Submitted by Ana:

Sal asked me out to a local club for drinks and dancing.  It had been forever since I had done anything like that, and I figured that it would be a refreshing way to unwind after a week at work.

The band blasted their music and I had a couple of drinks, but he was downing alcohol like it was going out of style.  I couldn't help but notice that he began taking an interest in every girl who walked by.

He sighed after watching one of them and I asked, "Something wrong?"

He said, "Nothing's wrong, baby.  Want another?"

I told him no thanks, and he chugged down his umpteenth beer.

On the dance floor, we started dancing together, but then he moved on to at least three other women.  After twenty minutes, he returned to me and I asked, "Having fun?"

He said, "What's that supposed to mean?"

I said, just joking, "How many are you planning on bringing home?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"This is a date, right?"

He paused for a sec then asked, "You're not my fucking mother, right?"

I tried to take it as a joke, but he took off.  Whatever.  I kept dancing and I wouldn't let him ruin my fun.

Of course, my curiosity finally got the better of me and I went to look for him.  I found him talking to one of the girls on line for the bathroom.  He was trying to hand her something and she put up her hand and shook her head.  Then he moved on to the next girl and the same thing happened.  When I made it closer, I saw what he was doing.

He was trying to pass out condoms to them!

I grabbed his shoulder and yelled, "What the hell are you doing?"

He said, "I'm proving you right!  I'd fuck anybody!"

One of the girls on line said, "I wouldn't fuck you."

Another one said, "Me neither."

I said to him, "You're a fucking idiot," and turned around, but he grabbed my shoulder and yelled in my face, "Don't you walk away from me!"

But then two other guys walked by and grabbed HIM and shouted at him, "What do you think you're doing, you sack of shit?" and began punching him!  Oh man.

The girls on line all started clapping, but I walked away and straight out of the club before anyone could interact with me further.  I was shaking all the way home.

Submitted by Andrea:

Don and I met on a dating site.  He was a wasp from the middle-of-nowhere, and me, being a Queens NYC girl, was always wary of the type.  After going out with him for a few drinks once, I decided to see him again.

Submitted by Pete:

Kathleen and I met at a racquetball club in my neighborhood. I asked her to join up with me one time and we became regular partners. She was a grad student and said that racquetball was her one leisure activity.

We went out to dinner a couple of times, and you could say that we were seeing each other. Every now and then, she'd stay at my place, etc.

We were at the racquetball place at closing time one day when the idea of having sex in the enclosed, windowless court struck me. To my surprise, Kathleen went for the idea.

We were unbelievably turned on, and were tangled on the floor when Kathleen suddenly moaned far louder than I was hoping she would.

For safety purposes, the doors to the enclosed courts did not have locks. I tried hurrying, but when you're stressed it's a little tougher, and I just couldn't go faster than it took for a clerk to knock and open the door.

His eyes met mine, then grew to the size of dinner plates. He said, "Oh my God!" and slammed the door shut.

I turned to Kathleen. "We should probably get out of here," I said, but she said, "No. Finish."

So I did, but not before a manager walked in on us as we were hastily pulling our clothes back on.

He said, "Who do you think you are? You're out of here. Now."

On our way out, Kathleen seemed annoyed and said that she would have to find another racquetball place. She seemed miffed at me, and the relationship ended (for an unrelated reason) not too long after.

Still, it was awesome.

Submitted by Erin:

Roger started talking to me at my college's cafeteria.  We were both in one of the same lecture classes and we both went swimming after class each day, although our classes both ended at different times and we didn't usually encounter each other.  He suggested that we synchronize swimming schedules, and I thought he was cool, so we did that for a couple of weeks.  I liked him.  At first.

After each swim, we'd return to our respective locker rooms.  I had a usual locker, but very few of us used locks, although I know that we should have.

One day at the pool he asked me, "Do you like surprises?"

I told him that I did, as long as they were pleasant.  He said, "Noted," and we didn't discuss it anymore.

I expected flowers, maybe a dinner date, maybe bowling, you know, a pleasant surprise.

After a swim one afternoon that next week, some friends and I returned to the locker room, I opened my locker, and ROGER POPPED OUT.

"Surprise!" he shouted.  Every girl screamed, and I shoved him back into the locker and leaned against it.

"Oh my God!" I yelled as the girls everywhere covered up, "Are you fucking insane?"

I couldn't hear him, if he responded at all, and once we had all covered up, I let him out and he went right for the door, without looking any of us in the eye.

What was he expecting to have happen?  That we'd all laugh or surrender ourselves to him?  Or both?

He didn't come by the pool anymore that I saw, but he might have just switched his swimming hours around.  Or maybe he got in trouble.  I didn't report it, but in retrospect, someone probably did.

Submitted by Aaron:

Jenny and I had seen each other a few times, and this particular afternoon, we were messing around on her couch, tickling, kissing, and doing whatever people on couches who have been seeing each other do.

We got really hot and heavy and all of a sudden she jerked away.  She said, "Oh my God, you have to go."

Confused, I asked her, "Why?"

She said, "This is just all too quick.  I can't.  You have to leave."

Okay, so I jumped in my car and left.  Two minutes later, she called.  "Can you come back?"

I said, "You just kicked me out."

She replied, "I know, but I think that I want you here, now."

Okay, so I turned around and went back to her house.  She gave me a big hug and pulled me back to the couch, where we continued where we had left off just ten minutes earlier.

Soon enough, she pulled away again.  "Okay.  I'm sorry.  I can't do this.  We have to stop.  You have to go."

"I'm not going to come back this time," I warned her.

She didn't stop me, so I started heading off to my car.  I had about climbed in when she caught up with me and grabbed my arm.  "Oh my God!" she said, "Don't go!  I'm sorry, I'm just really confused.  Maybe we can just go back in and hold each other for a bit."

I was losing patience, but I still wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.  So we went back inside and spooned on her couch for about twenty minutes without saying anything.

Finally, she said, "Okay.  Now I'm sure."

"You are?"

"Yeah.  You should go."

"Bye," I said, and left for home.

A half-hour later, my phone rang.  It was her, and I let it go to voicemail.  When I listened to it later on, the message said, "Hey Aaron.  Maybe you should come back.  I just... I don't know.  I'm just really confused and think it might be good to have you here."

Nope.

Submitted by John:

I was a lifeguard at a beach a little over a year ago and started flirting with Emily, another lifeguard.  We made plans one night to hit up a restaurant right there on the beach.

I was at the restaurant and waiting for her when she sent me a text message that read, "Meet me by the stand on the beach."  The lifeguard stand was about a quarter-mile away, but I walked there to meet up with her.  She was there with another guy, who she introduced as Larry.

She turned to me and said, "Are you ready to go to the restaurant?"

I said, "That's where I just came from.  Where we agreed to meet, remember?"

She pulled Larry along and said, "Let's go!"

Dinner was the most awkward thing I can ever remember.  She and Larry sat on the same side of the table, facing me and tickling each other.

When she went to the bathroom, I asked him if they were together.  He said that they were just friends.

I guess I wasn't clear enough to Emily that I expected a date, rather than some weird sort of chaperone situation, but trust me, it got weirder.

Dinner was about over when I suggested that I leave, as it seemed pretty obvious that Emily and Larry were pretty into each other.  Both of them said, "No!  No, don't go!  It's still early."  I began to wonder if they were in the market for a threesome (which, admittedly, I'd be game for, but only if two women were involved) and Emily said, "Let's go down to the beach!"

At the deserted beach, she went running ahead, doing cartwheels and falling over herself in the sand.  Larry and I walked next to each other, and I turned to him and said, "No offense, but I was sort of under the impression that this was supposed to be a date between myself and her."

He turned to me and said, "We're leapfrogging.  She didn't tell you?"

I asked, "No.  What's leapfrogging?"

Emily made it to the edge of the water and turned back to us.  She asked, "You guys ready?"

Larry started taking his clothes off.  She nodded to me as if I was supposed to follow suit.  I asked again, "Uh... what's leapfrogging?"

She said, "Leapfrogging!"  She started taking her own clothes off.  Larry was naked.  Emily said, "Larry, help him out."

The instant that Larry put his hands on me, I jumped away.  Emily had stopped undressing and looked at me.  I said, "What the hell are you two doing?  What's leapfrogging?"

Emily motioned for Larry to again approach me.  I took off, tearing down the beach.  Larry was after me for a little while, but I figured (correctly) that I'd lose him once I made for the boardwalk area.

The only interaction that Emily and I had about it afterward was at work when she said, "You missed a great time last night."

Does anyone know what leapfrogging is?  Did I really miss out on something tremendous, here?  I'm not into naked guys, so keep that in mind.

