed, as he had so much to do that night and shouldn’t have come because he was so busy (um... you organized it!).

He then told me that he had been living in the city his whole life and he knew where my work was, but just didn’t feel like walking all the way downtown.  I guess he was just as uninterested when he saw me as I was him.

I Want to Ride Your Bicycle

Submitted by Juliana:

My first date with Sam went well enough, nothing to write home about.  I was able to go either way on the idea of a second date.

After he dropped me off in front of my apartment complex, I went inside for a few minutes, then walked back down, outside, and around to the back of the building.  I had heard it was going to rain that night and I wanted to take my bike, which was locked to a bike rail, inside the communal storage area.

When I rounded the corner, in the dark, I saw a guy standing next to my bike, kneeling.  He was trying to break the lock!  Bastard!

I ran up to him, waved my arms like a gorilla, and shouted, "What do you think you're doing, asshole?"

The guy turned, white as a sheet, and almost fell backward over the bike as he ran off.

It was Sam.

He never called for a second date.

A Touching Movie

Submitted by Sasha:

Barry took me out to a movie for our first date.  He put his arm around me just after the opening credits rolled.  I gently removed it and whispered, "A little too fast."

Five minutes after, he put his arm around me again.  Once more, I removed it, this time without saying anything.

He excused himself and went to the bathroom about fifteen minutes later.  When he came back, he put his arm around my shoulders again.  This time I wasn't as gentle and told him to stop it.

When he did it a fourth time, I left the theater.  We had driven there separately and I drove back towards home.

Barry texted twenty minutes later: "WHERE R U?"

I ignored it, but he kept texting and texting: "R U OK?" "R U ANGRY?" "SORRY LOL."

He stopped eventually.

A Hairy Incident

Submitted by Brad

Kim is in one of my art classes, and we were partners once on a group project. She always wears a blue/gray wool hat and sometimes does her hair in braids. She is really adorable, but she never seemed interested in anything beyond a platonic relationship with me.

So imagine my surprise when I found a large manila envelope under my dorm room door with "To Brad, from Kim," written on it.  She had drawn a heart between our names.

I opened it up and screamed.

Inside was a whole clump – a mess – a tangle – of hair.

I nearly fell over.  What was this all about?

Next class, I went up to Kim with the envelope and asked her to explain herself.

"It's hair," she informed me.

I told her that I had figured that out on my own, and asked her why she had left it.  She told me that she had daydreamed about doing it for weeks.  I asked her why she would cut off her hair for me, and she replied, "I wouldn't.  That wasn't my hair."

I asked her whose hair it was, and she said it was a hand-picked clump from a local salon.  "But," she went on, "I did add one or two hairs of my own.  I think I sneezed into it, too."

I haven't talked to her for most of the rest of the semester.  I'm afraid that other, less savory items might end up under my door.

Stuck in the Middle with You

Submitted by Emilia:

Mark and I met at a fraternity/sorority exchange and hit it off from the start. We hung out a few times and talked constantly, so when he asked me to be his date for a fraternity cocktail party, I said yes.  Boy, was that a bad idea.

The party was to start at 9PM. Mark called at 8:30 to tell me he was running late and would get me at 10. I was already dressed in a hot beaded dress I got for the occasion, so I just sat around… until 11. Mark arrived wearing a hideous Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops.

We went to the cocktail, which was held at one of the brothers’ houses across town from my apartment. I didn’t know too many people there so I hung out with my date... until his best friends came and announced that it was time for them to get high.

Mark looked at me and said, “I gotta go.”

I told him that I didn't smoke and he said that he “thought so” but was going to do it so I could either go watch, or find something else to do.  I found another brother I had met and hung out with his group of friends until my date found me… over an hour later.

As the night went on, I got progressively more intoxicated so I let the smoking incident slide. At 3AM, everyone headed out. Mark was too drunk to take me home.

I asked him what the hell I was supposed to do since it was way too far to walk and I hadn’t planned on calling my friends to rescue me. He suggested that I wait for him to sober up enough to walk me home.

The other brother who I hung out with earlier was the sober driver for the night, so he gave me a ride home.

A week later, Mark called and asked if I’d want to be his date for a fraternity formal. I said I wasn’t going to risk getting stranded somewhere else.

Pig for Dinner

Submitted by Laura:

John was a chauvinist pig from the moment he picked me up.

"What, no skirt?" he remarked at my black dress pants, "I'm taking you out to dinner!"

"That's why I wore my dress pants," I informed him.

John worked as an appliance salesman at an electronics retailer.  He was obviously very proud of his work.

"I get calls from women all the time at work asking me how to work their toasters.  Their toasters, for crying out loud!  And don't get me started on the women who can't even operate a vacuum.  They call the man and he walks them through it, every time."

I thought that he was joking around.  In today's day, was it truly this possible for a guy to be so clueless and conceited?

At dinner, he was clearly checking out the waitress.  I called him on it.  "See anything you like?"

He rolled his eyes, shook his head, and reached across the table.  "Relax, baby," he said.  I didn't take his hand and he said, "Hello?  I'm reaching my hand out to you, here."

"I see it.  I think I'm okay for now."

Our meals arrived.  He checked out the waitress again, but more blatantly than before.  Ooh, that's teaching me for not taking your hand!

I don't like chauvinists, or just guys who act like little boys, so a crazy idea popped into my head.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom and found our waitress around the corner.  I explained to her that I was on an awful, uncomfortable date, and that I could use her help.  So we came up with a plan.

The next time, when she came by to take our plates, she turned away from the table with them.  John leered after her, and she instantly turned around, catching him in the act.  She said, "Shouldn't you be more interested in your date's ass than mine?"

I stood up and said, "Oh my god, this is so embarrassing... I can't."

I went to leave the restaurant, and John was right behind me.  "Hey," he said, "You don't just go leaving me at a table by myself!"

I said, "Uh, yes I do!  Goodbye!" and I walked as fast as I could away from him.

Dirty, Dirty Laundry

Submitted by Jeremy:

On my way to my first date with Janet, she called to ask if I could pick up her laundry from a laundromat that was on the way.  She said that it would save her a lot of time and that she'd really, really appreciate it.

I thought that it was a strange thing to ask a guy you don't really know... you'd want me touching your laundry?  And we're not married and you're already asking me to run errands for you?  Well, fine.  I want the date to go well, and it was on my way, after all.

She had told me which dryer was hers.  I found it and emptied it as quickly as possible.  Once I had bagged it up, I threw it into the back seat of my car and drove to her place.

She gave me a great big hug and a thank you.  She opened the bag.

"This isn't my laundry."

Crap.  "You told me machine seven."

"I told you machine six."

"I'm pretty sure you told me seven."

"How could you get six and seven confused?  Are you a fucking idiot?  This isn't my goddamn laundry!"

She threw a clump of some stranger's socks in my face.

I shouted, "Fine!  Then return it yourself!" and left.

On my way out, she called.  "You get the fuck back here right now!  I am NOT going to be alone with some stranger's clothes."

I hung up.  I hope that those stranger's clothes gave her hours and hours of discomfort.

Don't Upset the Farmers

Submitted by Roberta:

I was at a farmers' market with Rick (first date).  He broke a banana off of a nearby bunch and put it down between his legs.  He asked me to "check it out."

At first, I smiled and shook my head, but he kept doing it.  We passed by a yellow squash display, and he took one and held that between his legs, then again with a zucchini.

I told him that I got it - his penis was a vegetable.  He said, "No, baby, it's all 100% meat."

He reached for some other wang-shaped item, I forgot which, when the vendor yelled at him to stop messing around with his produce if he wasn't going to buy it!

Rick shouted that he was testing it out to see how firm it was, and for some reason this made the vendor really, really angry.  He shouted some obscenities at Rick and Rick and I walked away to another vendor's stall further down.

When we made it there, Rick proceeded to use more vegetables as penises and then took some cantaloupes to use as breasts.  He put the cantaloupes down and tried to pick up two watermelons but dropped one and nearly dropped the other.

He got into a fight with the vendor over whether or not he had to pay for the dropped one, but he eventually did.  He bad-mouthed the vendor for the rest of the time and then got all touchy-feely with me.

I told him that I had plans and that it was nice spending time with him.  That was the end of that.

The Problem with an Honest Guy

Submitted by Vicky:

Ben practically inhaled his hummus wrap and then seemed upset that I hadn't finished my dinner in the same less-than-a-minute time.

I asked him what the hurry was, and he said, "I have work early tomorrow, and I want to maximize our bedroom time."

On the plus side, he offered to drive me home.

Once a Cheater...

Submitted by Chris:

Elizabeth and I were bowling and drinking a few beers.  She kept the score.  She won the first set and I challenged her to a rematch.

Astoundingly, I bowled two strikes in a row and she still barely beat me.

Or so she said.

I looked at the scorecard and it all added up.  Still, something wasn't right.  I challenged her to a third and final match, but she wasn't into the idea.  The more I went over it in my head, the more I wondered if she had messed with the tallies.  Still, I just didn't remember how she actually did in each set, so I had nothing to call her on.

The next time we went out, we did mini-golf.  This time, I watched her, and sure enough, she cheated!  When I looked at the final scorecard, she had herself beating me by four strokes.  I memorized how she did in the first few holes, and there was a lower score in almost each box.

So I called her on it, and she started yelling at me!  She was all, "It's just a game!  Why do you even care?"

I turned it around and said, "If it's just a game, then why do you care enough to cheat?"

She screamed, "I just like to win!  It's my thing!"

I screamed back, "Well my thing is, cheaters can suck it!"

It felt really good to say, but it was a really awkward ride home.

The Ultimate Mood-Killer

Submitted by Ethan:

Where to begin with Cynthia...

We met on the Internet and seemed to have enough in common to warrant an offline meeting.  I took her out to dinner, and, to say that I learned every detail about her past relationships would be an understatement.  Here are some actual gems from that conversation:

"A week after Tim and I broke up, I was over at my friend Jack's house.  We were watching a movie on his couch, and the next thing I knew, we were making out six ways to Sunday."

"I hooked up with some random guy at my aunt's second wedding, only to find out that he was my cousin, but I swear he was only related through marriage..."

"Have you ever fooled around on a waterbed?  My ex, Larry, had one."

I know enough about stories such as these to know that this was likely her way of screaming, "Guys find me attractive!"  Despite my growing discomfort, I kept this in mind.

That was, until:

"Can I pee on you?"

I hesitated, then joked, "Right now?"

"Seriously?  That would be so hot."  She was very obviously not joking.

Again, I tried for some nervous levity.  "But we haven't had dessert yet."

"Once we're done.  In the bathroom."  She smiled at me, likely already imagining her vaginal warmth running down my leg.

I don't have a problem with how people get their freak on, but there are certain things that don't do it for me.  Men, gerbils up asses, peeing, take your pick.

I said that I wasn't too comfortable with the idea, although I was flattered that she wanted to turn me into her own personal hydrant.  She seemed disappointed, but I figured that I could thenceforth brag to my buddies that I went out with a girl and was not peed on once.

We went to a bar after dinner, and then ended up back at my place, where I, like apparently hundreds of guys before me, made out with her.

She slid on top of me and ground against my leg.  Her hands curled around my shoulders and her kisses were intensely deep and passionate.  Wow.  This was really terrific.

Holy God.  What's that sudden warm, wet, urine-like sensation on my right leg?

MOTHERFUCKER!

I sat up in an instant.  My pants leg was stained and soaked by the gallon, her black pants were pulled down, and her crotch glistened with wetness (not the good kind).

I stood up and yanked my pants off.  I yelled, "I did NOT want to be peed on!  This is fucking gross!"

She gave me a look and said, "What's the big deal?"

"I DON'T FREAKING LIKE BEING PEED ON!"

That was a mood-killer.  And a date-killer.

I'll Make Up Your Mind

Submitted by Trevor:

This wasn't a first date. It was a last date after over a month of dates.

Michelle and I had kissed once, on our third date, and thereafter she became very reserved. She wouldn't write to me as often, she wouldn't be as bubbly as she had once been, and she didn't seem to like spending time around me as much as she did at first.

I took her out to see Up, and afterward took her to an ice cream place. While we were sitting down, I asked her what was going on.

She said that she didn't feel right since I had kissed her, and that I had moved too quickly.

I said, "Why didn't you let me know earlier? Like shortly afterward?"

"I don't know. Why did you have to kiss me, anyway? It could've just been a hug. Kisses mean something. They're biological."

I said, "It felt right at the time, for me."

She countered, "Well, I've been going through hell ever since. You didn't have to kiss me. It could have been a hug. Do you agree?"

"No. If I wanted to hug you, I would have hugged you. You were just very attractive to me in that moment and it felt like the right thing to do. If I hurt you, then I apologize."

She said, "I don't want you kissing me again."

I said, "Okay. So we're done, then?"

"No.  I still want to date you.  I think."

I groaned. What was this all about? I can't see myself in a long-term relationship with someone who never wants to kiss me, and especially someone who doesn't know if she wants to also be in a long-term relationship. Maybe I'm superficial, and if so, then so be it. I need physical intimacy every now and again.

I said, "So how do you see this going?"

"I don't know. I just don't know."

If she needed time to work herself out, then that's fine. I just don't like being strung along, and I like women who have themselves figured out. Sorry. So I said, "Let's just be friends."

"I've slept with three guys this past month," she blurted.

I wasn't one of those three guys, so I said, "Well, then I think we have our answer."

She reached across the table for me and said, "But I really like you. I just... We should stay together.  I don't know."

"Well, I do. Let's just stay friends."

She seemed okay with that, but I haven't spoken to her in months. Why get myself sucked back into all that?

Never Let You Go

Submitted by James:

It was small talk with Christina at Starbucks until she told me that she still wasn't over her last boyfriend.

I told her, "That's fine.  We can still be friends."

She told me, "He really hurt me a lot."

I told her, "It's okay.  Take your time to get over it."

"I mean, I didn't notice until too late that it was all give, give, give on my part and nothing, nothing, nothing on his."

She went on for a good half-hour or so and didn't let up, even after we had left Starbucks to take a walk.  I'm all for getting things off of your chest, but that's not what I signed up for.  I thought this was going to be a date.

"I mean, he said he liked it when I grew my hair out, then complained that it was too long..."

It was okay.  As long as I was there, I suppose it was up to me to make her feel a little bit better, a little bit more secure.

"I'd offer to give him a massage, and he'd look at me like I was crazy.  I was just trying to be nice..."

We walked through a park at the end of town.  I let her keep talking and get everything that she wanted to off of her chest.

"He forgot my birthday, but I planned a really nice surprise party for his..."

Finally, I told her, "He sounds like a real asshole.  You deserve better."

She told me, "I know that he can be better.  This is probably just a phase.  I'm sure that he and I will get back together."

"Oh.  Even though everything he did made you feel bad?"

She snapped, "How would you know?  You weren't there!  I'm going to call him right now, actually.  I've been holding off, but you know what... I just... I can't..."

She pulled out her phone and dialed him up.  It must've gone to voicemail, because she just stood there talking.  "Hey Ben, it's Christina.  I really, really, really want to talk to you.  I know that we said we wouldn't call each other, but I just feel so bad and I want to fix things.  I know that we can.  We've been through so much and I don't want to throw it all away..."

She kept going.  I told her, "Uh... I'm just going to head off, then."

She nodded and waved, but kept on with her one-sided conversation.  Sad.

It Would Have Been a Better Date if You Didn't Show Up

Submitted by Jayna:

Eric and I were all set to go out together when he called me up and said that he had to cancel.  It was really last minute.  I had already started getting ready.  We arranged for another time to meet up later in the week.

I was getting ready for that next date when he called me up, apologizing that he would have to cancel again.  I asked him if he was sure that he wanted to go out with me, and that I wouldn't be insulted if he didn't.  He insisted that he wanted to and listed several serious-sounding reasons about why he couldn't make it out.

The third time we arranged to meet, he didn't call to cancel, and I showed up to the coffee shop on time.

He came in almost a half-hour late, and he said that a last-minute emergency made him late.  He bought me coffee and asked if I wanted to go back to his place.

Before I could answer, he started going on about how hard it is to raise a family in today's America, said some very nasty things about Obama, and did a lot of angry twitching.