Submitted by Sherv:

So I met this girl at a night club a couple weeks ago. I thought she was cute and even though I wasn't sure she was my type we seemed to have a few things in common so we decided to meet up for drinks that Sunday evening.



We had some pretty good chats and she seemed insightful and outgoing so we decided to go on a second date which was drinks at my apartment the following Wednesday at 9.

When she called to set up the date she said "Let's get drunk tonight at your place," and that sounded like a recipe for a fantastic evening.

She showed up with a bottle of Vodka and I had the orange juice so the screwdrivers commenced immediately. She started telling me stories about how she goes out drinking every weekend and she loves to do shots. She asked me to do shots with her but I’m not a shots kind of guy so I decided to just keep with my drink. She did one shot. Then two. And we both kept drinking and chatting for the next few hours.

A few minutes after midnight her sister called to say there is some issue with their dad; she started freaking out and picked up her keys and said that she had to drive home. I told her that I couldn’t let her drive since we had been drinking for a few hours, but if she chilled for a bit I’d set the alarm for 3am and she could drive then when she was sober enough.

So she lied down and relaxed and proceeded to snatch all three of my pillows and my blanket and passed out. After a little while, she woke up, went to the bathroom, and then came back to collapse back on the bed.  She started snoring at a decibel level that was absolutely hard to imagine. I mean bed-shaking, foundation-rumbling snoring.

After laying there wide awake for 3 hours imagining how tired I was going to be at work the next day, I finally woke her up and said “I can’t sleep at all, you are snoring incredibly loud.”

She responded “I’ll put a pillow over my head.” I told her that I didn’t think that was going to work and that I would walk her to her car.

She got up, grabbed her bottle of Vodka and her bag, I walked her to her car and she drove home. Date over.

My roommate sent me a text message before I woke up the next morning to ask me what happened to the bathroom. I woke up and went in there to see what was wrong, and that’s when I saw the vomit all over the toilet and bathroom floor. She had puked everywhere!

She apologized over and over again the next day, but for all intents and purposes, she was already absolutely and permanently banned from my home. When I have to clean vomit before I go to work… there really can’t be a 3rd date.

Submitted by Megan:

I met Rich at the dog obedience school that my dog Bella and I were attending. At first blush, he seemed nice, and normal, both qualities that had been lacking with the men I had been dating. So, when he asked me out to dinner, I consented and agreed to meet him at a restaurant that Saturday evening.

At the restaurant, the conversation picked up comfortably. Everything was going well. The only thing that was a little strange was that Rich had to keep going to the bathroom. To quell the unspoken question he likely knew was on my mind, after the second trip to the men’s room he mentioned something about a “cleanse” he had been taking lately.

I didn’t ask for any more information on that, as I figured he had it under control, and it’s not exactly polite first-date-style dinner conversation. As I was soon to become aware, he didn’t have it quite under control.

After dinner we decided to go to the recently-opened Ikea to look at furniture for my new town-home. I agreed to drive, since it was really more of an errand for me anyway. I don’t remember much of the conversation until Rich said, “I really need to use the bathroom.”

Well, I suppose (with hindsight’s 20/20 vision) that I should have pulled over, but I had no idea what was about to happen, and apparently neither did Rich, because the next thing he said was, “I’m so sorry, but you have to take me back to my car, NOW.  I couldn’t hold it.”

I was all, like, “Huh?”  Then the smell hit me and it all became clear. Rich, feeling a stomach cramp, had attempted to pass gas in my car and instead he shit his pants. I’m not kidding. An adult male soiled himself in my car!

So, I started driving back to his car, rolling down all the windows to ventilate some of the stench - it was decidedly foul, as you can imagine. The whole time I was laughing so hard I could barely keep the car going straight, and I’m pretty sure I may have, ironically, wet myself a little in my unbridled reaction.

Rich kept saying over and over again “I’m so embarrassed, that has never happened to me before.” Well, I would hope not! I pulled up behind his car in the restaurant parking lot.  He said, “You’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?”

I reassured him, trying to keep my composure, with a comforting, “Naw, don’t worry about it,” all the time thinking, “Get out of my car so I can call my girlfriend and tell her about this RIGHT NOW.”

So he wiped off my passenger seat with the sleeve of his shirt (thank God I have leather upholstery), looked me in the eye and said, “You will never hear from me again,” and proceeded to his car.

At the time, and with the residue of extreme discomfort and awkwardness, I had no idea how funny the whole thing would become with a little distance, humor and perspective. As far as Rich goes, contrary to his statement of never hearing from him again, he called me twice after that, but I just couldn’t bring myself go out with him again.

Submitted by Jeff:

Jean and I met at college and ran a long distance relationship when we went back home for the summer.  We stayed in touch each day and things were just fine for a little while.

One day I told her that I was going out for lunch with a friend of mine.  Jean asked, "Is it a girl?"

I told her that it was, and Jean said, "I don't want you going."

I told Jean that this was just a friend of mine from high school who I was just seeing to catch up with.  Jean started getting angry and said, "I'm your girlfriend and I don't want you going out with her!  What's the issue?"

Jean screamed my ear off for a good hour or so (too long, I know.  I run things different today) and she wouldn't listen to reason.  I'd say, "In the amount of time you've been yelling at me, I could have gone and come back."

She'd say, "So just don't go!"

Ultimately, I did go, and Jean called and called the entire time, until I shut my phone off.

Finally, when I made it back home, I turned my phone on and less than a minute later, Jean called!  I picked it up.

She asked, "Where the hell were you?"

I told her, "I was out with my friend."

"After I expressly told you not to go?  Who do you think you are?"

I paused for just a moment and realized that if I had to listen to her whiny, stupid voice for one more second, that I'd likely have to kill myself.

I replied, "A happy, single guy," and hung up on her.  She called and called for the next couple of days, but finally stopped and I haven't heard from her since.

Submitted by Alyse:

Joe contacted me on a dating website this past summer and we arranged to meet up at a local pub. He seemed very nice and sensitive, but he mentioned that he was going through a tough time.

I made it there first, and he showed up a couple of minutes later, drunk as drunk could be. Unsure of what to do, I walked inside with him and he practically fell into a booth. I asked him, "Do you want to postpone?" and in response, he buried his head in his arms on the table.

He put up a finger to make me wait a minute, then his head shook and he started coughing - but it wasn't coughing, it was vomiting, right onto his lap.

"I'll be right back," I said, but didn't come back.

He even sent me an e-mail to apologize, and he got my name wrong!

Submitted by Greg:

April worked as a florist near my house, and I asked her out to dinner and a movie.  Dinner went fine.

At the movies, I picked a seat and she sat one seat away, putting an empty seat between us.  I moved over to sit next to her and she again shifted one seat away.  I asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I know what guys are like in movie theaters."

After a moment of stunned silence, I asked, "What are they like?"

She said, "You know.  You're a guy."

I said, "Remind me."

She said, "I don't know.  All touchy-feely."

I asked her, "What if I'm not like that?"

"All guys are."

Well, so that's how we watched the movie.  And since (to take a page out of her book) all florists are INSANE, I didn't ask her out again after that.

Submitted by Beth:

Henry and I had been out twice before, and this time around we were on his couch watching a movie.  As things can go when watching a movie on a couch with a date, we began cuddling and kissing.

About twenty minutes into being hot and heavy, I heard a high-pitched rapid beeping from somewhere nearby.

I asked him what it was and he said, "Something in the kitchen.  I don't know."

We continued on the couch for a while and he excused himself to go to the bathroom.  While he was away, I couldn't help but look towards his kitchen and see an oddly-piled stack of cookie and cereal boxes.  Upon closer inspection, I discovered a video camera hidden among them, pointed toward the couch, and it was on.

I wondered - should I confront him?  Should I play it cool?  What do I do?  Then it hit me: I ejected the tape from the camera and slipped it into my handbag.

I returned to the couch and when he tried to continue our session, I told him that it was enough for one night.  I didn't say or do anything else suspicious, and I left when the movie was over, as if nothing was wrong.

He didn't call me after that.

Submitted by Mark:

This was about a year and a half ago.  I took Jillian out for a first date on a walk through a nearby artsy village.  There were plenty of bridges, roads, and paths, and we did a lot of walking.  We seemed to be having a good time.

While we were out, my phone rang with a local number that I didn't recognize.  As I was out on a date, I didn't answer it, but I let it go to voicemail.  Whoever it was, I'd catch up with later.

Less than five minutes later, it rang again.

Then a third time.

Thinking at this point that it might be someone I know, calling from an unrecognized number, and that it was an emergency, I apologized to Jillian and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

They hung up.  I called them back, and was disconnected.  Thinking that it must have been a wrong number, we went on.

Hardly had we gone six steps when Jillian's phone rang.  She answered.  "Hello?  Yes, everything's fine.  Okay, you can stop calling us now.  Bye."