Finally, when he asked me again if I'd come back to his place, I told him no.  He asked, "Well what the hell did I come all the way out here for?"  He lived five minutes away.

I told him that I didn't know, and he said that he didn't know either.  He left after saying some nasty things about his boss, and that was the end of our "date."

Mr. Manipulation Meets His Match

Submitted by Anna:

Carl picked a pretty nice restaurant for our first date.  He seemed nice and friendly enough, being a junior associate in a tax services office.

When the check came, he didn't go for his wallet.  I took mine out and asked, "Do you want to split this?"

He said, "Actually, I don't really have much on me, and I left my cards at home.  Would you mind covering it, and I'll pay the next time?"

Whoa now.  First off, it's really a shameful thing to ask me out to dinner and then assume that I'm picking up the entire thing.  Secondly, who says that there's going to be a next time?

Then, he asked, "Do you want to get dessert?"

I frowned at him.  "Will that also be my treat?"

He said, "Yeah, but I already told you that I'd pick it up next date."

"What if there isn't a next date?" I asked.

That caught him off guard, and I followed it up with, "And what if I don't have enough to cover this whole thing?"

For the first time, he seemed nervous.  He said, "Just use one of your cards."

I replied, "I don't have any cards.  I guess I left them at home, too."  This wasn't true, but I wasn't going to be taken advantage of.  This guy had asked me out, had KNOWN that he was going out to dinner, and he didn't bring any money?  What gives?

He asked, "Can't you just pay for it?  I'll hit an ATM once we're out of here and pay you back."

I said, "Why not go hit up an ATM now?  I can wait."

Carl threw down his napkin and left.

When he didn't come back for twenty minutes, I called the manager over, explained the situation, and said that I would be glad to pay for what I ate.  The manager was sympathetic, and I gave him Carl's number so that he could follow up on the unpaid portion of the meal.

Of course, I never heard from Carl again.  It's too bad.  I was really looking forward to that second date.  Asshole.

Hey, This Isn't What I Ordered

Submitted by Stacy:

The first time I ever tried Internet dating, I was naive enough to make a few mistakes, one of those being not getting a photo before agreeing to meet.

I had emailed back and forth with Henry for a while and he seemed really nice and eager to meet me. So, being flattered, I agreed. He said he didn't have a photo, but described himself as 6'1", about 185lbs, with dark hair and "funky Drew Carey glasses."

Physical attraction may not be the most important aspect of a person, but it still has to be present for there to be chemistry. Given his description of himself, I was interested. I also described myself to him.

We agreed to meet at a restaurant for coffee. I got there after him, and looked around for the tall guy with dark hair and funky glasses. In his place, was a guy who was a good 100 pounds heavier than he'd said he was. He even had those fat-guy droopy pants. You know the ones that don't fit quite right so they have to wear them under their belly, making the seat of them droop?

He blurted that he had already been there for a half hour and had smoked a joint outside because he was nervous. That's ok, I'm fine with a moderate amount of recreational marijuana use, so I let it go, thinking it odd nonetheless.

Then he started asking me what kind of panties I was wearing and if I was horny. I was also lucky enough to hear about his estranged wife who had recently had their child, his failure as a used car salesman and how he was struggling to make ends meet.

So I count that date as being the one that taught me a few lessons about mistakes I never repeated again.

When Nice Isn't Good

Submitted by John:

Cathy seemed nervous from the first moment that I picked her up.  She has a weird smile on her face that didn't seem natural, and she just seemed a little too excited about the date.

We went out to dinner and hit up a diner afterward for dessert.  She was obviously trying really hard to be agreeable.  I'd say something like, "Movies today are pretty bad," and she'd reply, "I know, right!  What's happened to Hollywood?"

I'd say something like, "My favorite season is autumn," and she'd say, "Mine too!  I love it when the leaves change."

I'd say something like, "My favorite author is Robert Heinlein," and she'd say, "I love him!"

Sure, it's possible for two people to have a LOT in common, but these were maybe three examples out of a dozen or more.  I'd even ask her for HER opinions on things, and she'd say something like, "Oh, I like all music in general," or "I like all sports in general."

From my point of view, it looked like she was way too anxious to please me.  After the diner we took a walk.  I wondered if my concerns were something to bring up to her, but as it turned out, she brought them up herself after we sat down on a bench.

She said, "I haven't been on a date in a while.  I forgot how stressful they can be.  Do you think you'll want a second date?"

I told her, "I don't know.  You seem really nice, and so we'll see."

She said pleadingly, "But not nice enough for a second date?  I can be nicer.  Just tell me what you want me to do and I can do it."

I felt really bad, since she was really anxious to please, but she was also obviously desperate.  I told her, "Let's just see how things go."

She said, "Can I have an answer?"

I said, "No."  She groaned and slid away from me on the bench.

I didn't end up calling her afterward.  Her desperation was just a turn-off.

She sent me about two months of text messages before she got the point.

Throw This One Back

Submitted by Elle:

Jason offered to take me fishing for our first date.  I had never been fishing before, but I thought it was unusual enough as a first date activity to give it a go.

We met up at a river outside of town and he taught me the basics.  "You should've worn better boots," he warned me, "Your feet are going to get soaking wet."

I shrugged.  "My feet get soaking wet in the shower each day."

"Well this is a river, not a shower," he said, as he went on to teach me something else.  It was a nasty remark, but I thought that maybe he was just joking.  Besides, what could I do about it at this point?  I couldn't go change my boots.

He showed me the reel apparatus and taught me some techniques and soon we were standing and fishing. He wasn't shy about correcting my technique and stance almost constantly.

However, when I caught a shad, our biggest catch of the day, he shut up.

I tried not to make him feel bad.  I said something like, "See?  Your techniques work!" but he seemed to take my catch personally and didn't say much for the rest of the date, which was probably far longer than it should have been, as he seemed hell bent on catching something bigger, which he never did.

One Ring to Rule Them All

Submitted by Justin:

Tina and I were out at dinner on our date and I noticed a wedding ring on her finger.  I asked about it and she said that she wasn't married and that it was her grandmother's.

She was really flirty through dinner and afterward she took my arm and asked if we were going back to my place.  Okay, sure.

We went inside and she started kissing me and it was awesome.  We made it to my bed and clothes started coming off.

Her phone rang.  She ignored it.  It rang again.  She put it on silent.

I joked, "Jesus, that your husband or something?"

She stopped being sexual and sat up.  She said, "I have a confession to make: I'm married."

I told her that she needed to leave, and she asked to stay a little longer to collect her thoughts.  I told her that she could do that, but then she had to leave.  So she left.

I realized that if I didn't joke around about her husband, she probably would have gone all the way, but I'm glad that we didn't.

A Good Date? Scratch That.

I took Samantha out to dinner at an Indian place for our first date.  She was tall, wide-eyed, and a bit jittery, as if a slow pulse of electricity was steadily coursing through her.

At dinner, she would answer my questions by talking down towards her fork, and she barely picked at her delicious tandoori chicken.  Clearly, something was the matter.

"Samantha," I asked, "What's the matter?"

She looked up at me slowly.  "I'm sorry.  I just don't think I'm ready to date."

I leaned in.  "It's okay.  We can still have a good time.  Dinner's still on me."

She smiled at that, and opened up a bit more for the rest of the meal.

After dinner, we hit up a park.  As we walked, she asked, "Could you hold my hand?"

Why not?  Wow.  The grip on her.  Ooh.  Ow.  Okay.  Hey..!  What the–fingernails?  Agh!  Let go!

I ripped my hand away, now sporting three sharp scratch marks.

I yelled, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She stared at me, then looked down at herself as if she was slapped awake after being asleep for three days.  She trembled.

She said, "I'm sorry, I've just always wanted to do that."

I put up my hands and backed away.

"Okay then," I said, "Have a good night," and I walked away with all due speed.

Who Wants Some Cupcakes?

Submitted by Davlin:

Well Eddie... I was really excited about celebrating your 30th birthday with you last night. I even had chocolate cupcakes and candles! I told everybody to be at the bar.

As soon as you walked into the door and saw me at the jukebox, you tried to put your hands up my skirt. I screamed and told you not to do that. You frowned and walked away.

I still tried to be nice to you. I led you over to the cupcakes that I made for your birthday. I got the bartender to announce the celebration. You did not smile or look amused at all. I even got everyone in the bar to sing you happy birthday.

BUT...

Instead of blowing out the candles... you decided that smashing them with your fist was a better option! I yelled for you to stop. Icing flew everywhere.

You eventually stopped after completely ruining everything.

I asked you nervously if you just didn't like cupcakes. You didn't answer me. I mean... I wouldn't have gone through the effort if you didn't like cupcakes. Oh wait... you TOLD me the day before just how much you loved cupcakes.

I handed you the one last cupcake free from complete destruction. You took it from me and planted it face down in an ashtray. Okay... no cupcakes for anyone.

Then you tried to wipe the icing all over me. I yelled again for you to stop. You then wiped it all over my bar stool and VERY LOUDLY said a bunch of really detailed things that you "wanted to do to me." I guessed that was your way of showing affection.

You then marched out the door. This all happened in the span of 10 minutes.

And then you called me the next morning in between classes and wondered why I had a cold tone of voice. Oh! I shouldn't have blamed you! Oh! I should have forgiven you? OH! You didn't remember!? Let me remind you...

And then you said, "Oh, my bad. I was on meth."

YOU WERE ON METH!?

Worst dating experience ever.

When Curiosity Fails

Submitted by Robert:

Leah and I were acquaintances from way back when. We had lost touch for years, but one day she called me out of the blue to catch up, and we arranged to meet.

I picked out a local coffee place and we had a very pleasant time at first.  Then, I casually asked if she was seeing anyone.

She asked, "What, you want to know if I'm available?"

I did, but I masked it with the standard, "Just curious."

She asked, "Did you think this was a date or something?"

I said, "No, of course not."

"Because it's not."

"Okay."

"It never would be.  Not with you.  Understand?"

This was starting to get insulting and I pressed her further.  "What's wrong with me?"

She said, "This was obviously a mistake.  Change of subject!"  We changed the subject and everything was fine until a conversational lull about ten minutes later.

Out of the blue, she said, "I would never go out with you.  Understand?  Never."

"What the hell is your problem?  Where is this coming from?" I asked her.

"I don't drink or smoke, either," she said.

"Okay," I replied.  I downed the rest of my coffee and ended the meeting as quickly as possible.

I have no idea what the problem was.  Did I really ask something wrong?  I don't think so, but maybe she once had a bad experience with a guy asking if she was seeing anyone.  I still have no clue about this.

Fire Is the Devil's Only Friend

Submitted by Jess:

My worst date had to be with Zack, the arsonist.  I didn't know he was an arsonist beforehand.  He didn't exactly mention it on his online profile.  But the boy was a certified fire starter.

He took me out to a hibachi grill, which was fun, and what's more is that he actually started out as a really cool guy.  We had some good conversations and a healthy amount of flirting.

After dinner he said that he wanted to take me to a secret spot that a fireman friend had shown him.  I told him that I wasn't too comfortable with the idea.  He said that it wouldn't take very long and that if I wanted to leave after we had arrived then we could.  Well, why not?  He was fun, and I was up for adventure.

He drove us out from the suburbs to a dead end street and parked at the end, by a treeline.  He said that we had to walk from there, but not too far.

Maybe about fifty feet off the road, he said, "There it is," and pointed to a house that I could barely see in the dark.  It was obviously abandoned, and was heavily overgrown.

Then he turned to me and kissed me, then pulled away and said, "Let's light it on fire!"

He ran for the house, but I thought he was just pulling a stunt or kidding around.  No.  From his jacket, he pulled out a large lighter and some other device that I didn't recognize and began holding it down, near some underbrush attached to the house.

"What are you doing?" I yelled, and he turned back and told me to shut up.  I told him that I wanted to go, but he ignored me.  He kept trying to light the house on fire, but the wind or his own ineptitude or my desperate prayers kept anything from catching.

After ten minutes I said, "It's cold, I'm not having fun, and I want to go now."

He shouted, "Fine!" and shoved his lighter and other thing back into his pockets.

He didn't say a word to me as he drove me home.  He dropped me off, I said, "Good night," and he drove away.  I wondered if he was on his way back to that old house.  Either way, I wasn't interested enough to find out, even after he called me over the next week to arrange another meet-up.  No thank you.

Insert Coin to Date Again

Submitted by Steve:

It was Josie's idea to hit up an arcade.  I hadn't been to one in years, and I really liked the idea.  We were supposed to go for an hour and then go to dinner.

I did some Dance Dance Revolution and a hunting game.  When I turned around when I was done, Josie wasn't there.  It was cool, as I figured that she went off to play something else.

I found her next to another guy at a Simpsons arcade game, the one where Smithers kidnaps Maggie.  Josie told me that she had been obsessed with the game when she was younger, and that it was her dream to beat Mr. Burns at the end.

The guy playing next to her said, "I've got all night if you do."

I said, "We haven't got all night," but Josie said nothing to this and kept playing and feeding in quarters and playing some more.  I joined in for a few cycles, but became bored after a bit.

It had to have been close to an hour later.  Josie hadn't said a word to me, she was still playing The Simpsons next to that other guy, and I had taken to walking up and down the aisles, playing the occasional game, but becoming hungrier and hungrier.

Finally, I went up to her and asked her when she thought she'd be done.  The guy next to her said, "Dude, we're on a date.  Piss off."

She didn't say ANYTHING to that, but I felt that I had to.  "No, WE'RE on a date," I said to him, meaning Josie and I.  I turned to her and she glanced at me.

She said, "Hey.  What time is it?"

I told her and she said, "Really?  I lost track of time.  Let me just beat Mr. Burns and then we'll head out."

She was done after another long time, but I had already checked out of wanting to have another date.

Valentine's Day Massacre

Submitted by Brittany:

It was Valentine's Day weekend and my boyfriend of almost a year was supposed to come visit me. He decided he wasn't going to, and of course I was upset. I decided to spend the night out with the girls.

I would have had a great time if my entire night wasn't spent on the phone with him. He was not happy that I was out, so he sent text after text and call after call. Did I mention most of these texts/calls involved accusations of me being in bed with another guy?

Now, I have never ever had thoughts about cheating. You'd think after a year he would know this. Apparently not, because he made me feel so bad, that I ended my night early and went home crying.

The next morning (Valentine's Day), I awoke to two text messages. "Who the fuck did you hook up with last night?" and "I know you're in bed with someone and that's not why you're answering your phone!" This led to an entire day of fighting. Literally.

Needless to say, we broke up a day or two after.  Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Gone Baby Gone

Submitted by Ben:

Kristen came across as shy at first, but once I found some interesting topics, she would be talkative. We met at a party and seemed to hit it off.

I asked her out to dinner at a Chinese place, and thought it would be nice to take a walk first. On our way there, we passed some street musicians. I was in the middle of a sentence when she suddenly broke away and started dancing to their banjo music.

I'm all for being fun and free-spirited, but this was a little rude. For now, I let it go.

After her 5-minute dance session, she returned to me, telling me how much fun it was. We continued on to dinner, and passed a store with pig heads hanging in the window. She ran to look at them, amazed.

When I caught up to her, she turned to me and said, "I love shit like this."

"Dismembered pigs?" I asked. She didn't answer.

We were very nearly at the restaurant, when we came upon a crowd of people, all yelling and cheering, but I couldn't see what it was all about. I turned to Kristen, but she had disappeared.

I looked through the crowd and even called out for her, but she was nowhere to be seen. I walked a block away and tried her phone. No answer.

I kept looking for her, probably for another forty minutes, but she was gone.

Keep it in the Stables, Partner

Submitted by Danielle:

I met Donnie at a local theme park. He seemed sweet and was cute. We exchanged numbers, but when we talked on the phone, it usually consisted of him talking, me listening, and then me having to get off the phone. I stopped being as interested, but after much persistence on his part, I agreed to go out with him on a date.

On our way to the movie, like our phone conversations, it was more him talking about himself, and me listening. (I've never met a man who talked SO much!) It seemed that every story he told had to do with him getting picked on as an adolescent, or getting into fights with friends of his that were his age, which was early twenties, I believe.