She hung up.  I asked, "You can stop calling us?"

She shrugged.  "My brother.  I gave him your number just in case."

"In case of what?"

"Just to be safe.  You know, you're a new guy and he's protective."

I asked, "So he calls me non-stop and then hangs up to protect you?"

"That's just what he does."

"Okay."

My phone rang twice more with his number over the rest of the date, and I didn't pick up.  I also decided not to see her anymore.  Just a little too strange for me.

Submitted by S. W.:

I met Ben on an internet dating site and we agreed to go out for coffee in a local bar. Already quite early on I got the feeling that there was no chemistry between us for a relationship - I did not intend to see him again. However, Ben was obviously an intellectual guy and the conversation was good in an academic way, so I stayed.

At some point the discussion went to having sex on a first date. I pointed out several reasons why I thought it was a bad idea. Ben obviously had another opinion. We went through a number of psychological theories, discussed how human feelings evolve, what upbringing has to do with attitudes on sex etc. He would not accept any of my explanations, but would challenge and ask for reasoning.

All in all, it was a vigorous discussion and went on for hours. But not once during that time did I give in to his reasoning - I was very clear that sex on the first date was not a viable option for me.

When it got late, we decided to leave the bar. Ben walked me to the street corner where my car was parked. I said goodnight - and his answer? "I would really like to sleep with you tonight."

You just can't get through to some guys.

Submitted by Will:

Michelle and I had a great first date.  After we were done with bowling and dinner, it was late and she offered to drop me back off at my place, since I had walked to town and she had driven in.  I took her up on it.

We kissed goodnight, I thanked her for dropping me off, and I went inside a pretty happy guy.  I undressed, turned off the lights, and climbed into bed.

After about ten minutes, I felt an odd sensation, as if I was being watched.  I jumped up in bed, and there was Michelle, staring at me through my first-floor bedroom window, the one that looked out over the backyard.

I shouted and she took off.  I ran outside, but she was gone.

Three days later, she left a rambling, apologetic message on my voicemail.  No, I didn't call her back.

Submitted by Stacy:

We met on a dating site in Canada. He seemed nice at first, so we decided to go for drinks at a local lounge. He had told me his interests included hockey, so when we went to the lounge and I saw that there was a big screen TV there with the game on, I purposely took the seat in the booth facing the TV, so his back would be to it.

During our email exchange I had asked about his job as he had posted in his profile that he was "In law enforcement."  He told me he would tell me when we met. Okay, fine, some people are private.

After we sat down and ordered our drinks, I asked him what he did for a living. He told me he was a border guard. Not exactly what springs to mind when you say "law enforcement," but okay.

He then told me that he carried a gun (Canadian Border Guards do not carry guns) and that he was trained to restrain people and put them on the ground. He told me elaborate stories of being kicked out of casinos in Las Vegas for fighting, and how he gets angry when people coming through the border don't answer his questions the way he wants them to. But he was sure to qualify his statements with "I'm working on my anger management." I also got to hear about how his ex wife was such a bitch. Lucky me.

As if his disturbing attitude about, well, everything, wasn't enough, he kept turning around in his seat to watch the game. He would watch for a few minutes at a time and then turn back to me and say "What?" like he'd missed what I had just said.

Eventually, I made an excuse and said that I had to go. As we parted ways in the parking lot (thank GOD I had met him there) he said, "We should do this again. I had a great time."

I said "Sure, I'll call you," having absolutely no intention of calling him whatsoever - I just wanted to get away as fast as I could.

When I got home, I sent him an e-mail telling him I would not be calling and that I wasn't interested in going out with him again.

Submitted by Christopher:

Alexandra and I traded messages on a dating site.  Her profile stood out from the rest and she was extremely attractive to me.  We agreed to meet up at a local park and take a walk through town, possibly grabbing lunch along the way.

Holy smokes, she was a hundred pounds heavier and at least six inches shorter than depicted in her photos.

I tried to point this out in the most genteel way possible.  She introduced herself and I said, "You don't look like Alexandra."

She tried to wave my confusion away and smiled.  "Oh, those pictures were from last year.  I haven't updated them, since I haven't had any new ones taken."

"Oh.  Hmmm."

Her pudgy face molded itself into a bigger smile.  "Ready to go?"

I was pretty quiet the whole time, as I was fairly disappointed.  When I made it home, I checked out her blog (which she had sent me the address of when we were still trading messages) and she had written a scathing review of our date:

"He hardly said a word the whole time!  He's either the shyest or most stuck-up guy ever!  Loser."

She never contacted me again.  Dear bullet: consider yourself dodged.

Submitted by Ann:

I met this guy, Greg, at a fundraiser for the local fire department.  My dad is a fireman and knew the guy, so it seemed relatively harmless.

We spent the following six months trying to coordinate (which was hard to do since we lived 30 minutes apart and he refused to come to any of the places that I hang out).

Finally, I decided to make the trip to his town to go to a cruddy local bar and have a drink with him.  Already, I was annoyed, but I felt committed, so I made the drive.

When I got to the bar, in a rough part of town, I texted him and asked if he would come out and walk me in.  The response I received was "WE R ON THE DECK."  Realizing that I wasn't getting any sort of gentlemanly treatment, I trekked to the bar and paid the cover, fought though the crowds to the back deck and looked around and around.  Nowhere to be found... and that's because he was up at the bar doing shots with at least ten other guys.

He had one in his hand for me, which I politely refused (citing the 30 minute drive) and we sat: me, him, and the ten frat-boy-idiot guys with whom he was at the bar.  He spoke only to them, not even introducing me to the table.

The night wore on, I sipped on a single beer while he got completely slobbering drunk and finally it was time to go.  He asked if I would follow him home and I rolled my eyes, but said I would because it was close.

I pulled into the parking lot after him, and then started to turn my car around with a polite wave goodbye.  Goodbye, idiot, and good riddance!

But wouldn't you know, the night wasn't over yet, as he half-trotted, half-stumbled over to my passenger door, opened it and plopped down before I could even protest.

"Come upstairs with me?" he said, trying hard to be charming.

"Um, it's late.  I'm going to head home."

"You're too drunk to drive!" he insisted, hoping that I would take the bait.

"No, Greg, I'm leaving."

He blubbered about how his father had just died, and he was so lonely, and wouldn't I just come up for a moment?  I couldn't believe he was pulling this with me.  I told him how sorry I was for his loss, and at that moment, in a feat of acrobatics I have never since seen repeated, he put his HAND down my PANTS. 

I full-volume screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG IN YOUR HEAD?" and he jumped out of the car, practically sprinting to his apartment while I sped out of the parking lot, shaking, pissed, and confused.  It was that the worst date with the most sinister, manipulative douchebag ever to walk to planet...

I didn't hear from him for six months, until my parents were having a party and he texted to see if I was going to be there.

My dad personally told him that it probably wasn't in his best interests to show up.

Submitted by Meghan:

Early on during my undergrad education, I had the world’s biggest crush on Nick. He was the teddy-bear kind of cute and extremely smart, which was a double bonus. We had several classes together, frequently chatted before or after class, sat by each other, and checked homework sometimes. I always wondered if he was interested in me, but I couldn't tell for sure.

Towards the end of the school year, my friends and I were invited to a party at his fraternity. I thought this was a fantastic way to see if something could happen between us outside of class, so I got dolled up and away to the party we went.

I ran into Nick there pretty early on in the night and he spent some time talking to my friends and I. It was a big party, and everyone was having a great time. The night started to wind down, and my friends and I were talking about leaving.

On our way out, Nick grabbed my arm and suggested we continue hanging out. After getting encouraging nods from my friends, we went up to his room and started playing drunken Mario Kart, which was awesome. We eventually got bored with that and segued into a make out session.

Given that we were both well into our college careers, I kind of figured that he would have at least kissed someone before. Judging by his overuse of tongue, I was probably one of the first to sample his lip-locking prowess. It was comparable to getting a face bath from Lassie with a garden hose there for backup. However, I figured that unrefined kissing could eventually be fixed with guidance, and I was too drunk to really care.

We eventually took a break for some light kissing and cuddling.  He confessed how he’d always thought I was smart and pretty and was too nervous to ask me out. I told him that I felt the same way about him and we laughed about it.

Things were going great until he announced that he had to pee. Instead of walking the 20 feet to use the facilities, he walked into the corner of his bedroom and took a piss in his trash can.

Once he was done emptying his bladder of what sounded like an impressive amount of cheap beer, he turned, manhood still dangling from pants, and said “Hey, while I’ve got the big guy out, you wanna have some fun with him?”

Already shocked, I stared for a few seconds, muttered something about it being late, and gathered my belongings.

I don’t think Nick liked this, given the scene he made while following me out of his fraternity house, vociferously calling me a tease the whole way.

Once we got down to the main foyer area, where plenty of people were still sitting, I politely (but loudly) informed him that his penis was still hanging out of his zipper… and that he’d dribbled urine down his pantleg. This earned a lot of laughs from the people nearby. 

As I started towards the door, Nick said “You probably shouldn’t ever come back here.”

Before I could even get the words out of my mouth, one of his frat brothers responded with “Dude… it doesn’t look like she’d want to.” I couldn't have said it better, and we avoided each other like the plague from then on.

Submitted by TheGripester:

In the mid-80s, I played keyboards in a working band, a pretty low-key affair. We played covers (Bryan Adams, ZZ Top, Huey Louis, Creedence, etc.) at a lot of little nightclubs in Northern California.

There were some friends from our day jobs who came out to every gig.  One night, one of these friends approached me during our break.  It seems his girlfriend had brought her best friend from work, Amy, and now some drunk was hassling her and trying to chat her up. Could I come and pretend to be her boyfriend so that he’d leave her alone?

My sense of chivalry activated, I headed over to their table. Amy seemed like a nice person, and we had a casual chat. After a few minutes, the drunk realized he wasn’t going to score and buzzed off. I stayed till the end of the break making conversation, then went back to the stage to play one more set.

After the show, I packed up, and my friend walked over. “Hey man,” he said, “We’re all going out to Denny’s now. Amy was wondering if you’d like to join us.”

I was pretty wiped out from a four-hour gig. “Sorry.  I have to work in the morning.  Maybe some other time.”

“You don’t get it,” he said. “Amy really digs you. She wants to get to know you better.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

I was flattered. Normally, I would take him up on it, but I was getting into a pretty serious relationship with someone else (who I ended up marrying), and I was not interested in anyone else. I explained this to my buddy, trying to get him to convey the message that Amy seemed really nice, but that I didn’t want to start something right now.

Next gig, my buddy showed up again, with his girlfriend and Amy. What should I get from Amy but the biggest, pissiest attitude, like I’d ruined her life by not going out for coffee after the show. What did I get for being a nice guy and chasing off a drunk? The evil eye for four hours, and bitter, nasty comments about me behind my back to all my friends at the club.

It was a pain in the ass and really dragged down the vibe of the gig. It goes to show that if you just act like a gentleman that’s not out to get in someone’s pants, that can come off as attractive, but if you then bring someone down to earth, they’ll hate you worse than any asshole drunk.

Cynthia was a friend of a friend of mine and we met at a party. We talked for three hours and didn't run out of conversation topics, so I figured that it would be worth it to ask her out on a date.

I was wrong.

I picked her up at her apartment and she was wearing a floral catastrophe of a dress, as if she had rolled around in a field of daisies and every flower had stuck to her outfit.

You know what though? It was cool. She was a nice girl, and I could overlook fashion idiosyncrasy.

What was harder to overlook was, on our way to the restaurant, her act of rolling down her widow and screaming, "Hey! Victor!" at a guy on the street.

She waved at him and he waved back. I asked her, "Want me to stop?"

"Yeah!"

I pulled over and she jumped out of the car, ran to Victor, and hugged him. I turned the car off and walked over to them.

She turned to me. "Oh my God! It's Victor!"

Victor and I shook hands. She went on, "Victor and I have been friends since junior high." She turned back to Victor, thus ending my temporary inclusion into their world.

After about ten or so minutes of catching up, she glanced at me, as if remembering a toilsome task, and said, "Well, I have to run, but don't be a stranger! I mean it!" She punched him in the arm, he said his goodbye, and we departed.

Back in the car, she said, "Victor and I did acting club in high school. We had a kissing scene."

I rolled my eyes. "That's hot."

"One time, before the play went up, we hung out and practiced it."

"Uh huh."

"For like, hours."

"That's fun."

"It was pretty hysterical."

"Hey, here's the restaurant."

We made it inside, and I'm not exaggerating or embellishing when I tell you that every other thing we talked about that night, whether it was horror movies, politics, or favorite music, Cynthia managed to slip in a mention of Victor.

"Oh my God! Victor loves horror movies!"

"Victor and I went to a rally together with some friends."

"Victor was my concert buddy throughout high school."

Finally, I asked, "Why didn't you and Victor ever date? Or did you?"

She put down her fork, frowned at me, and said, "That's inappropriate."

"What's inappropriate?"

"You don't ask that on a first date."

I said, "Oh. Okay. Just so we're clear, though, you can talk about another guy non-stop on a first date, but when I ask you a simple question, that's inappropriate?"

She leaned in. "Christ! Will you stop it? Change of subject!"

We changed the subject, all right. If silence is a conversation topic, then we talked each other's ears off for the rest of the night.

Submitted by Nick:

My friends and I were throwing a party last summer and we had invited my friend's coworker, Maria, and a few of her friends along. She wanted to set me up with her friend Nicole, so the party was also a blind date sort of thing.

Things were normal at first, and the two of us were flirting and talking. But as the night wore on, Nicole started getting seriously annoying. Every so often, she walked away and sat alone until someone talked her into returning to the party. I asked her friends about it and it turned out that she was walking off whenever some random little thing inexplicably upset her, and she wanted attention.

I got tired of playing her immature game so I eventually just ignored it and tried to enjoy the party. At some point we were all sitting around in a circle having a good time, when she got up and stood in the corner of the garage we were in, and just stared at us, pouting. I went over and tried to talk to her, but she just ignored me and continued pouting. So I gave up and left her in the corner.

She pulled out her phone and texted Maria, who was several feet away talking with the rest of us. Maria told me that Nicole wanted me to talk to her. At some point, Nicole also got my number and started texting me as well, even though I was only a few feet away.

The next day, I received more text messages from her, asking if I'd be her boyfriend. I told her that I didn't want a relationship and I asked her to stop texting me, but she kept it up for several hours after I stopped responding.

A few days later, my friend and I went to a movie. He invited Maria along and five minutes before she got there, he got a text from her saying that she had a "surprise."

She showed up with Nicole, of course. When we got into the theater and I sat by my friend instead of her, she sat down in the front row alone until Maria convinced her to sit by us.

Nicole then texted me, asking why I hated her and then told me that she wanted to make out. I told her that she has acted like a baby and that I didn't want to see her again.

Finally, she gave up and her friends gave me a guilt trip for a week.

Submitted by Grace:

After several fun dates, Kyle and I were at his apartment cuddling on the couch. As we sat there, he made a comment to me about how he was "magical."

Thinking this was some sort of sexual innuendo, I hesitantly asked him what sort of magical qualities he had. He paused for a long moment and then timidly responded, "I'm a dragon."

"You're a dragon?" I asked, thinking this was some sort of slang I wasn't familiar with.

He confirmed that he was in fact referring to the mythical beast before explaining to me that he was one of the few dragons left in the world and that they hide in human bodies to avoid detection. He said that if people knew what he really was, they would kill him and all the other dragons. He explained that the dragon tattoo on his arm was a signal of his true form.

I kept waiting for the punchline, but he was completely serious. I sat in silence for a few moments, trying to absorb this revelation and then asked him if he had any other magical qualities (hoping still that this was some elaborate joke).

"Yes," he told me soberly. "I discovered last year during a volleyball game that I can control the wind with my mind."

I stared at him incredulously for a moment before suddenly "remembering" an early appointment the next day and racing for the door. Yikes!

Submitted by Ryan:

I had just finished fooling around in bed with Kristen. She was curled up next to me and we were quiet for a while.

Then, she asked, "Do you believe in God?"

I stiffened, but not in the good, between-the-legs way. I said, "Uh... I guess I just don't really give it much thought. I don't know."

"You don't know if you believe in God? Or you don't know if there is a God?"

I sighed. "I don't know. The second one."

She was quiet again. I asked her, "Do you believe in God?"

"Yes," she said without hesitation.

I replied, "Do you think that God killed the dinosaurs?"

She shrugged. "It was God's will."

"God's will sucks. Dinosaurs are awesome."

She pulled away from me, shaking her head.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"You're not taking me seriously."

"Well, wouldn't that also be God's will?"

She paused before saying, "I don't know."

I grinned. "Now we're both on the same page!"

I headed out after that. Neither of us, I suppose were ever particularly inclined to call the other again.

Submitted by Wesley:

Caroline and I met up last week for our first date at an Italian restaurant. The conversation was average, and surrounded mostly her non-profit advocacy work.

I paid for dinner, as I had planned, but she did not say thank you. She did not offer to leave the tip. I then took her out for ice cream and again she didn't say thank you.

For some reason or another, this really irritated me. I would've appreciated SOMETHING to let me know that it was appreciated, as opposed to EXPECTED. Maybe she was just nervous, but her lack of appreciation was a real turn off.