He also was showing off this new tattoo he had gotten, of Italy, with it filled in with the Italian flag colors. He kept applying the "tattoo goo" which made him (and my car) small of Vicks VapoRub. He talked about how he was so strong, and was working out all of the time so that he can be stronger.

He also stated that he was an "Italian Stallion" and asked if I would like to see later for myself.  I put on some music to make the situation a little smoother.

The movie went fine, and afterward, I decided to show him a favorite spot of mine to do a little stargazing. As we were standing and watching the sky, he leaned in to kiss me. I kissed back, but only slightly, and it turned out to be more of a peck.  He leaned in for more. I told him that I must be going as it was getting late, and got back into the car to drive back.

After two weeks of literally ignoring his phone calls, and not calling him back did he finally get the picture. I should have just told him I wasn't interested, but at the time I wasn't sure how he would have handled it. Much to my surprise, he actually did call me about six months of not talking, only to have me reject him once more.

Even St. Valentine Had a Better Valentine's Day

Submitted by BT:

Kathleen came to my house on Valentine's Day and suggested that we go get dinner and see a movie.

 

After an hour of going from restaurant to restaurant, finding all of them full, we settled on the least romantic option ever: Burger King. From there we went straight to the movies where she picked what we were going to see. It was a long movie - so long that it had an intermission.

 

About 10 minutes after we came back after the intermission, we were back in our seats, the movie was playing, and  I  could hear her sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, and she said it was too much for her to take. She wanted to leave, but I wanted to see the end of this flick - having invested about 2 hours into it already I wanted to see how it turned out.

She cried for nearly the remainder of the movie. Amazingly we stayed together for about another year. Oh yeah, the movie?  Schindler's List.

A Bad Case of the Dates: Comic Issue #4

You Can Take the Girl Out of College...

Submitted by Nicholas:

I had a feeling that my date with Andrea wouldn't go well after she asked me why I used punctuation and capitalization in my instant messages.  She seemed good at making conversation as long as it was all about her.  I'd tell her information about myself and she didn't seem curious at all about me beyond the superficial.

Maybe that was just how she came across online.

Nope!

We sat down and she started talking about her crazy college life.  For a solid hour.  I mean, non-stop.  Did I mention that she had been out of college for six years?

Whenever I'd try to cut in, she would interrupt with something like, "...but at a party this one time, you're not going to believe it, but my roommate's friend's cousin actually hooked up with the captain of the soccer team!"

I tried to change the subject.  Really, I did.  I told her about what I do for a living, what I like to do for fun, and even, yes, a bit about my own college life.

She'd answer my attempts at conversation with, "Wow, that sounds fun," or something similarly perfunctory.

The real excitement, though, didn't begin until after dinner.  That's when she started accusing me of being a negative person and that I wouldn't be happy until I dragged everyone else down with my negativity.

I couldn't think of one example of me being negative from the entire night, and I told her so.  I asked her, front and center, "When have I been negative tonight?  Name one example."

She just said, "Just in general.  You seem really negative."

"Give me an example."

"See?  There you go!  Being negative again!"

I couldn't wait to never, ever speak to her again.

Onions: Good to Read, Worse to Date

Submitted by Deana:

My worst date ever was my one-year anniversary with my first boyfriend. I was 17 and he was 19, and being young and poor we decided to go to the Art Institute (I think it was free day) and follow it up with medium-nice Italian dinner.

The date started out fine (he hadn't showered in a while and he was late, but I was used to that). As we were leaving the museum, a woman came up to us on the big steps by the lions, waving a copy of the Onion.

She tried to sell it to me, claiming that the money was going to a women's shelter. Knowing that anyone actually raising money for a shelter would have some kind of ID, I declined, so she turned to my date.

As the woman hustled my boyfriend, I knew what she was doing, but I:

a) felt like an asshole refusing to give a homeless woman money and then telling my date to blow her off right in front of her, and
b) figured he'd be mad if I pointed it out.

Flustered, he said all he had was a ten-dollar bill, and could he please have change? The woman agreed, but as soon as the bill was in her hand she wouldn't stop talking about how the money was going to a good cause, etc. etc., until my date gave up and she left with his $10.

When she left, I said, "You know the Onion is a free paper, right?" and pointed to the metal dispenser thing down on the sidewalk, filled with free Onions, where she'd likely gotten the paper.

He got so mad at his own lack of street smarts that he stomped away, all pouty, leaving me to follow blocks behind him, and wouldn't talk to me on the whole train ride to the restaurant. I was THIS CLOSE to ducking down a cross street and going home, ditching him and the dinner, but I chickened out.

Shame, too. I dated him for another six months after that. At least he taught me about standards.

Friends Without Benefits

Submitted by Daniel:

Marissa and I were friends in high school and I was always attracted to her, but I never acted on it and when we started college we lost touch.

We got reacquainted at a mutual friend's party back home and I asked her out.  She was really affectionate to me all throughout dinner and it was easy to see that she liked me.

After dinner, we went for a walk and at one point she asked me something like, "How is it that you're still single?"

I asked her the same thing and she said, "Well, I'm actually seeing a guy back at school."

I asked her, "Is it an exclusive thing?" and she gave a slow nod.

I was about to say that, as I had been cheated on in the past, I wasn't interested in potentially helping someone else cheat. Although I was tempted to.

She cut me off by telling me that she really wanted to sleep with me.  Then, she started crying.

I held her and told her that it was all okay. Then she said that her boyfriend had given her warts.

I told her that I'd really prefer to just stay friends after hearing that.

A Piercing Pizza Adventure

Submitted by Lila:

Richard approached me in a coffee shop and asked me out. I'm a little on the shy side and don't usually agree to go out with complete strangers, but he seemed nice, so I agreed. We decided to meet back at the same coffee shop, but as soon as I arrived, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

I had assumed we would just get some coffee and get to know each other, and tried to explain as much, but he excitedly said that he had a better idea. When I asked what he had in mind, he said it would be a surprise.

We got in his car (yes, I know how ridiculously stupid I was for taking a ride with a stranger) and drove for almost 45 minutes before parking in front of a tattoo and piercing shop in a bad part of town.

"This is where we're going?" I asked, feeling increasingly nervous about his plans for the evening.

"Yeah! I'm going to get my tongue pierced. Isn't that sexy?"

I know that some people adore piercings, but I'm not one of them. I politely told him that I didn't really want to watch him have his tongue impaled with a piece of metal and suggested that maybe we could just go get dinner.

"No!" He said happily, "This is going to be great. Anyway, since you agreed to have sex with me, this will make it better!"

I had never even mentioned sex to him, much less agreed that we do it, so I just tagged along behind him mutely, completely confused, as he raced inside.

After he got his tongue pierced, he offered to take me out for pizza as if he was doing me some huge favor. As he seemed to be in tremendous pain, I asked if he was actually able to eat. He assured me that he'd be fine.

After our food arrived, he began eating as if he hadn't had food in months, but his tongue was clearly causing him pain. I suggested that maybe he should get a milkshake instead of pizza and he shot me an angry glare. I decided to quit offering advice.

When he finally started crying over the pain, I excused myself and called a friend to pick me up and take me home. When I told him I was leaving, he said that it was fine with him as his girlfriend would be expecting him home soon.

Taking Flight to Madness

Submitted by Dawn:

Corey seemed like a really nice guy online. It was my second time meeting someone from the Internet. He was a part-time actor, part-time student, and a full-time retail worker. Seemed nice, secure, and most importantly, normal.

We met up at a nice restaurant for dinner, American fare. He was a pretty good conversationalist. The fact that he was unable to maintain eye contact for more than a second was a bit distracting, but maybe he was nervous. It was okay. I was, too.

After some pleasant small talk, he asked me the strangest thing: "Have you ever taken flight?"

I wasn't sure what he meant and replied, "Like in an airplane?"

He said, "No. I was almost sure that you were one of us. Take flight. You know?"

The next thing I thought of was drugs, which I'm not into. I asked him, "Like getting high?"

"No! Taking flight! Taking flight!"

I said, "I have no idea what you're talking about! What are you talking about, anyway?"

He smiled and said, "Nevermind."

The rest of dinner was a bit awkward. After dinner, we went on a walk around town, looking for a coffee shop or bakery.