Second date? What do you think?

Submitted by GreenGirl:

I meet James via an online dating website. I'm hesitant to meet him because his texts are so inconsistent. One day he texts and we have a really good conversation. The next day it's one word answers.

He actually cancels on our first meet up at the last moment because he has to go to work, but then texts an hour later saying that he has some time after all. "Meet me in 10 minutes?" Um, no. This is a big city. It takes 10 minutes just for me to get to the nearest subway stop.

Finally I agree to meet him at a sandwich shop. We sit down and he doesn't say anything, just sits there. I force conversation by asking questions most of which get one word answers, even when asking open ended questions.

I ask, "So where do you work?"

"A hotel."

"Oh, so what do you do at the hotel?"

"I'm a manager in housekeeping."

"So...do you like it?"

"Yeah it's alright."

"Okay..."

Finally I ask him if he wants to know anything about me, because I can’t think of any more questions. He just kind of shrugs and says “I don’t know tell me something interesting about you.” I proceed to tell him about my current and last job, both of which happen to be for politically famous people. I don’t do this to brag, I just figure it’s a good conversation starter. His response? “Oh okay. Cool.”

I am now desperate to leave and it’s only been 15 minutes. I suggest walking to a bookstore a couple of blocks away. It’s a rather popular bookstore but it couldn’t be more apparent that he has a) never been there b) probably doesn’t read that much. I say something to that effect and he responds, “Well I’ll read if someone gives me something and says ‘Hey you should read this.’”

To my right on the shelf directly at eye level happens to be a bunch of Chuck Palahniuk books. Although famous for writing Fight Club, there is a rather infamous story in his book Ghost, chapter three to exact.

If you have never read it I shall simply say it involves a boy in a pool, masturbating, intestines, and just general disgusting and disturbing imagery. It will quite possibly scar you for life.

With no intended malice in mind I hand the chapter to him, joking for him to read it, but then he actually sits down to read it. Almost immediately an option enters my mind. I hesitate for about 30 seconds, debating.

And then I walk out the back door and walk home.

Suffice it to say that I haven’t heard from him and hopefully he will remember me forever as that bitch who gave him a disgusting story and then walked out on him.

I’ll remember him forever as the guy who bored me to tears.

Submitted by Maire:

I'm a PhD researcher who looks significantly younger than I actually am. The bane of my existence is "freshers week" - when the Freshmen hit the campus.

Yesterday, I'm minding my own business in a coffee shop when this random boy walks up to me and asks, "Hey, what are you up to tonight?"

I saw that he was with friends, so I said really quietly, so as not to embarrass him, "I'm not a Fresher, I'm 26. I may even be teaching you. Tonight, I'll be going home to my house and my fiance. Why don't you just tell your friends that I have a boyfriend?"

I smiled as he turned away, thinking what a good deed I had done, protecting his fragile image among his new friends. He then roared across the coffee shop, "Dudes, she's like 30!"

Gwen and I had been on a few dates. She was a sweet girl, but the chemistry just wasn't there. I arranged a "let's just be friends" date at a local coffee house.

From the moment we sat down, I realized that it would be difficult to accomplish the task I had set for myself.

She said, "So I have a great idea: let's go to Vermont for the weekend!"

Ulp. I'd rather go on a date with Weird Al Yankovic to a clowning convention in Afghanistan.

I leaned in. "Gwen, you're really terrific, but I just don't think that things are going to work out."

She cocked an eyebrow, confused.

I clarified, "Between us."

Her mouth opened. "What? You're breaking up with me?"

Uh-oh, spaghettios! Damage control! I said, "Well, it's not technically a breakup, since we were never really boyfriend and girlfriend–"

"You're breaking up? With ME? I... uh... well..." her hand went to her forehead and she wobbled to her feet, "I just... okay... whoa..."

I stood up and stepped toward her. "Gwen? Are you okay?"

Far louder than necessary, she said, "Oh, I'm better than okay!"

She ran out of the coffee house and into the street, where a black Honda stopped short, but not short enough. It bumped lightly against her, but she retained her footing and stumbled along to the other side of the street and out of my life.

Submitted by S.M.A.:

I meet this guy on an online dating site when I'm a freshman in college and he insists that we shlep into NYC for our first date.

"I'll pick you up, and then we can drive into the city to one of my favorite restaurants."

Each word feels like another drop on the blind, first date waterboard. Doesn't this boy follow the unwritten code?

Subsection A:
You meet at a place. Having to converse on the way there and back requires wasting precious topics that work even when you can't stand the person.

Subsection B:
First date establishments need not supply more than tea bags and coffee grinds.

I suggest a Starbucks, but he insists. I hate him already.

So he picks me up, steps out of the car, and I almost make a beeline back to my apartment.

He is wearing a tight Armani Exchange t-shirt with a big AX on the front.

A really tight one.

His hair is gelled. Into spikes.

And his jeans are tight.

I swallow the vomit that has just entered my mouth, get into the car, and he tells me that we're going pass through his neighborhood on our way into the city.

Twenty minutes later, we pull up to his house and stop. He turns to me and says, "That window over there is my room. My parents aren't home. Want to check it out?"

I literally give a "Hee-hee" followed by a "No thanks."

What's worse: the chutzpah to ask me that or the pride that his parents weren't home? I felt like a star in a health class video.

He turns the car back on, and we head into the Lincoln Tunnel. Against the backdrop of the fleeting silver tiles, he informs me that his ex dumped him because HE SLAPPED HER.

Refer back to Subsection A and tell me that you don't want to make it your campaign platform. So now I'm turned-off from the clothes, pissed at the hook-up invite, and scared of the slapping. And we're not even at the restaurant.

So we get there, and it's pitch black, save a tea light on each table. We sit down, and he orders wine. He proceeds to swirl, sniff, sip, and savor. I order a diet coke and gulp.

I then eye our waiter and make a polite break for it. The way I figure, the restaurant is completely dark, so Mr. Armani can't see my whereabouts.

I approach the waiter: "Excuse me? I am on a date from hell, and I need your help to get me out of here fast. Do whatever you have to. Please."

He winks and nods. We are officially in kahoots.

As soon as I sit back down, the waiter comes over and we order our food. Within five minutes, it's there, and he's already asking us for our dessert orders. Ten minutes later, I am ready to name my first child after the waiter as our dessert and coffee arrive.

My child's namesake returns with the bill and another wink for me.

In record time, we're out of there and back in the car.

He stops in front of my building and leans in for a kiss, a lean met with equal leaning on my part... towards the door.

"Goodnight!" I yell, waving from the sidewalk, running into my apartment.

A few days and ignored calls later, I get an e-mail. It was a cartoon of a dead, bloody bunny with a message that I had ruined his life by not calling him back.

Submitted by A.M.:

I met him when I worked over the summer at a tanning salon between college semesters. He was an occasional customer. He seemed polite and nice enough, up to standards in the personal hygiene and looks department, seemed to have a good work ethic, and was successful in his profession. These are all great qualities to have in a potential sweetie.

One day he asked me out on a date and I accepted. The date turned out to be a country band called "The Judds." I wasn't into country music, but what the heck, I'm open to new experiences. The concert was in a neighboring town, so he picked me up. He drove a 2-ton pickup truck. It was quite formidable for a girl my size. I had to leap up to get into it.

We went straight to the venue - no dinner. Strike one. Fortunately I wasn't very hungry, and they had some concessions at the concert. I bought my own food.

We joined his relatives (!) at the concert - I was not aware that we would have company, but I let it go. The concert had a grassy knoll, on which we situated our blankets. The whole family started swilling alcohol. They brought their own hard liquor to supplement the beer sold in the concessions, and pretty soon they were all rip roaring hammered. Strike two.

As soon as I saw how wasted they were ALL getting, I stopped drinking altogether. I had no escape plan, so I had to endure a whole family of drunken rednecks. I never touched their liquor, and the beer buzz wore off quickly.

Then, he kicked it up a notch. He started whining and crying about what a bitch his ex-wife was, and began picking arguments with his relatives. Strike three, but I was trapped with no escape plan.

He kept trying to stick his tongue in my mouth and put his hands all over me, right in front of the relatives. I got him to stop, and he started to cry and whine about his bitch ex-wife again, and how much the divorce was costing him, and how all women were greedy bitches and he was never going to get married again. *sigh*.

The best part was when he said that if we were going to be together as a couple, it was best that I got to see his good side AND his bad side as early as possible, so I could learn how to handle it. I couldn't agree more, except for the part about us being together, which I don't remember discussing.

After the concert, they said that they had rented a hotel room, and invited me to join them there because it was too late to drive home, and he was too drunk to drive home anyway... I said no, thanks, I'LL drive the truck.

So I drove us home. He sat on the passenger side, fuming that I wouldn't sleep with him in the hotel room. Right. On a first date. Him stinking, puking drunk. Crying like a baby. Whining about his ex-wife, calling all women greedy bitches. Oh baby, I think I'm in looove...

When we got to my apartment complex, I got out without saying anything - no goodbye, no hug, no nuthin'.

As he slid into the driver side, he looked at me with his best big eyed baby look, the one kids use when they want a cookie, and said, "So I guess this means I don't get a second date?"

I looked at him, turned around, and entered my building. It was about 3:30 AM.

He never returned to the tanning salon ever again; he had prepaid for about 20 tans, so I guess the salon got to keep the money. And he never called me, which is just as well, because it saved me the trouble of hanging up on him.

Submitted by Sharon:

In my late twenties, I worked part time at a real estate office, answering phones and paging realtors on evenings and weekends.  I met some great people there.

One of the realtors named Alex was a really fun guy, and we always had great chats. One day he told me that he knew this guy, Charles, who was single, made a great living, and was decent looking – would I like him to set us up? 

Now, I’d made it this far without going on the dreaded “set-up” and wasn’t sure if I wanted to try it.  But I figured "What the hell – I’m not getting any younger." and agreed.  I told Alex to give Charles my phone number.

Charles called me a few days later, and we chatted several times before meeting up. I noticed on more than one occasion per call that he repeated several questions.  They were simple questions such as "Where did you grow up?" and "What is your nationality?"  At one point he asked me a question for the second or third time, I answered it, and he told me that wasn’t my answer before.  Hmmm.

I met him at a local pub.  I ordered a drink, he ordered tomato juice.  He stated that he didn’t risk drinking, as he needed his license to be able to work.  Okay, fair enough.

After a few appetizers and an okay conversation, the date was over by about 9pm.  He asked if I needed a ride home, I told him no, my girlfriends had texted me and they were down the street -  I would go meet them.  Overall, the conversation was okay, the date was okay, and I hadn’t noticed the things that I’d noticed on the phone.

We made plans to hit a bucket of balls on Sunday.  I told him very specifically that I liked to sleep in on weekends, and asked him not to call before ten.

He called me later that night at 11, 11:30, midnight, and finally left a message at 12:30 to say that he’d had a great time.

He called Saturday morning at 8, 8:15, 8:30... well, you get the picture.  I finally answered at NOON with a very rude “WHAT?”

He’d called to tell me a funny story – something funny that had “just” happened.

Then he called me at 1pm... to tell me a funny story.  The same story.

And he called again at 3, to tell me the same funny story.

I told him not to call me again.  He asked why.  I explained that he was obviously drunk or something, and I’d heard this story three times already, he had problems, and I was not willing to deal with them.

He said, "So, we’re not going golfing tomorrow?” Um, NO.

Suffice it to say that he “stalked” me on my cell phone for months!  Calling, then blocking his number and calling back, and then not blocking and calling, ONE RIGHT AFTER THE NEXT.

A couple of months after the “date”, I did finally answer – just to tell him off.  He called me a bitch and told me that I probably treated all men like shit, then begged me to go out with him again when I told him that I was going to hang up.

Lesson learned.  Don’t let someone set you up.  Don’t ever give out your home address (I thanked God every day I hadn’t made that mistake).  If you have call display, do not delete their number, as you may not recognize their number and accidentally answer.

I still have Charles’s number in my phone.  His name is saved as “Stalker-Charles.”  Seriously.

Carrie and I met on an online dating site, traded several pleasant e-mails, a few late-night phone calls, and agreed to meet up for a hike.

She showed up eager, excited, and ready to go. We chose a three-mile roundtrip walk and were on our way.

"Ugh," she said after about ten steps, "I'm getting all sweaty."

"Stay hydrated," I said, "You have to keep drinking."

"Give me some water."

I handed her one of the four water bottles I was carrying in my backpack. She drank it all down and we continued on.

After about fifty more steps, she said, "I'm still sweating like a pig."

I stopped walking and turned to her. "Do you want to stop and turn around?"

She looked up in consideration. "How much further is there to go?"

"About three miles. Minus the hundred or so feet that we just walked."

"Ugh. Fine. Let's keep going."

We continued on in relative silence until a little while longer, when we hit a small lake. I put my backpack down and asked, "Want to stop here for lunch?"

In response, she stripped off her clothes and jumped into the lake. "Ahhh..." she said, "It's so nice in here."

I frowned, glancing at a nearby sign that read, "No swimming." I asked her, "Want company?" and began removing my shirt.

"Uh... no." she said, and swam out a bit.

Thusly, I sat down lakeside and ate lunch. She pulled herself out of the lake, shivering. I gave her a towel and she pulled her clothes back on. "I'm fucking freezing," she said.

For the rest of the hike, she alternated between, "I'm sweating like a pig," and, "I'm fucking freezing."

We finally made it back to the car and she said, "Ugh. I feel so gross."

I said, "At least you're not a non-stop whiner."

She didn't much care for that, but it's okay. I didn't much care for her.

Submitted by Michal:

This was in the early 80s. I don't even remember her name, or how we met. She was cute, blonde, and obviously normal enough for me to ask her out.

We went to a club and danced a few, then went downstairs to the lounge where it was quieter. Ordered a couple of drinks. There was a TV up in the corner, with the sound off. Something with Tyne Daly was on. Might have been Cagney & Lacey.

So this gal looks up at the TV and, without even the slightest hint of an ounce of self-consciousness, says, "You know she's married to a nigger."

I had no idea where to go with that. My jaw worked for a few seconds, then I motioned the bartender (who had heard the exchange) over. I put down a $5 bill and indicated to him that this was to cover my drink and his tip (remember, this was the 80s). And I got up and left without saying a word.

No idea how she got home. I like to think that she had to hoof it.

Submitted by Audrey:

I worked as a waitress at a bar one summer, and Aaron came in repeatedly to hang around during my shifts and asked me out. I agreed to go on an evening picnic to Lake Michigan. 
 
Aaron showed up half an hour late, and was dropped off... by his mom.  He said that his car had broken down, but when I asked what was wrong with it, he stumbled over every word, causing me to wonder if he actually had a car at all.  Feeling forgiving, I drove the hour to Lake Michigan, and we walked down to the beach to set up the picnic.
 
Aaron pulled a red blanket out of a grocery bag, laid it out on the sand, and sat down.  I looked to him for the rest of the picnic, or even a bottle of wine, anything.  He didn't say a word and motioned for me to sit down in front of him, looking at the setting sun. I leaned back against his knees for a while, then sat up and crossed my legs as I watched the sun sinking below the waves. 
 
Aaron had been quiet for a while when I looked back at him.  He was sitting behind me, buck naked, cross-legged, looking down at his erection, and smiling.  Then he looked up at me, attempting to be coy, and asked, "Wanna get under the blanket?"

I was too shocked for words and jolted upright onto my feet, but I couldn't draw my eyes away from his excited face... and body.  Finally, I managed to eke out an "Oh, hell no."  I walked quickly, almost ran, back toward my car, thanking God that his car was broken down or that he didn't have one.  Aaron scrambled to get his clothes together.  I got to the car first, fired it up, and left him at the beach.
 
Guys, note to selves:  Girls usually don't find spontaneous male exhibitionism sexy.  Scary, NOT sexy.

Submitted by Rachel:

One of my closest friends introduced me to her friend Henry one evening, and as we all hung out Henry and I really hit it off.  We exchanged numbers so even though we live 3 hours apart, we could keep in contact.  We talked just about every night, so I arranged to meet him for a date the next time I visited my best friend.

Our day started off wonderfully.  We went to a local coffee shop and to a museum, and we talked the whole time.  We got a quick bite to eat, and since it was a beautiful spring day out, we went to a park.  I'm a kid at heart, so my first thought was that we could play on the swings or just take a walk in the sun. 

Henry had other ideas.  He found an awkward spot to sit just out of view of the playground, and began aggressively kissing me.  I don't have a problem with a little making out, but we were out in the middle of an open park where a child could happen upon us at any time.  I had a long skirt on, and he said he could go down on me without anyone ever seeing.  I tried to laugh this off, and drop the hint that I wasn't very comfortable with what was going on, but it took a while to get through to him. 

I'm not sure if he became over-excited during this little session, but he sweetly kissed my wrist, and then very suddenly BIT me.  He chomped right down on my forearm, which didn't hurt but obviously startled me.  I tried to laugh this off also, but made it clear it was time to go.  In the car, he noticed the red mark on my arm, and commented that I bruise easily.  "No," I said, "You bite hard!"

I asked him to drop me off at my nearby friend's house, where I finally said goodbye.  As soon as my friend saw my arm, she asked what had happened.  Upon closer inspection, she said, "I can see his dental records!"  She actually called him and yelled at him for acting like a 3-year-old. 