He stopped walking at one point and stared straight ahead, like he was looking at something far in front of us.

"Holy shit," he said.

"What?" I asked.

He replied, "It's time to take flight," then turned to me and said, "Take flight."

He spread his arms and took off, at a run, across the street. He didn't come back. I tried calling him, but he let it go to voicemail.

My theory was that he wasn't having a good time on the date and acted like an idiot to end it.

This theory didn't hold, though, when he called me at two in the morning. "Hey, where'd you go? I've been looking for you..."

Something Else is Flawed, Here

Submitted by David:

My second date with Julia, we had a nice, big argument downtown, as we walked into a park.

We were on the topic of women, and I suggested to her that there shouldn't be a stigma if a woman chose to be a housewife.  Julia, though, thought differently:

"Women haven't made it this far just to be housewives.  Your logic is flawed."

I retorted, "I didn't say that.  I said that if a woman chose to be a housewife, then I don't think that there's anything wrong with that."

"Your logic is flawed.  What woman chooses to be a housewife?  There's always something that forces her into the situation."

"I don't think that's true.  I'm sure that many women choose to stay home.  And more power to them, if that's what they want.  Hell, some men would probably rather stay at home."

"Again, your logic is flawed.  Name a woman who has chosen to be a housewife without any pressure.  Without any flawed logic."

I thought.  "Um... I don't know.  My friend Kelly is a stay-at-home mom.  She loves it."

"Again, flawed logic.  If she changes her mind and wants to work out of the house, she can just drop the housewife-ing and do it?"

"I think so."

"I don't.  Your logic is flawed."

"Why do you keep repeating that?  Your repetition of 'your logic is flawed' is flawed.  Stop it."

"But your logic is flawed."

"Your logic is flawed.  How about that?"

She smiled.  "I think I won this argument."

I said, "Bullshit.  You don't win an argument by stating your opinion and repeating the same phrase over and over again.  I've come the closest between us to providing a concrete example.  You've just said, 'your logic is flawed,' 'your logic is flawed,' 'your logic is flawed,' fifty times.  You have nothing."

She was quiet for a little while, then stopped walking and said, "I don't think this is going to work."

For once, some sound logic.

Even Science Can't Help You

Submitted by Elizabeth:

Eric was a blind date.  He brought me to a bar.

He kicked back half a dozen shots before he asked me if I wanted to go back to my place.  I declined, and then he asked me if I wanted to see where he worked.  He was an engineer and for some reason, I thought, "Hey, why not see the inside of a lab?  I can probably take him down if he tries anything," and so we went out to my car, as he was far too gone to do any of his own driving.

We made it into his lab, he flashed his ID at a side door, and in we went.

Upon entering the half-lit hallway, he, predictably, couldn't contain himself any longer, pressed me to the wall, and began kissing me.  I said, "Wait until we get to the lab.  It'll be so much hotter in there."

He gave me a look that told me that he was all over the idea.  He turned and continued down the hall.  I thought about running at that moment, but realized that he could likely catch up, so I followed him to the darkened lab area.  I asked him where the bathroom was.  He gave me slurred directions and I told him that I'd be right back.

I left the building the same way that I came in, went into my car, and left.  I know that I was lucky, especially given that I never heard from him again.

Gunning for Trouble

Submitted by Kimberly:

Ted was the first person I had ever met online and I was nervous about trying this new way of dating.

We met for lunch and I was relieved to see that he was cute and polite. We had a really good time, that is, until he told me that he didn't drink. His sobriety wasn't a problem for me but when I asked him why, he said, "Well, I am a police officer and I carry a firearm at all times. I don't think its a very good idea to be drunk whilst carrying a loaded weapon."

Me: "Erm... are you carrying a firearm right now?"

Ted: "Of course"

Awkward, awkward silence as I began to realize that my fear of being killed on an internet date wasn't so irrational after all. However, the rest of the date was fine and I naively decided his excuse was a resonable one. I agreed to go out with him again.

Five minutes before we were supposed to meet for the second time I received a text message"

"Hey, is it cool with you if I am seeing other women or does a second date mean that we are exclusive in your eyes? P.S. I'm looking for parking should be there in a minute."

When he showed up, I asked him about the text.  He said, "Well yeah, I was out with this great girl earlier and things were going really well. Then I told her I was going out with you later and she totally freaked out! Can you believe that?"

Me: "Wait, this was earlier today?"

Ted: "Yeah, this afternoon.  We were having a great time at a movie and then she totally freaked about my plans with you tonight. I hope you don't freak out like that."

Two strikes.  He's out.

With Dates Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Submitted by John:

Jess was a classmate of mine in English.  We'd borrow each other's notes and engaged in regular small talk.  I liked her, so I asked her out to a local sandwich and coffee place.

I guess I really didn't know her that well.

I ordered a chicken sandwich and she said, "Ugh."  I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Chicken is gross."

Okay, well sorry about that.  She ordered something with tomatoes and sprouts and we sat down.

"What do you like to do for fun?" she asked.

I told her, "I like swimming, dancing, writing..."

"Are you any good at any of those?" she asked.

I asked her what she meant.  She said, "You look like... I don't know.  You don't look really mobile."

"Mobile?"

"Agile, I guess."

I'm 5' 11" and weigh 160 pounds.  I'm not sure how much gawkier I could have been.  I asked her, "Do you think I'm fat?"

"Maybe a little."

Hmmm.  I've been called many things, but fat isn't usually one of them.  Well, no matter, because then she said, "You don't have much luck with women, do you?"

"What?"

"Am I like the first girl you've asked out?"

I was at a loss for words.  She jumped right in with, "Clearly, I am."

I don't know what her problem was, and the rest of our short meal was filled with similar words.  She said, "You should try wearing some deodorant," "Do you really brush your teeth twice a day?" and "A comb could do wonders for your hair."  I'm really pretty sure that I looked and smelled fine.

I wasn't sure if it was a date or Monty Python's argument clinic.  Either way, I was fed up and done with her.

Beaming Down

Submitted by Lauren:

I have a passing interest in sci-fi.  Elliot took me to a big convention for a date, which I felt was unusual, but also a little dangerous for a first-time date.

The first thing he did when we arrived was scream, "Oh my God! [INSERT NAME OF STARGATE ACTOR WHO I DON'T KNOW]'s here! I had no idea!"

Someone walked by and told us that he was signing autographs as we spoke, so Elliot jumped on the back of the line, which was nearly wrapped around the venue.

"This might take a little while," he said, and grinned at me. I waited with him for a little bit, then asked him if I could go take a quick walk around.

He said, "Okay, but don't go too far."

On my walk, I saw the usual troop of costumed folks, various vendors, and sci-fi themed activities. There were some B-celebrities, sitting almost alone at tables, and I laughed at them.

Someone tapped my shoulder. It was Elliot.

He asked, "Where were you? I was looking everywhere for you."

I told him that I had just been walking around and I asked him if he had grabbed the autograph that he had wanted.

He told me that he didn't because he missed me too much to keep waiting on line.

Then, he began singing a sci-fi theme right in my face. I didn't recognize it, but it went something like, "Da da da na NA NA da, da da na da na da..."

Aside from that, he ignored me for most of the rest of the date, except when he would turn to me with the occasional, "This is so cool!" or "Da na DA DA na DA!"

I even ended up with a couple of B-level autographs, so I guess I had fun at the convention. Just not really with him.

Must Have Been a Good Film

Submitted by Allison:

I was at the movies on a first date with Dave.  He went to hold my hand, which I felt was a bit forward, but I didn't stop him.

During the movie, he shifted around and moaned a little bit, but nothing too noticeable until–


OH MY GOD HIS OTHER HAND WAS IN HIS PANTS.

He was going at it a bit too long for it to be mere scratching.  I squeezed his hand.  He turned to me and I told him to stop it.  He said, "What?  My itchiness?"

"Stop touching yourself," I said.  He pulled his hand out of his pocket and we watched the rest of the movie.  He didn't mention anything about it and seemed perfectly fine for the rest of the date, but if you were sitting next to him, watching and listening, you'd know that what he was doing was pretty far from itching.


A Date with a Hummingbird

Submitted by Joseph:

I asked a girl out from the Internet (first mistake) and took her to a coffee place.