As the mark settled in over the next couple of days, it looked as though I had been hit with a baseball.  He insisted that he hadn't intended to hurt me and was just being playful, but we haven't seen each other since.

Submitted by J:

So I met this guy, Ralph, at a club one summer night.  He was 13 years older than me.  I'd never dated an older guy so I decided to give it a try to see if they were any different than the guys my age.  The next weekend, we met up for dinner and a movie.

We were sitting in the theater when he started stroking his leg up and down mine.  Weird. I crossed my legs and leaned away from him so that he couldn't do that anymore.  At the end of the date, I thanked him for the evening and we went our separate ways.  That Monday, he started emailing me.

The emails started innocently enough.  "Hey J... I had a really good time with you and would like to do it again soon."  But they quickly turned into things of a pretty sexual nature... detailing how adept he was with his tongue and how he'd like to show me.  I brushed him off. 

He eventually wrote to say that he hoped I wasn't offended by what he was saying.  I responded with, "No.  It's not like anything is ever going to come of what you've said anyway."  He wrote back to ask me what I meant by that, and I told him that I'm not one to be offended by those things, but I am also not one who will continue to entertain the company of a man who thinks it's okay to say those kinds of things to a woman he's been on one date with.  He replied with the classic burn, "Your loss," and that was the end of it.  Or so I thought.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving... I received a call from none other than Ralph himself.  He said, "Hey J.  I'm calling to wish you happy holidays and to let you know that I'm ready to settle down and you're number one on my list." 

I replied, "Well I think it's best you move on to number two because I'm not interested."  Can you guess his reply?  If you said, "Your loss," you would be correct. 

I stuck with guys my own age after that.

Submitted by Steven:

My friend set me up with this guy telling me he was cute and nice.  I texted him for a few days and then agreed to meet for dinner.  I had his name but never did any research on him.  

When I got there he was losing most of his hair, had some bad teeth, reeked of cigarettes, terrible clothes.  I suffered through it because I wanted to be polite since he is a friend of a friend.

While we talked that evening, he told me that ten years ago he was arrested because he got in a fight with his brother and that was causing him trouble getting into school but should be cleared up soon.  At the end of the night he insisted on paying even though I wanted to at least split it since I had no intention of seeing him again.  

When I made it home, I checked the Maryland Case Law Library online (where you can search basic information on people's criminal and civil records).  His was a mile long with multiple convictions and a few years of jail time for assault, domestic violence, theft and other things.  They also weren't just ten years ago but over the last ten years.

When I called the friend who set us up she told me that she never said he was cute but that he was nice and she thought he really needed to go out on a date with someone.  Needless to say, I told her I don't want her to set me up anymore and I am happily single in my 2000 sq ft house that is all to myself... and has locks.

Submitted by Christy:

When I was in college, I met Frank through an acquaintance. He seemed nice enough. We went out to dinner, which went okay, but the moment things started to get a little weird is when he asked me why I hadn’t dressed sexier for our date. I was wearing a turtleneck and pants. I admitted that it may not have been the best choice for a first date, but it was the middle of December and 20 degrees outside. He proceeded to try to make me feel awful for not wearing something more revealing.

After dinner, he suggested we go to a particular bar down the street. I agreed and he drove us there. On the way, he started asking what kind of guy I liked and out of the blue asked, “So, have you ever dated a black guy?” I replied, “Well, I don’t see why that matters, but no, I haven’t.” His completely offensive and quite serious response was, “Oh good, because if you had said yes I would have thrown you out of the car... while it’s still moving!”

I wanted to ask him to turn the car around at that point, but decided to just try to have a decent night. We got to the bar and were there less than 10 minutes, when a group of five girls walked in. Every one of them was dressed like a stripper or a Playboy bunny. It turns out, Frank was ‘friends’ with these girls and had actually invited them on our date, unbeknownst to me!

Over the next half hour, he did everything in his power to ignore me so he could talk to these girls. And by that, I mean they talked, while he stared at their boobs. Then one of them pulled him on the dance floor and started grinding with him!

I finally got a hold of a friend and asked her to come pick me up. I didn’t say goodbye, I just walked out. While I was about to get in the car, Frank came running out of the bar and tried to stop me from leaving. He actually asked me to stay and apologized for ignoring me. Then he asked when he could see me again. I replied, “Um, let me think... NEVER.”

Submitted by Frank:

I asked out a girl who did work with my company. She was cute, nice, a bit quirky, but seemed fun and smart. We both liked to go swing dancing, so I picked her up on Sat. night and we went to a hip jazz club that featured swing nights.

At first she didn't want to dance, which I thought was kind of weird, since she had wanted to come swing dancing at a swing dancing club, after all. No biggie, we ordered and drank a few cocktails, chatted idly, and she goes to the bathroom several times in quick succession. Finally she decided she wanted to dance so we did a couple of numbers until she says, "I need to sit down," and goes quickly back to our table.

She looked really pale and kind of sick. I go join her and ask if something was the matter. "I had uterine surgery yesterday," she replies.

Wait, wot? I ask why she didn't just tell me to begin with and cancel the date (something that I would have totally been fine with, of course).

She replied that "I wanted to go dancing." Obviously, I took her right home. We didn't have a second date, and I didn't see much of her at work after that either. Weird.

Submitted by Ricky:

This girl, who was fairly cute, emailed me via a dating site and wanted to meet up for some drinks on Saturday.

So Saturday came around, I didn't hear from the girl, a friend called me and invited me over to his place to drink some beers and watch a stupid movie. Before the movie started, the girl called me, she seemed really excited to meet me, and said that she called in a favor to get off early.

I felt a bit obligated to go meet up with her, but I felt bad for my friend. So I told her that I couldn't because I was with my friend and he didn’t want to be a third wheel. She said that it was cool, she had a girlfriend with her too, and to meet them at a bar.

So we drove to the bar, hung out by my car for 15 minutes, and these two chicks came stumbling up to us.

One looked like the girl who sent me her pic, but she had very short brown hair, she was about 30 pounds heavier than the pic she sent over, but still had a huge rack. Her friend was a cute blonde with a weird accent and they were both already hammered.

I introduced myself to the girl and she pulled me in close and gave me a big hug and grabbed my butt. The other girl, the drunk blonde with an accent who was there for my friend, literally threw herself on him and pushed him back onto the hood of my car and straddled him; we just met these girls like for 2 seconds.

So the three of us sat down in the bar and talked, this girl proceeded to tell me way more than I needed to know. I asked about her tattoos, she had several, and one said “Property of SSSS” on the back of her neck. She said that she was emancipated when she was 16 and got married to a tattoo artist whose nickname was SSSS and he gave her all her tats and piercings, she had her nipples and other things pierced, use your imagination.

She then told us that SSSS beat her, robbed stores, stole cars, possibly killed people, and was currently in prison and that she ratted on him, but heard he may have gotten out on parole. She then said that is why she had to work two jobs to sustain herself and her habits. I asked her what habits, she said she will tell me later.

She saw some small dots on my hands and asked me if they were prison tats. I told I had never been to prison and I did them when I was a kid. This girl then told us she had been to prison and just got out, showed us her prison tats and said that she did some bad things and had some bad habits.

She got a call from some friends who invited us out for pool, so we left the bar. My friend was laughing the whole time, he said he would ask to go home but wanted to see where the evening would lead.

Once we were at the pool place, we met up with her friends. She introduced me as her boyfriend to them, kissed me on the forehead, and then sat in my lap. I was thinking the whole time, “this chick is nuts, I want to leave…” After a bit, the girl and her friends disappeared to the bathroom. My friend and I devised a plan, he was going to say he was sick and wanted to go.

So a seemingly long time later, all 9 of the peeps showed back up to the pool table again, and all of them were sniffing their noses like they were runny or something and then it clicked. This girl was a coke head.

I said that we had to go and started walking out. She and her blonde friend followed us out to my car. She begged us to stay and said that she wanted me to come home with her and her drunk blonde friend. I told her that I knew what her bad habits were and that I didn’t think that it was a good idea, she said "so I do a little nose candy…"

My friend and I finally got in my car and drove the out of there as fast as we could.

Submitted by DJB:

I met a guy online and, after talking on the phone a few times, we arrange to meet for a college football tailgating party. In his profile picture he looked very handsome and he was standing next to this beautiful motorcycle. He gets to my house to pick me up and he is driving an old Chrysler K car. He has apparently put on 50 pounds and lost most of his hair since his photo was taken.

Being the nice polite person I am, I decide to go through with the date, although I feel very deceived by his appearance. He says he is low on gas so we get in my car and drive to the appointed tailgate area. He drinks and eats voraciously, as if he hadn't seen food or beer in a week. He is wearing a stupid straw hat and I am already trying to distance myself from him.