After five minutes, she said, "Let's take a walk," so we took a walk.

After a few minutes on the walk, she said, "Let's go for dinner," so we found a sit-down place.

After ordering an appetizer to share, she said, "Let's go somewhere else," and made as if to leave.  I told her that I was planning to stay for the appetizer at least.  She groaned but stuck around.  After we had eaten the appetizer and I had paid for it, we left.

"Let's walk down to the river," she said, so we walked down towards the river.

Almost there, she turned around and said, "Let's get some ice cream," so we went and got ice cream.

Then, she said, "Okay.  Now let's go to the river," so we walked towards the river.

Halfway there, she said, "I don't feel like going to the river anymore.  Let's go walk downtown again."

I asked her why she changed her mind so often.  She said, "I'm normally too much for guys to handle."  I didn't think that she was too much to handle, but I did find her extremely annoying.  I finished the date just fine, after she changed her mind a dozen more times about other things, and I didn't call her anymore.  Not my type.

Date Today, Gone Tomorrow

Submitted by Stan:

Shelly showed up to our date twenty minutes late.  We were going to do dinner and a rock show.  She looked upset all through dinner and I asked her what was wrong.  She told me that it was nothing.

Later, at the rock concert, she acted miserable the entire time, even though I asked her several times if she wanted to be there, or if she wanted to do something else.

I walked her back to her car and she gave me a big, heartfelt hug, like we were saying goodbye after the best date ever.  "I'll be in touch," she said.

Sure enough, she was.  The very next morning, she called to ask me if I wanted to go out again.  I told her that she didn't seem too happy the previous night, but she said that it had nothing to do with me.  I agreed to go out on another date with her.

This time at the meet-up place, she didn't show up at all, and I never heard from her again.  Weird.

Dinner and a Whipping

Submitted by Kim:

So I recently went to Chicago for a week long vacation and while I was there I met this guy one day when I was eating lunch, we can call him Frank.  He was really attractive and we had a good conversation while we ate so when he asked me if I would want to go out with him that night and let him show me around I agreed.

I met him at the train stop, and we walked to a blues/jazz bar down the street, we ordered drinks and food and everything was going great. Then he suggested we head to another bar... as soon as we walked in I looked over and some girl was chained up to the wall and another girl in all leather was whipping her.  Turns out it was dominatrix night at the fetish bar.  Now I am not prude, but for a first date?  And it doesn't end there...

We had a drink, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back I told him I wanted to leave.  He told me that when I was in the bathroom he had signed me up to be next to get chained up and whipped.  I ran as fast as I could out the door.

We ended up going to another place down the street and he got me a drink and then went off to smoke for 15 minutes and left me to talk with some other guys. When he came back he offered to come back to my hotel room with me.

I laughed and said no because I was sharing a room with other people and he told me to just come home with him then.

I said no again as I had to be back that night. At this point he got angry and asked if I was even planning on sleeping with him, I said no and that I was happy that we went on the date but that I never had any intention of having sex.

He started yelling even more, asking me "Why did I buy you dinner and drinks if we aren't even going to do anything?"  At this point I became very uncomfortable and told him.  He said that if I was so uncomfortable then I ought to leave.

I got up and left the bar, walked myself back to the train and while I was on the train, I got text messages from him telling me what a whore I am...

Date with a Dead Girl

Submitted by Kenneth:

Cindy and I traded messages on an online site and really seemed to hit it off.  She was a good conversationalist, a blond, and had a great smile, at least in her pictures.  I asked her if we could meet up sometime in the following week, and I didn't hear from her again.  I thought about writing another message, but didn't want to come across as obsessive, so I decided to move on.

Shortly after, I received a message from her.  It was very short and to the point.  "Hey.  Let's meet up.  Friday, 8 o'clock at Morgan's Bar," or something like that.  I wrote her back, "Is everything okay?" and she replied, "8 o'clock.  Morgan's," and that was it.  Not at all like her earlier messages.  Well, maybe she had a tough week.

Turns out, her week must have been far, far tougher than I would have otherwise imagined.

In contrast to the pretty, friendly girl I had come to "know" over the Internet, Cindy showed up with short black hair, a couple of new piercings, and an all-black wardrobe.  I have no problem with people who want to dress however they want, but I'd be lying if I said that I expected something this extreme.

I thought about pointing it out, but realized that it would be a stupid thing to do.  In any case, my shock must have been obvious, because she asked, "What?"

I told her that she looked good, although a bit different from what I had expected, but was quick to reassure her that this was okay.

She replied, "We all look the same when we're dead."

Wrong.  Patrick Swayze probably looked a hell of a lot different from how Israel Kamakawiwo'ole looked, but I digress.

We sat down and hit some small talk back and forth until I couldn't help but ask, "Cindy, you're a bit different from how you came across online.  What happened?"

She just shrugged off the question and said, "If you don't like the new me, then you don't have to.  But this is the new me."

As I wasn't too into her personality anymore, I didn't ask her out again.  I'm still damned curious to know how she turned from one person into another, apparently over the course of a week.

Any ideas?

Next Time, I'll Watch My Step

Submitted by Alan:

Lara and I went to a state fair for our first date. It seemed unusual and fun.

Of course, any state fair has a livestock exhibition, and there were plenty of horses. As we were walking, I accidentally stepped into a small mound of horse droppings.

Lara couldn't stop laughing, and I mean that. She turned from a sweet, good-natured girl into some sort of non-stop teasing machine. For over TWO HOURS after it happened, she couldn't stop laughing or talking about it, even after I had stopped laughing at it myself.

Whenever I'd try to change the subject, she'd say, "I can't believe you just walked right into horse shit! What were you thinking?" as if I had somehow planned to do it.

Walking back to our cars, it's all she kept talking and laughing about. I didn't even get a good chance to know her because most of our date was taken up by her talking about my walking into horse dung.

She called me that night to discuss it even further. I couldn't ask her on another date after that.

Not Quite a Model Date

Submitted by Christina:

I was a model (small time, mostly) and I used to be on subway and bus ads advertising a local college. It was a close up shot of me, at a desk, looking attentive as if listening to a lecture.

I had an online dating profile and sure enough, every now and again, someone would send me a message saying something like, "Hey, aren't you the girl from..." It really was a small-time gig, and really not much of a big deal.

Will was one of those who recognized me and asked me out. I liked the fact that he didn't make a big deal about it.

He took me out to a Chinese place and asked me a lot about my modeling career. We had a nice time at dinner and I thought that I was learning a lot about him as well.

After dinner, we went to another place for drinks and after we both had a couple, he offered to walk me home from the subway.

When we had made it most of the way back, he said, "Hey, come here," and guided me into an alleyway.

He kissed me and began feeling me up. I tried to push him away, but he held me tight. He said, "I can't believe it. I'm going to fuck a model."

No he wasn't. I kicked him hard and shoved at his face. He let go for a second and I ran down the sidewalk, ripping out my keys and jetting into my apartment building. I didn't even look to see if he was following me.

He sent me a long, rambling e-mail that basically boiled down to, "What's your problem?" as if he hadn't done anything wrong. I'm sure he'll figure it out someday, after a sexual assault conviction. But hopefully he'll figure it out before trying it on anybody else.

Thank You, May I Not Have Another?

Submitted by Mina:

Brad, who was a law student, messaged me online, and then made it seem like he was doing me the biggest favor by meeting up with me.

I wrote to him, "If you're too busy then don't worry about it."

He wrote back, "I suppose I will fit you in, despite having close to 100 hours of work to do this week."

Maybe he was just joking. After all, it's hard to figure out tone of voice online. Then again, his messages contained a lot of similar statements.

When we met up, I learned a lot about his favorite subject: himself. In fact, he told me more of his life story in two and a half hours than I think I would have told him in two and a half years. He didn't ask me a thing about myself, and when I volunteered information, he would find a way to bend it back to himself.

I said, "I visited India, too. I spent a month backpacking up and down."

He'd reply, "I may get involved with social justice work in India. One of my professors may get me an internship with a nonprofit over there..."

I'm all for learning about other people, but I like it when they also want to know more about me. This guy just wasn't interested.

We went out separate ways, and I figured that I wouldn't be hearing from him again. After all, I must have come across as boring and dull compared to his own fascinating life.