As the game is beginning, he complains of feeling sick. We drive back to my house and he runs to the bathroom almost losing his hat on the way in. He comes out of the bathroom and tries to kiss me. I am totally turned off and I push him away. He tries again and I say wait.

I tell him while he was in the bathroom my friend called and I needed to go pick her immediately because she feels sick too. He says he "has to get going anyways." When he pulls away from my house in his Chrysler K car, I go into my bathroom only to discover just how sick he had been. I ended up cleaning up a mess that was worthy of a 250 pound toddler.

I learned three things from this date. 1) Always arrange to meet someone for coffee first before arranging a long date. 2) If dating on-line, ask someone how recent their picture is. 3) If your date is feeling sick, never bring them back to your house. This was surely a very crappy date but a lesson well learned.

Submitted by Mary:

I met David online over a dating site free weekend. We met after work at a restaurant – he brought flowers, held the door for me, bought a bottle of wine…everything was going great.

A couple of glasses of wine in, I realized I was doing most of the talking. I tried to ask him questions about himself, but he would give me short answers and turn the conversation back to me. I thought he was just being attentive and was really interested in getting to know me.

Then he asked, “How soon into a relationship would you consider marriage?” I didn’t know how to respond. And the questions got worse. “Are you messy?” “What are your thoughts on gender roles?”

And the cherry on top: “What are your feelings on spanking your children?”

Then next day I received an e-mail from him with a new set of similar questions. When he asked me out again, I told him it wasn’t going to work out. When he asked why, I told him it felt like an interview. “What, do you think I was interviewing you to be my WIFE?” he asked in disbelief.

You said it, buddy, not me.

Submitted by E.

In high school, I got up the guts to ask out a really pretty girl, and to my amazement, she agreed.

The date went smoothly and was thinking I might even get a second date. At the end of the date, I pulled up to the front of her house, and turned to her and told her I had a great time. She said she had a great time. I decided to go for it and get a good night kiss and a second date. I leaned in for the kiss, and she starts shouting "STOP! STOP!" I couldn't believe I was getting this severe a good night kiss rejection. But when I pulled back, I realized that I hadn't put the car in park, and had taken my foot off the brake when I leaned in. I was driving up her front lawn. When I stopped she dove out of the car and ran.

I did not get a second date.

Submitted by Tony:

I work with homeless people in soup kitchens directly, for a large foundation that puts together programs, and for another foundation that helps fund shelters in Los Angeles.

When I met Sarah (not through any of my homeless work), she was absolutely stunning and classically beautiful. She and I seemed to get along well when we were around our mutual group of friends, and we both agree to go out for drinks after work (since we both work in the same area of town). After dinner and a few drinks, the casual flirting has turned into hand touching and arm stroking and I have to admit that it was really nice.

But in the midst of our conversation about living in different places, family, our funny mutual friends and some deeper issues about existence, she asked me with a smile, “what do you do anyway?”

I said, “I love my job, I try to help the homeless transition to the working world… or else get the help they need.”

“What help? They made themselves homeless.”

I’m come in contact with people before who don’t understand that there are lots of reasons people are homeless, including psychological issues they have no control over, so I came into this casually with something like “Well, it’s not about that exactly… it’s about helping people who are down on their luck to find real jobs and places to live.”

“Do you touch them?”

“Yes. That’s part of my job, Sarah. I don’t mind it.”

The rest of the date became increasingly more hostile. The more I tried to convince her that I was trying to help homeless people, the more intensely she seemed to believe that I was making the problem worse. Over the course of the conversation she ended up directly insulting both my job and my belief system. All of my good points were met either with the answer, "Whatever" or "That doesn't make any sense."

The worst part was that she'd constantly interrupted me any time I'd try to make a point, but would get incredibly offended if I dared to interrupt her callous ranting about how I "clearly didn't understand how the real world works."

Honestly, it was amazing how quickly the date became a massive argument. In retrospect, she can believe whatever she wants… but getting that in-my-face about it that soon is not a good sign.

Submitted by John:

In college I asked out a girl who was a customer at the video store I worked at because she seemed cool enough and we had similar taste in movies. We met at a cavernous, empty sports bar on its last legs, which made for an ominous beginning of the night.

From the start I could tell she just wasn't into being there and I quickly realized she was a lot less interesting than I had initially gathered. After a few, quick drinks, she explained she had to "go study for a test" she had the next day. We exchanged goodbyes and since it was still early, I decided to cross town to a party my friend's fraternity was having.

As I was pouring a beer from the keg, I looked up and spotted her hanging with some friends across the room. Our eyes met for a very awkward few seconds, and after some initial feelings of anger at being totally lied to, I just laughed it off and we both stayed at the party -- not exchanging one word the whole night.

Submitted by Julian:

Some time ago I stumbled upon two tickets to see the Chicago Symphony Orchestra as conducted by Daniel Barenboim play an evening of Mozart. Alas as the tickets presented themselves a mere 36 hours prior to the dimming of the auditorium lights I was scrambling to find company. High and low I searched, yet despite making plenty of calls, I found nobody to join me. So I turned to CraigsList.

A woman contacted me, and after a brief conversation we agreed to meet at a nearby bar for a drink, some chit chat and face time so to speak prior to heading into a darkened theatre. After my drink-singular, and her drinks-plural we headed to the auditorium.

At intermission, rested and delighted with the music thus far, I leaf through the program to find that the next piece is epic, legendary and almost never played - in short, a real treat. My company leaves for the bathroom. Not five minutes later I hear a vague commotion from downstairs. I wait anxiously.

"Ahem, excuse me sir."

"Yes" I say as I turn to see my date, standing in the aisle flanked by three stern ushers.

"I'm sorry but if your date cannot control herself I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"I, um, uh..." I mutter as if waiting for the lights to dim to my rescue.

"Sir..." says the usher as he looks at my company and then to me waiting for my response.

"Well," I say as I look to the glassy-eyed, soggy woman to whom I gave the ticket, "I... guess you should... go then."

"Fine, give me my coat." Snaps the doomed woman who took my spare CSO ticket.

I reach over and ever so delicately hand the woman her coat and purse taking the utmost care to ensure that no knives, shrunken heads, or narcotics fall out. And now I take a breath and feel my shoulders relax as I have successfully resolved an otherwise awkward situation.

She screams, "FINE, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!"

I have a new respect for women as at that very moment as my company screamed at the top of her lungs, I experienced menopause. A hot flash so intense washed over me that the rising heat from my collar was causing my hair to curl.

The entire theatre turned in their seats to see what the hell just happened. Time froze and everything went in slow motion. My life was about to come to a screeching halt.

Lights down. Thank you God, thank you, thank you.

Submitted by Hylas:

I met him on a dating website. Maybe that was my first mistake. He'd messaged me, and I couldn't help but love his Star Wars tattoos. I have a thing for inked up geeky guys. He seemed like a prime contender.

We met informally for milkshakes, and I had a fine time, though I couldn't help but notice he kept calling me "sir." I thought maybe he was just being playful, or it was some kind of habit. Then we had our first official date...

He came to my place wearing only a cut-off t-shirt and skin-tight jeans. We had decided to go for sushi at a place near my house, so I insisted he borrow a shirt with sleeves. He didn't quite understand why it mattered, but we went on to dinner and had a fine time.

Over the course of dinner he mentioned that he had a degree in sociology, and took special interest in the power structures of different societies, and how every relationship had to have a dominant figure and a submissive. I found that an odd thing to say, but didn't really challenge him.

After dinner we came back to my place and he came in to change shirts. I stepped into the bathroom while he changed. When I came back out, I found he had stripped completely naked and stood in the middle of my bedroom. He told me he was a "submissive bottom" hoping I would train him, and wanted me to inspect his body and make sure it was to my liking. The first thing I noticed was his monster foreskin.

If I didn't know a guy had to grow his own, I would swear he bought it at Lane Bryant. It looked like a penis muumuu! I tried to hide my revulsion as I told him I was tired and needed to go to bed. He then lay down on my bed, face down. I told him I meant that I needed to go to bed - alone.

The next time we talked I told him that I didn't think we were well matched, but that I had a wonderful time at dinner. He expressed his disappointment: "Why wouldn't you train me, sir?"

"Because," I said, "I just don't think I have the time for dating right now, Baggy."

I'd let it slip: the nickname for him I couldn't get out of my head. The truth was, ever since seeing him that night in his naked glory, that voluminous foreskin was all I could think about.

"Did you call me Baggy?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's my nickname for you," I confessed.

"Why's that?"

"Because," I said, thinking fast, "you always wear tight jeans. It's ironic!"

To my surprise, he loved that...