Three days later, an e-mail from him arrived. He wrote, "You have proven yourself worthy of a second date."

No thank you.

Don't Buy the Soundtrack

Submitted by Justin:

Kim showed up to the restaurant with her headphones in her ears.  She seemed capable of maintaining a conversation, but she didn't remove them even when we sat down.

At last I asked her, "Listening to something good?"

She said, "I'm listening to my friend's music.  He wanted me to give it a listen and give him my opinion on it, but don't worry.  I can still pay attention to you."

Gee, thanks.  I asked her, "How can you concentrate on both at the same time?"

She said, "I just can.  Trust me."

She kept the headphones in for the entire dinner, which bothered me, as she seemed distracted the entire time.  It made me wonder how important I'd be in her life if this is how she showed up to a first date.

I took the initiative and decided that she wouldn't be very important in mine, as I didn't ask her out again.

Scarfing it Way Down

Suzanne and I were wrestling, playfully, on the floor.  I picked up her scarf, a pretty, handmade thing, and cackled.  "Ha ha ha!  Your scarf is all mine!"

She asked me, "Do you like the scarf more than you like me?"

Kidding around, I made as if to think for a moment, then nodded, clutching the scarf to my chest.

Then, Suzanne became very, very quiet.  She gave me a dark look, as if I had told her that she had a minute to live.

She said, "That hurt."

I smiled and tapped her nose, but she clearly was not playing around any longer.  She started crying.

Well, I turned off the lights, held her, and went to sleep.

So I kicked her to the curb.  However, her scarf and I married and had three kids.

Breakup at the Disco

Submitted by Erin:

Marc and I had been dating for about a month when we attended a Fall Out Boy concert with some mutual friends. We arrived while the opener, Panic at the Disco, was playing, and we all eagerly made our way to the front of the room.

All of a sudden, a mosh pit formed right where we were standing. Marc looked at me, a 5’2”, 110-pound female, and started jumping against me. Next thing I knew, Marc was gone and I was in the middle of this pit, which was nowhere near where I wanted to be.

I was really bummed at this point that Marc left me to fend for myself but I didn’t want to ruin the day so I started enjoying the show. I made some new friends and ended up with a black eye from the mosh pit, but had a much better time than I would have had if Marc had been around.

After the show, I found my friends and Marc. He asked me how I liked it (this was before Fall Out Boy was popular) and how in the world I got a black eye. All I could say was, “The show was great. Thanks for paying for my ticket.”

We broke up right after that.


Portrait of the Artist as a Strange Man

Submitted by Elizabeth:

Billy invited me to his basement to listen to him play his electric guitar.  I sat down across from him and he started to play.

He played song after song after riff after riff for at least a half-hour, and I was getting hungry.  I finally yelled his name over the playing, told him that I liked his music, but wondered if we could take a break.  He rolled his eyes at me but we went upstairs for lunch.

He made sandwiches and during lunch he told me that he liked painting portraits of people, which I said was cool, and then he said that they were portraits of people he knew, but he painted them as if they were dead.  Then, he asked me to go back downstairs with him to listen to him play some more.

I told him that I had to go.

A Date at the Grindhouse

Submitted by Jennifer:

I was on a first date at a dance club when the guy I was with would not stop grinding against me.

"Please stop.  Seriously.  Stop," I said to him, but he kept on pressing himself close.  I would keep moving further away, but he wouldn't stop.

Finally, I very, very gingerly pushed him off, and he slapped my arms away and pressed himself up again.  At that, I walked off the dance floor and sat down at a table.  I probably should have stormed out then and there.

He found me a few minutes later and sat down with me.  "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Are you psycho?  You grind up against me after I tell you to stop a hundred times, and then you shove my hands away?"

"You pushed me."

"I pressed you away from me!  I told you that I didn't like what you were doing!"

He shrugged and asked, "Why are we on a date, then?  I mean, would you rather I took you to church or something?"

That's when I picked up my things and left.  He followed me out with protests and threats, but we had driven there separately, and so he had nothing to do but stomp and scream.

Grocer, These Dates Are Bad

Submitted by Hannah:

A grocery store may not seem like a choice place for a first date, but that's just where Jack took me.  He told me that he had nothing in his house and had to go shopping.  I told him that I could have waited and met up with him after his shopping trip, but he said that it wouldn't be long, so we went grocery shopping.

I tried to make the best of it, and even have some fun, but he was very serious the whole time.  I'd pick up some bread from the day-old rack and say, "How about some day-old bread?" and he'd push it away.  "I don't eat day-old bread," he said.

"What about this one here?" I asked.  I took a loaf from the bottom shelf.  "This one looks about two days old."

When I looked up from the shelf, he was already halfway down the aisle.  I caught up with him and asked him what I could do to make the trip go faster.

"Just let me do my shopping," he said.  I thought this was harsh, but I also wondered if he was kidding.  Turns out that he wasn't.

After we were done at the store, we went back to his house.  I helped him bring his groceries inside.  He didn't thank me.

All at once, he said, "Where's the cocktail sauce?  God damn it!  We forgot cocktail sauce!"

He was scaring me, and I didn't say anything.  He said, "We have to go back."

I told him that I was just going to go.  He asked, "What's your problem?" but I was done with him.

Separate but Unequal

Submitted by Michael:

I don't get all of this about women's lib.  I took a girl out a while back.  When I warned her to watch her step when we stepped off a steep curb, she said, "I've crossed streets before."  When I opened a restaurant door for her, she'd say, "I can open the door myself."    When I pulled her chair out for her to sit down, she said, "I could have done that myself."  Bear in mind that I was just trying to be nice.

But when the check came for dinner, guess who didn't use her equality to offer to help me pay?  I wouldn't have let her, of course, but I guess that she only wanted equal treatment to a point.

Another time, I was at a bar with a girl who kept saying, "I'll get the next round," whenever I ordered us a round of drinks.  She never picked it up, and so when she asked me to order another round, I put out my hand.  She slapped me five, but I kept my hand there.

"What?" she asked.

"You said you'd take care of the next round."

"I didn't mean it!  You're the guy!"

I bought another round.  For me.  She had to buy her own for the rest of the night.

The Worst Opening Line Ever

Submitted by James:

Kim and I started talking online and she picked out a coffee place for us to meet for a first date.  I showed up right on time, but she wasn't there.

Ten minutes later, I called her, but she didn't pick up.  I grabbed a copy of the newspaper and began reading.

Fifteen minutes after I had read everything interesting, I tried her phone once more.  No answer.  Okay, I thought, I'm being stood up.  Whatever.

Just as I was preparing to leave, she burst into the cafe as if she had just run ten miles to make it there.  She walked over to me, panting and wiping the sweat off of her forehead.

"Sorry," she said, "I was just on another date and I lost track of time!"

But at Least I Went Home Full

Submitted by Gio:

Ellen insisted on seeing a movie for our first date. I'm not a fan of movies on first dates, as it doesn't give you a chance to learn about the other person. She picked out The Final Destination.

After spending most of the movie with her eyes shut tight (but her hand firmly clamping mine), we went out for an early dinner.

"Wasn't that the scariest movie you've ever seen?" she asked me.

I told her that it wasn't, but that it had its moments. Then, she started talking about how her ex-boyfriends never took her out to horror movies because she would get too scared. She said that she thought it was super cool that I took her out to see one.

I said, "Well, it was your idea. I just went along with it."

She said, "What, so you wouldn't have taken me if I didn't ask?"

"Probably not. I don't like going to see movies on first dates, to be honest, but you really wanted to go–"

"What are you blaming me for? I don't understand."

This was taking a sharp nosedive, so I tried to change the subject. I asked, "How big is your family?"

"So you'll never go see a movie with me again? Is that what you're saying?"

"No. It just wouldn't have been my first choice."

"Just because of me? Or would you have gladly gone with someone else?"

"How big is your family?"

"Answer the question."

"No."

She picked up her bag and said, "I guess this is over, then."

I didn't stand up.  I hadn't finished my dinner.  I said, "I guess so."

She said, "Ugh!" as if I was supposed to say, "No, don't go!" but didn't.

"See you around," she said as she left.

I finished her dinner, too.